


Myosotis sylvatica

by maanorchidee



Series: Myosotis series | Klaine Advent 2019 [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Amnesia, Klaine Advent Drabble Challenge 2019, M/M, reconnection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 73,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21630766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/maanorchidee
Summary: Kurt remembers meeting Blaine very vividly. After all, they only just met. Blaine also remembers meeting Kurt very vividly, but to him, it's been years since they met. Now, the two of them have to find ways to (re)connect and see where their relationship goes.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Series: Myosotis series | Klaine Advent 2019 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800703
Comments: 112
Kudos: 112
Collections: Klaine Advent 2019





	1. Achievement

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this epic clusterfuck. I am quite happy to share it with you all.
> 
> It’s that special time of the year! I was very, very, very excited to hear that the Advent is coming back for 2019. A big shout-out to the people behind klaineadvent on Tumblr for organising it!
> 
> Ah, 2019. 2019 has not been too kind to me, so this advent truly feels like the light at the end of the tunnel. As a result of 2019 being shit, I have not written much this year. In fact, this is the first time writing Klaine since last year’s advent, holy sweet hell. Well, I am glad to be back. I missed writing Klaine.
> 
> I am just going to, well, write. I have a story in my head, but I have nothing planned or outlined or written (apart from this), so this year is going to be hectic and unorganised, but I am very happy nevertheless. I’ll update when I have something new.
> 
> This is an amnesia fanfic. The title is the biological name of the woodland forget-me-not flower. There are a lot of amnesia fanfics out there, but it made me think: what if there’s a big possibility that the memories never come back? What if they never come back?
> 
> That’s what the story is about. Thank you for listening to my word vomit. I hope you enjoy the story.

**ACHIEVEMENT**

Kurt’s head is pounding. He slowly opens his eyes and he blinks at the sudden light. He’s lying on a cold floor.

There’s someone hovering over him. This person puts their hand on Kurt’s forehead. Kurt’s vision is too hazy to make out any facial features. He blinks a couple of times in the hope of clearing his vision.

“Are you okay?” they say, sounding worried.

This person keeps touching his forehead, but they also grab his shoulder. Kurt’s vision slowly comes back and-

Wow, okay. It’s a man and this man is hot. Deep dark eyes and a mop of curls on his head. He’s really, really hot. To Kurt’s utter embarrassment, he says so out loud. He obviously can’t think rationally and he’s ready to apologize when this person laughs.

“Luckily, you think so,” the man says and he helps Kurt up. When he’s up, Kurt looks around. He has no idea where he is. He turns around and almost falls over when a sudden flood of nausea hits him.

Kurt grabs a chair to steady himself and the man also stops him from falling.

“Wow, are you alright?”

Kurt shakes his head. He feels terrible. He closes his eyes since the lightning is too harsh right now. At least the man’s hands are warm. It’s soothing.

“What happened? I came into the kitchen and found you lying on the floor,” the man sounds still worried, “Do I need to call the hospital?”

This stranger is far too kind. Kurt tries to remember what happened. Now that he lives in New York with Santana Lopez, he’s gotten more outgoing. Together with Rachel and Santana, he goes out drinking and partying. It must’ve been quite a party yesterday, since this headache is terrible and Kurt has problems remembering what has happened.

“I just need some breakfast,” Kurt says.

He still has his eyes closed, but this man helps him sit down on a soft surface. Kurt opens his eyes and yup, the lightning is terrible, but he manages to look around. This isn’t the loft. He has no idea where he is. He looks down and he realises that he’s wearing pyjama’s. These aren’t his pyjama’s.

The man has gone back to the kitchen. He’s truly making breakfast for Kurt. This stranger is incredibly nice and handsome. Sure, Kurt’s gotten more lively, but he has never woken up in a strange man’s home before, so this is quite an achievement.

_Oh no, did I sleep with him?_ Kurt thinks in shock.

Maybe he should call his roommates.

Just then, the man comes back with a bowl and a cup of coffee. “Here, eat up. Hopefully you’ll feel better. I know these migraines are terrible.”

Migraine? No, Kurt has a hangover.

But Kurt accepts the breakfast and he keeps quiet. Maybe it’s best if this man believes he has a migraine, since waking up with a huge hangover on the kitchen floor is embarrassing. The man goes back to the kitchen to get breakfast as well.

When he comes back, the two of them eat in comfortable silence. Kurt is strangely at ease here, but he knows that he has to go back home.

“Thanks for breakfast, but I should get going,” Kurt says and he puts the bowl on the coffee table, “Where are my clothes?”

The man scrunches his face. “Get going?”

Kurt thinks it’s sweet that this man is so worried about him, so he waves his concern away. “I’m fine, thank you. My headache is disappearing, so I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Out of my- Kurt, where are you going?”

Okay, so they are supposedly on first name basis. Yet, Kurt still can’t remember who this man is and what happened last night.

“Home. I live in Bushwick with two friends of mine, so I’ll just take the train. Where are my clothes?”

The man shakes his head and laughs a little bit. “Not funny, Kurt. If you’re well enough to make jokes, then you can call Adam for administration.”

The man gets up to bring the empty breakfast bowls to the kitchen, leaving Kurt dumbfounded. Is this man keeping him here? What the hell?

“Look, uhm, I don’t know what your deal is, but you realise that you can’t keep me here, right?” Kurt says indignantly.

The man turns around, bowls still in hand, and he looks confused. “You can quit it, you know? This isn’t funny anymore. You’ve tried to get out of administration several times, but this is getting weird.”

Whatever this man is thinking, he can’t keep Kurt here. Kurt can’t remember what clothes he was wearing, but clothes be damned. He turns around, ready to just walk out in his (his?) pyjama’s.

“Where are you going?” the man calls out.

“Home!” Kurt yells back. This man might be incredibly attractive, but Kurt has no intention of being held captive.

The man runs after him and grabs him by the shoulder. “Kurt, what the hell?”

Kurt pushes him off. “What? I really gotta go. I have this huge project for my boss and Isabelle is not going to like it if I miss this deadline. Besides, my two roommates might get worried.”

There’s a small beat of silence and then the man turns around. Kurt’s about to celebrate the small victory when the man says: “That’s it, I’m calling your dad.”

Kurt turns around as well.

“You know my dad?”

“Or Rachel,” the man says, not hearing Kurt, “We did promise to take it easy and I am not going to alarm Burt for no reason. Well, except for the fact that his son is a menace.”

Kurt watches as the man takes out a phone and he starts tapping the screen. The phone is clearly an iPhone, but it seems different somehow? Longer, slimmer and thinner.

The man puts the phone on the coffee table and when Kurt sees the screen, he sees that the phone’s on speakerphone. The call menu has a different style as well.

Rachel picks up.

“Blaine, what a surprise! You never call this early.”

Rachel is on the phone? Kurt’s Rachel? And Rachel even knows this man?

Blaine?

“Your friend is being a pain in the ass, Rae,” Blaine mutters.

“I bet,” Rachel says and Blaine lets out a laugh before his face turns serious again.

“Why don’t you explain it yourself, Kurt?” he says and he motions for Kurt to get closer.

Even though his instinct tells Kurt to run, since this is getting crazy, his curiosity is piqued. He picks up the phone. It even feels more smooth than Kurt expected.

“Kurt, is that you?” Rachel asks.

“Rachel?”

“Yes?”

Kurt looks up and he sees the man, Blaine, staring at him. So, Kurt starts talking. “Rachel, I am freaking out. I don’t know where I am and who this guy is. I just woke up feeling sick and now I really want to come home to you and Santana.”

Silence.

But then, Rachel says: “That’s not funny, Kurt. We both know that the three of us haven’t lived together in ages.”

“I’m not trying to be funny, Rachel. In my eyes, we do live together. We don’t?”

“We all moved out when our relationships got more serious.”

Relationships? Rachel just broke up with Brody. Or maybe she’s talking about someone else.

“Is, uh, Finn there, then?” Kurt asks. His brother might talk some sense into the others. Or into him. Kurt doesn’t know anymore.

There’s another silence, but this silence doesn’t seem to end. Rachel is eerily quiet and when Kurt looks up, he sees Blaine staring at him as if he’s from another planet. There’s a hint of sadness in his eyes.

The silence keeps lingering, but then Blaine yanks the phone out of Kurt’s hands and he and Rachel start talking frantically. Blaine must’ve turned off the speakerphone, since Kurt can barely understand Rachel, but she sounds hysterical.

Kurt watches Blaine pace around the apartment and Kurt decided to take a seat. He’s probably not going home.


	2. Beer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jingle Bells theme* _Oh Advent time, Advent time, writing all the way!_
> 
> Hello guys! I am quite surprised with the response that this fic has gotten, especially since I have made clear that this is gonna be a hectic advent. (Probably no update tomorrow, so…) (I pulled the title and summary out of my ass last minute.) (That’s why they suck.) 
> 
> I am also very excited to read all the Advent stories. I’m very glad that even in 2019, almost 5 years after the end of glee, people are still writing and reading Klaine fanfiction. Hooray!

**BEER**

Hospitals are terrible, especially when people don’t communicate.

Blaine handed Kurt some clothes and he ushered him out of the door. Then, Blaine hailed a cab to the hospital with his phone. The doctors don’t seem to know what is happening.

The nurses ask him simple questions, like his name, his age and his address. They also ask him questions about the current president of the United States, Lady Gaga’s latest hits and something called a tik tok.

The questions are fairly simple, but Kurt’s answers only worry them. Although, Kurt is very worried to hear that Sue Sylvester is the current president. He does not want to know how that happened.

After a few hours, the doctor tells him what is going on. Blaine is standing in the room, watching him. He’s been silent the entire time and he doesn’t want to meet Kurt’s eyes.

“Amnesia?” Kurt asks in shock.

“Amnesia,” the doctor confirms.

“So, it isn’t 2012?” Kurt asks, but he already knows the answer. He hates to admit it, but it makes sense. Everything around him is different. It explains the flatter phones, the different fashion sense, the unfamiliar ‘hit’ songs on the taxi radio, and the fact that he no longer lives with Rachel and Santana.

Wow, he wasn’t blackout drunk from a couple of beers. He has a huge case of amnesia.

It sounds unreal, though. Amnesia sounds like something from a Hallmark Christmas movie. Kurt’s always known that amnesia was real, but amnesia wasn’t supposed to happen to people like Kurt.

“No, it isn’t 2012,” the doctor says sadly.

Kurt looks towards Blaine, who’s still looking away. “Then, what year is it?”

The doctor seems to hesitate for a second, but then she says: “2027.”

* * *

2027 doesn’t sound like a real number. Kurt’s from 2012. He’s still processing the beginning of the 2010s, and now he is nearing towards the 2030s.

Yikes, the 2030s. The 2020s already seem so far away. Kurt has allegedly lost 15 years of his life.

Oh God, Kurt is in his thirties.

The nurse hands Blaine some papers and he signs it. Despite everything, they’re letting Kurt leave. They’ve been here all day and there’s nothing they can do. Kurt wants to remind everyone that he’s an adult, so that he is fairly capable of signing the papers himself and going home on his own, but he doesn’t even know where home is.

So Kurt just sits in a plastic hospital chair and he listens to Blaine and the nurse.

“It’s best to bring him to a familiar environment,” the nurse tells Blaine.

“He thinks it’s 2012, for Christ’s sake,” Blaine mutters as he hands the papers back to the nurse, “Nothing is familiar for him. He probably never experienced the rise and fall of Vine. I’m cutting off the Wi-Fi.”

Blaine is probably right, since Kurt has no idea how plants could rise and fall. Kurt just keeps his mouth shut and he watches how Blaine and the nurse cover all the formalities. After a short moment, Blaine turns to face Kurt.

It’s the first time he’s looked at Kurt since they left the apartment. His eyes are sad, but when Kurt smiles at him, Blaine smiles back. Kurt is incredibly confused, but he happily follows Blaine home.

* * *

Blaine takes out his incredibly flat phone and he taps an app. At least Kurt knows about smartphones and apps. Social media and new technology soared in the past few years and it seems like they will keep soaring. Probably everyone has a smartphone in 2027.

Wow, 2027.

A few minutes later, a taxi appears in front of the hospital and the two of them get in. Blaine gives the driver the address. They start driving, and yet another unfamiliar song starts playing.

Blaine is sitting next to Kurt, and he’s humming along. Even the taxi driver seems to bop along with the music. Kurt is just sitting there, silently, since he can’t know this song. It’s just a simple song, but Kurt is so tired of not knowing what is going on.

After a while, he looks around. New York is as lively as always. The familiar billboards advertise unfamiliar products and brands, but New York pretty much looks the same as he knows it. At least, New York still feels like home.

He looks back at Blaine, who’s still humming softly and absently.

After a while, Blaine notices Kurt’s staring and he raises an eyebrow.

“Tell me about yourself,” Kurt says.

Blaine looks a little bit startled, but then he smiles and holds out his hand. “My name is Blaine.”

“Kurt,” Kurt says and he shakes Blaine’s hand, “So, what is going on here?”

“Well, you lost your memories, but you know that by now. But uhm, yes, my name is Blaine. I like music. I am originally from Columbus, just like my dad. My mom is from the Philippines. I came to New York around ten years ago. We’re, uhm, friends.”

“Just friends?” Kurt asks incredulously. Kurt has seen the way Blaine looks at him. Kurt knows why he woke up in the same apartment as Blaine. Blaine signed his papers. Blaine apparently knows his dad and his friends.

Blaine laughs when Kurt waggles his eyebrows. “Okay, boyfriends.”

“How long?” Kurt asks.

“Eight years,” Blaine answers, “We’ve known each other for ten. We met on my first day in New York, and I pretty much fell in love with you, but you were dating someone else.”

Eight years? Wow. Kurt really has spent eight of the past fifteen years with Blaine. He’s kind of in shock, but also in awe. In his eyes, he’s never had a boyfriend before, and now the first hot guy that he sees tells him that they’ve been together for eight years.

Kurt half expects to see a ring on his finger, but it isn’t there.

“Does that bother you?” Blaine asks when Kurt remains silent.

Kurt shakes his head. It’s kind of scary, that’s true, but how can it bother Kurt? “I told you, you’re hot.”

Blaine laughs again.

Kurt slowly reaches out for Blaine’s hand, but Blaine pulls away.

“You don’t have to,” Blaine tells Kurt.

“I know,” Kurt says, “But I want to.”

Blaine looks a little bit sceptical, but Kurt means it. Blaine carefully takes Kurt’s hand and it’s as if these hands are meant to hold each other.

“Fearlessly and forever,” Blaine says silently.

Kurt doesn’t know what Blaine is referring to, but it sounds very nice. The remainder of the trip, they hold each other’s hand.

* * *

The apartment seems bigger, now that Kurt knows it belongs to him. It’s also quite big for a New York apartment. And this place has actual walls, so it is a definite upgrade from the loft that he’s currently sharing with Rachel and Santana.

Well… _currently_.

The furnishing is tasteful, but there are some weird colour schemes and choices. Kurt assumes that it’s Blaine’s doing. After all, they apparently have been together for eight years.

“Is this really where we live?”

Blaine chuckles as he walks past Kurt. “Yes, love.”

Kurt freezes at the word ‘love’, but Blaine doesn’t seem to notice, so Kurt lets it slide. This guy, Blaine, _loves_ him. It makes Kurt feel weird. Not bad weird, but not good weird either. He wasn’t lying to Blaine when he told him that Blaine’s love doesn’t bother him and that he’s willing to try, but it’s a lot to take in.

“How long have we been living here?”

“Five years,” Blaine yells from the kitchen, “We were thinking about moving next year around springtime, but we still enjoy living here.”

Blaine returns from the kitchen and he’s holding some… photos? Blaine’s holding them upside down, so Kurt can’t see it properly. He’s glad to hear that people still use photos fifteen years into the future.

“What are you doing?” Kurt asks him.

“I don’t want to overwhelm you,” Blaine says, “I hope you don’t mind that I am going to take some things down. Hopefully, you’ll regain your memories soon, so in the meantime, I don’t want you to feel too overwhelmed. Do you want me to stop?”

Kurt shakes his head. He understand what Blaine’s talking about. Just being in this apartment is already overwhelming. Kurt has already seen tech that he doesn’t recognise.

Blaine goes upstairs and Kurt decides to look for a mirror. Blaine can keep a lot of things hidden for him, but not Kurt’s face. Since it’s getting dark outside, Kurt tries to catch his reflection in the large windows, but the lights inside make it difficult for him.

He goes back to the hallway and as expected, one door leads to a small bathroom. Kurt turns on the lights and he properly sees himself.

He’s thirty-four.

Kurt should be freaked out by the laughter lines that he doesn’t recognise, or the weird parting of his hair, but he focuses on the layer of stubble. He reaches out to his face to touch it.

It looks hideous. Kurt’s always cleanly shaved and he can’t imagine that in the future, he’d change that. It feels weird.

He hears a laugh and he catches Blaine’s reflection in the mirror.

“You hate it,” Blaine says, “Glad to see that you still hate it.”

“Why?” is all Kurt can say while he’s rubbing his stubble.

“If it makes you feel any better, you look great with it.”

“Why?” Kurt says again.

“Let’s just say that it’s a job requirement.”

“I have a job?” Kurt blurts out. In the reflection, Blaine nods.

“You’re thirty-four,” Blaine deadpans, “No worries, Rachel is taking care of it, so you don’t have to worry about going to your adult job without any preparations.”

“Do you have a job?” Kurt asks him. Jobs, apartments, long lasting relationships… All these adult things shouldn’t be on Kurt’s mind, but they’re here.

“I am my own boss,” Blaine says, but he doesn’t explain more, “Do you… I mean, do you want to watch a movie?”

“Is this your pick up line, or what?”

Blaine grimaces. “Look, I don’t really know what to say to my amnestic boyfriend who doesn’t even know me. We can also delve deep into our personal lives, or we can watch some Netflix.”

“Netflix?” Kurt asks. He’s heard that name somewhere, but right now, he can’t place it.

Blaine furrows his brow. “You know Netflix, right? I think Netflix became a thing around 2011, but I’m not sure. That was _ages_ ago.”

 _Not for me_ , Kurt wants to say, but instead he says: “It sounds familiar, but I don’t know what it is.”

He follows Blaine back to the living room. There’s a huge television and it has apps. Wow, even televisions have apps in the future. It is probably connected to the internet as well. Kurt knows that smart devices are upcoming, so it’s nice to see that some things last.

Blaine starts Netflix and Kurt suddenly realises it’s that new platform for watching television shows on demand. “Oh, this!”

“Netflix is victorious. It beat the others in the streaming war,” Blaine says. He sits down and he waits for Kurt to join him on the couch.

“Would it be ironic to watch a movie about amnesia?” Kurt asks and to his delight, Blaine barks a laugh.

“Too soon, Kurt.”

* * *

“I’m going to sleep in our office,” Blaine says. Kurt appreciates that.

Blaine gives Kurt a small tour of the remainder of the apartment, but he skips the office. Apparently, Blaine has stored all the photographs and other overwhelming things in the office, so that place is off-limits for the time being.

They end up in the bedroom. Their bedroom.

“Left side is yours, but honestly, we don’t care,” Blaine says when he opens the door.

Kurt almost laughs when he sees the bedroom. It’s so apparent that Kurt and Blaine have different styles. The living room already felt like a mix between two personalities, but the bedroom really shows the contrast.

Kurt steps inside the room and he looks around some more.

He likes it. It truly shows two people co-existing in one space. After all, Kurt apparently shares this home with this man. It’s only fair that he can also express himself. Kurt would never use such a colourful palette.

He turns around and he feels his stomach drop. His mother’s dresser is located against the wall. Relief washes over Kurt. In the midst of all this confusion and unfamiliarity, his mother’s dresser is something he knows. Seeing it makes Kurt instantly feel more at ease.

“You know where to find the bathroom and which toothbrush is yours,” Blaine says. He’s leaning against the doorframe. “Do you, uhm, like it?”

There’s a hint of hope in his voice. Blaine’s wondering if the bedroom is triggering any memories. Kurt has to disappoint him. “I do. Are those bowtie patterns yours?”

“Yes,” Blaine sounds a little bit disappointed, but Kurt pretends that he doesn’t hear it. The two of them stare at each other awkwardly, until Blaine coughs. “Well. Goodnight, Kurt.”

“Goodnight, Blaine.”

Blaine leaves without saying another word. Kurt waits till he’s gone before rushing towards his mother’s dresser. He knows that Blaine loves him, so he probably won’t judge him, but Kurt doesn’t like feeling vulnerable in front of others.

Kurt opens some of the drawers and he tries not to cry when the familiar scent hits him. It’s faint, but it’s still there.

“Mom,” he cries out and he starts to sob quietly. At least his mother is still with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, it’s a 15 year gap! Bet you did not see that coming. I actually struggled a lot with finding the right time period for this story, since a) I wanted “past” Kurt to be at least 18, b) I wanted the gap to be at least 10 years, and c) I wanted to take technological development into account.
> 
> Criterion c basically flew out of the window, since I realised it is impossible to make accurate predictions, due to the rapid changes, so is it very logical that Netflix still exists in 2027? Honestly, no. Do I care? Honestly, no.


	3. Creed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to talk to Burt!

**CREED**

Blaine has taken Kurt’s phone, but Kurt can use Blaine’s to call his dad. As expected, landlines have almost completely disappeared from the Earth. Blaine’s told Kurt that Burt and Carole moved to a smaller condo in the suburbs in 2020, so they cut off their old landline and switched completely to mobile.

Blaine has Burt Hummel listed as ‘dad 2’ in his phone. It makes Kurt heart ache, since it reminds him of the fact that he’s missing fifteen years of his life.

His dad picks up fairly quickly.

“Hey Blaine, good morning, you usually never call this early.”

His dad sounds so casual. He truly knows Blaine well. Blaine must not be an early bird, since Rachel said the same thing yesterday.

“D-dad?” Kurt asks and he hates that his voice breaks on that one damned word. He’s not going to cry. He’s definitely not going to cry in front of Blaine or his dad.

“Kurt, hey, didn’t expect to hear you,” Burt says happily, “Kid, don’t tell me your own phone needs a new battery. Kurt, I keep telling you to throw that thing away-”

“Dad!”

“Hm? Yes?”

Kurt looks at Blaine, who’s sitting next to him. They’d practised this beforehand. Kurt is supposed to casually mention that he has a huge memory loss. They know it’s weird to drop a bomb on Burt like that, but it’s best to just rip off the band-aid.

But now, Kurt’s mind is blanking.

“Kurt, you there?”

Blaine looks at Kurt intensely. When Kurt nods, Blaine gets up and he takes the phone from Kurt.

“Hey Burt, it is me,” Blaine says warmly.

“Blaine, is something wrong? Where is Kurt?” Burt asks. Blaine must’ve put his phone on speakerphone, since Kurt can hear him.

“Kurt is here, he’s fine,” Blaine says and he puts his hand on Kurt’s tight. When he realises what he’s done, he wants to move away, but Kurt stops him. Kurt wants him here. “Well, uhm, not completely fine, but not in danger.”

“Blaine.”

“Yeah, okay. Kurt has amnesia. Yesterday, I found him lying on the kitchen floor, so I took him to the hospital. He thinks he’s nineteen years old and that it’s 2012. Apart from that, he is completely fine.”

And to Kurt and Blaine’s utter shock, Burt starts to laugh.

It’s a long, barking laugh. Burt sounds hysterical and both Kurt and Blaine kind of look at each other in shock. They did not see this kind of reaction coming. Does Burt think they’re messing with him?

After a while, Burt calms down, but he’s still wheezing a little bit when he says: “Oh, God, sorry. Kurt, son, remember when you were a kid? You and your mom watched this shitty romcom about amnesia.”

Kurt shakes his head. “No?”

“Ah, well, you were very young, but I will never remember the moment you turned towards your mother and said: ‘mama, if I ever lose my memories, please make sure that I still wear nice clothes’. Like, you were such a tiny kid and all you cared about was fashionable clothes.”

Blaine snorts at that as well. “Yes, that sounds like Kurt.”

Kurt truly cannot remember this, but he finds himself grin as well.

“Sorry, oh wow, this is not funny, but I just- you were such a peculiar and cute child, Kurt,” Burt says, still laughing a little bit, “I remember you turned back to the screen and your mother and I shared an amused look. God, we love you.”

Kurt finally chuckles as well. This entire situation is absurd, but of course, his dad finds a way to lighten the mood. Maybe this will go smoother than expected.

Burt coughs. “Okay, amnesia.”

Kurt and Blaine take turns explaining what has happened. Kurt tells his father how he woke up on the floor and how Blaine found him. Blaine recalls the entire time at the hospital. Throughout the story, Burt asks small questions.

“So, no one really know what is going on?” Burt asks when Kurt and Blaine are finished.

“Unfortunately,” Kurt grumbles.

“All we can do is wait,” Blaine answers.

“Oh,” Burt sounds a bit disappointed, “Can I talk to Blaine? Privately?”

Kurt looks at Blaine in surprise, but then he nods and he watches Blaine leave the room with the phone. Kurt’s left in the living room. He is a bit lost for words. His dad has things he doesn’t want Kurt to know, but he’s fine with telling Blaine? Kurt doesn’t even know this guy.

Then again, his dad probably does.

It’s weird. It’s another reminded that Kurt is missing fifteen years of his life. He probably should know Blaine’s family, although they agreed to keep it secret for now. Besides, hopefully, Kurt will regain his memories soon. Kurt just really wanted to tell his dad.

After a few while, Kurt decides to do the one thing he’s not supposed to do. He’s going to find Blaine. He blames the mix of curiosity and boredom for that.

Kurt’s not surprised to hear Blaine’s voice coming from the office. Despite his judgement, Kurt leans closer.

“Christ, Burt, I don’t know!” he hears Blaine. He sounds very fed up. “There isn’t really a standard protocol for this. I can’t just tell Mimi to order a guide called ‘How to Deal With Your Partner Losing 15 Years of Their Life’. It’s amnesia, Burt. I always thought it was some sort of fictional creed, made up for movies and tv shows.”

A moment of silence. Kurt assumes that his dad is speaking. Blaine’s probably turned off speakerphone.

“I just have no idea how to deal with this,” Blaine says. The annoyance is gone, but now he just sounds defeated. “I don’t want Kurt to be overwhelmed, and this news is a lot. I was kind of planning on waiting for Kurt to regain his memories?”

Another moment of silence. Kurt really wishes he could hear his dad. He has no idea what they’re talking about, but it sounds serious.

“Do we really want to do this if it’s avoidable? Don’t we want Kurt to feel happy and careless for now?”

Silence. Then a very long sigh from Blaine.

“I know that we promised each other to not keep secrets!” Blaine says loudly, “But how can we keep that promise if Kurt doesn’t even fucking remember making it?”

More silence, except for some footsteps. Blaine is pacing around the room.

“The most harrowing new fact should be Sue Sylvester’s planned run for her second term of presidency, Burt, not this!”

Another sigh.

“No, I get that. Of course. I just… this is going to be very ugly. I’ll go see him.”

Kurt quickly leans away. He can hear Blaine walking, so he just yells: “Blaine? Are you in here?”

There’s no chance that Kurt can go back to the living room in time. Best to let Blaine believe that Kurt just got there. He’s just in time, since the door to the office opens and Blaine’s smiling at him.

“You got bored?” Blaine asks. All traces of annoyance and sadness are gone.

“How did you know?” Kurt says teasingly.

Blaine raises one eyebrow and Kurt’s smile disappears for a second. Of course, Blaine would know. They’ve been dating for eight years. Blaine probably knows all of Kurt, whereas Kurt barely knows Blaine.

“Oh. Yes, of course.”

“Let’s go to the living room. Your dad, Carole and I have to tell you something and you might have to sit down for this.”

After greeting Carole, who’s also on the other side of the line, Blaine puts the phone on speakerphone and he puts it down on the table. He takes a deep breath.

“Is there something wrong?” Kurt asks. He really, really has a bad feeling about this. Blaine sounded incredibly sad and stressed earlier, and now he’s looking at Kurt with such pity.

There’s a small moment of silence and it looks like Blaine’s trying to find the words. Burt beats him to it, though.

“Kurt, son, we have something to tell you. The three of us debated on whether or not we should tell you, or wait for your memories to come back, but since we might not know how long that will take, we’ve decided that we want you to hear this from us.”

Okay, now Kurt’s really getting worried. What is so important and devastating that they have to do all of this? It’s as if someone died.

Blaine moves closer and he puts his hands on Kurt’s. He waits for Kurt to push him away, but Kurt hasn’t so far, so why start now?

“What is it?” Kurt asks. He really does not like this.

“Kurt, honey,” Carole sounds _so_ , so exhausted, “It is about Finn.”


	4. Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update! Yup, I am just writing small snippets and later put them together and I actually managed to write enough for chapter 4 and 5.
> 
> In this chapter, we delve into the grief of losing Finn and how it feels for Kurt, especially since everyone around him has moved on. I admit that I am not quite satisfied with it, especially with the abrupt change of atmosphere in the ending, but I wanted to keep most of the grief in this chapter.
> 
> Let’s do this.

**DATE**

Kurt wakes up feeling numb.

He turns to his left side. Blaine is lying next to him, his hand close to Kurt’s hip. Kurt didn’t expect to share a bed with Blaine this early in the relationship, but yesterday was filled with a lot of tears, so he wanted Blaine close. Kurt must’ve fallen asleep while crying. After all, he was exhausted.

Kurt doesn’t really know what to feel.

Finn has been dead for fourteen years, but to Kurt, this is all new. How do you process the death of your nineteen year old brother?

Oh God, Kurt is in his thirties, but Finn never lived to see his twenties.

A new fresh wave of tears hits him. His brother is dead. Gone. Buried six feet under the ground. Finn died on the 13th of July, 2013. Kurt will forever hate that date.

Kurt lies in bed, crying. Blaine is fast asleep and Kurt prefers that. He doesn’t want Blaine to see him cry right now. He turns his head away, just to be sure. His mother’s dresser is standing against the wall.

He resists the urge to get out and cry against it. That would definitely wake Blaine up, so instead he just stares at it. Kurt just hopes that his mom is looking after Finn.

After an hour or so, Kurt decides to get up. No use lying around here. He needs time and space to clear his head, but honestly, how do you process this?

Kurt puts on some clothes, finds a piece of paper to write a note, finds some cash, and he slips out of the door. He hasn’t been outside since he got back from the hospital, but now he’s desperate for fresh air.

He walks around New York City aimlessly. The city that never sleeps doesn’t care that Kurt just lost his brother.

Or, well, he lost his brother fourteen years ago, but to Kurt, it just happened. Finn just died.

Kurt breathes in the filthy New York air. He hasn’t been outside the house since he got back from the hospital. He wanted to see New York, since the city seemed familiar to him. Familiar billboards advertise unfamiliar products and brands, but that’s it.

But walking around makes Kurt realise that there are more changes. Shops have closed down. Blocks have disappeared and other buildings are brand new. There are a lot of wires above his head, and Kurt has no idea what they’re for. He didn’t see them yesterday due to the dark.

Luckily, some things are the same, although a bit altered. Many familiar brands have changed their logo’s, but they’re still recognisable.

He needs coffee, and he’s pleasantly surprised to see that Starbucks still exists, albeit with a new logo. He desperately needs coffee. It’s not enough to process that his brother died, but it’s something.

Inside, there are still plenty of barista’s, so manual jobs haven’t been taken over by robots, but there’s no proper checkout or cash register. Instead, there are pillars with huge screens that display ORDER HERE.

Kurt touches one of the screens. Of course, it’s touch screen. The menu appears with photos of the products and Kurt understands that he has to tap the items. Kurt orders a simple black coffee, but when he wants to pay, he doesn’t see place to pay with card or a slot for dollar bills. Instead, a small part of the pillar lights up, and the screen reads: HOLD SPRINGO WALLET HERE and OTHER PAYMENT OPTION.

Kurt clicks OTHER PAYMENT OPTION, but he soon finds out that the names are as unfamiliar.

“Apple pay? Apple has a currency?” Kurt sighs as he scrolls through the options.

After a while, he completely gives up. He doesn’t know how to cancel his order, but he doesn’t care anymore. The person behind him in line can fix that for him.

_Fucking hell, I can’t even order a coffee_

Nothing makes any fucking sense. He’s in his thirties and the world has completely changed. His brother is dead, his boyfriend is unknown to him, and he can’t even order a coffee. The latter is relatively unimportant, but on top of all the other crap, Kurt feels like that’s the last straw.

Kurt feels himself tear up again. He can’t remember the last time he felt this devastated. He feels so incredibly lost. He walks towards Central Park to just, well, sit down and cry.

He sits down on one of the benches and he puts his head in his hands. Who can he talk to? His dad, Carole and Rachel have all moved on. Sure, they still miss Finn, but to them, Finn’s death is an old wound. It might never heal, but it’s there and they’re used to it.

But Kurt didn’t have time to soften the blow. Or he did, but those fourteen years are gone. There is no standard procedure for people who experience this kind of grief.

“Kurt Hummel?”

Kurt gasps out in shock. He didn’t expect anyone to see him. He quickly dries his tears and when he looks up, two teenagers are looking at him. They look concerned.

Of course, Kurt doesn’t recognise them, but why would he know two teenagers? Kurt might never know, so, he tries to keep his voice stable. Maybe he’s supposed to know them.

“Yes?”

The two teenagers exchange some worried looks. One then says: “Look, usually we wouldn’t, like, talk to famous people-”

Wait. What?

“-but, like, are you okay? You seem kinda… I mean, no offense, you’re Kurt Hummel, but, like, we know that you have personal things going on, cause that’s what the press release said and-”

“What my friend is trying to say,” the other person cuts in, “Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

Kurt’s mind is spinning. Famous? Press release?

“No, but thank you for asking,” Kurt says calmly, “I think I am going home.”

“Oh, of course.”

Kurt says a quick farewell and he tries to make his way back home as fast as possible.

_What just happened?_

Unfortunately, he’s been wandering aimlessly for too long, so it takes a long time for him to find home.

When Kurt reaches the apartment building, he rings the bell, since he’s forgotten to take his keys.

“Kurt?” Blaine’s voice sounds tired.

“It’s me. Let me in,” Kurt says and the door buzzes. He wants to go home. Sure, home is unfamiliar, but so is New York.

Kurt goes up the elevator and Blaine’s already standing in the doorframe of the front door. “You had me worried,” Blaine says when he sees Kurt, “You’ve gone rogue.”

“Yeah, well, my brother is dead,” Kurt snaps.

Blaine’s eyes widen. “No, no, I mean, uhm, ‘gone rogue’ means something else, like, it means that, I mean- Gah.”

Blaine stumbles over his words for a few more seconds, before he completely gives up and goes inside. Kurt watches him go and he counts to ten. It’s understandable that Kurt is mad, but it’s not okay to let it all out on Blaine.

Kurt goes inside and Blaine is holding something. Kurt’s breath hitches when he sees that it’s the invitation to Finn’s funeral.

“I put this in the office,” Blaine says sadly, “Normally, it’s on your mother’s dresser. Do you, uhm, want to put it back there?”

Kurt takes the small card and shakes his head. “No. The dresser is the only thing that I recognise. I want to keep it that way.”

“Of course.”

Instead, Kurt puts it on the windowsill. The small photo of Finn makes him almost tear up again.

He turns back to Blaine and asks: “What does going rogue mean then?”

Blaine looks a bit taken aback. “We don’t have to talk about it. You can- I mean, you are obviously grieving.”

“Distract me with your futuristic knowledge.”

“Well, it’s not exactly futuristic-“

“Blaine.”

“Yeah, sorry. Uhm, ‘going rogue’ means that you’re going outside without identifying tech on you,” Blaine explains and he holds up his bare wrist, “I am not wearing any, since we’re inside, but usually people wear a Springo or something similar here. Or a phone. Your phone is enough, but people like to use their Springo’s as well. Oh, wait, you don’t know what a Springo is.”

Kurt shakes his head. He’s starting to regret asking Blaine, but he lets it slide.

“Springo has many features. Do you know PayPal? Springo Wallet is the continuation of PayPal. No one uses cards or cash anymore, only at smaller shops that still can’t afford a El-Pay point. That stands for electronic payment. You just press your Springo or something similar against it and you’ve paid. Things like a Springo or an Apple watch or a phone have location services. There are wires around all of New York now. Those are probably new to you as well, but they constantly detect location. Location services have gone from wireless to wires, can you imagine it?”

“People are constantly tracked? And people are okay with that?” Kurt asks indignantly.

“Well, there was obviously a lot of resistance when it got introduced in 2021. That’s why there are wires now. Before the wires, location could be tracked everywhere, but now, that’s gone. Only wires can pick up the signals. That was the agreement: location tracking would become more mandatory on phones and other devices under the condition that it’s limited. No one can track us in our apartment, since we don’t have wires in our house. That, and you can ‘go rogue’. The location service is mandatory on your devices, but you don’t need to carry those. Without tech on you, you’re untraceable.”

“Why hasn’t everyone gone rogue, then?”

Blaine shakes his head. “This is just… how it is. I know it might sound weird and scary, but we both remember the time where our parents wouldn’t let us use the internet. Our parents remember the time where our grandparents wouldn’t let them use TV. It’s not perfect and there are known privacy affairs, but the last big one was in 2025. Your Springo has become your ID and your wallet and bus card, subway ticket and basically everything. It’s more convenient to have one Springo and one phone with you instead of an entire wallet filled with cards and cash.”

“Okay, yeah,” Kurt says shortly. He really, really regrets asking, but what can he do? He’s fifteen years into the future. Until his memories come back, he has to get used to it.

Blaine notices the change of mood. Of course, he notices. Blaine probably knows Kurt better than he knows himself. Blaine’s about to reach out, but Kurt turns around. Talking about current affairs make him feel miserable, but talking about Finn also makes him miserable. He can’t seem to win. Besides, Blaine’s never met Finn.

Kurt wants his mom. His mom has also never met Finn, but at least she won’t remind him of the fifteen years he’s lost. Kurt sniffs and leaves the room.

Blaine knows him well enough, so he doesn’t follow him to their bedroom. Kurt sits down in front of his mother’s dresser. He doesn’t cry, since he feels like he’s run out of tears, but sitting here just feels enough.

Kurt finds a small layer of dust, so he wipes it clean with his sleeve. Swipe left. Swipe right. Swipe left. He doesn’t understand why, but the small task makes him feel accomplished and despite everything, a small smile appears on his face.


	5. Emergency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere: Klaine Advent _Drabble_ Challenge  
> Me: *sees word count*  
> Me: *sweats*

**EMERGENCY**

It’s been a week.

A week since Kurt woke up fifteen years in the future and he’s back at the hospital. Apparently, Blaine and the doctor had made this decision a week ago: if, after 7 days, the memories have not come back, then there might be something wrong.

When Kurt asks the doctor why he wasn’t made aware of this, she sighs sadly.

“We did not want to burden you,” she says and Blaine hums in agreement, “Losing fifteen years of memories isn’t easy to process. There were no signs of immediate danger and your medical history has nothing alarming, so it wasn’t an acute emergency and we decided to let time do its thing.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine says and he sounds genuinely upset, “I didn’t want to keep this a secret from you, but I just- I tried to do what’s best for you.”

Kurt understands. Ever since Kurt woke up on the kitchen floor, Blaine’s been nothing but kind and accommodating. Besides, Kurt would’ve done the same. Blaine said so himself: there are no helpful guides for this situation they’re in. Blaine’s just trying his best.

So Kurt takes Blaine’s hand and he gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Then he turns back to the doctor and says: “So, what now?”

The doctor looks apologetic. “You must forgive me for the semi-unprofessionalism. These things are relatively unknown to us as well. The best we can think of is an MRI to check your brain for possible damage. We have no reason to believe that you have a case of brain damage, but as I mentioned, we’re also reaching into the dark. Yet, neuroscience has advanced a lot in the past fifteen years, so we just want to be sure.”

Kurt squeezes Blaine’s hand again, but this time because he’s nervous. Blaine gives him a small encouraging squeeze in return.

“We won’t do anything without your consent,” the doctor reassures him.

But does Kurt really have a choice? He wants to know what is going on.

* * *

Blaine tells him that he’s going out.

“I have to do some work related things, but I’ve asked some people to come over,” Blaine says, “Rachel and Jesse are coming over.”

Kurt just sighed in response. Blaine didn’t notice.

To be honest, Kurt’s kind of tired from being cut off from the rest of the world. He’s been inside for most of the past week and Kurt still has no TV or Wi-Fi, so he doesn’t have the same access to the world as Blaine.

(“How can you be online the entire time?”

“I have unlimited data, Kurt.”

“Oh, so the whole 3G really takes off.”

“8G, Kurt.”)

Kurt hears the front door open and Rachel’s shrill voice fills the room. Kurt tunes out and he just waits for Blaine to leave. He understands that Blaine is worried and confused, but it’s been a little over a week, and Kurt feels like Blaine’s been treating him as a kid. He’s nineteen. He can look after himself.

 _Actually, you’re thirty-four_ , he thinks to himself and he sighs again.

The front door closes and Rachel and Jesse step into the living room. The three of them stare at each other for a long time.

Rachel and Jesse look older. Fifteen years older, to be more precise. Jesse’s hair is a lot shorter and he has shaved sides. He even seems taller, but that sounds idiotic. Kurt gives Jesse a quick do-over. He probably cares more about Jesse now, but to Kurt, he’s still that annoying guy from Vocal Adrenaline. Kurt hasn’t seen him since Nationals, where the New Directions beat Vocal Adrenaline. They didn’t stand a chance, even with the amazing Unique Adams on lead.

He pays more attention to Rachel. Apparently, Kurt’s make-over still holds up, since she’s not decked out in reindeer sweaters. Then again, the clothes that she’s wearing seem kind of odd to Kurt, but fashion has changed a lot in fifteen years. She also has cut her hair short to a stylish bob. Rachel wears a lot of make-up, but Kurt can still see new laughter lines and there’s a poorly hidden scar near her mouth.

Jesse breaks the semi-awkward silence with a cough. To Kurt’s utter surprise and amusement, Jesse holds out his hand. “Kurt, hey, nice to see meet again. I hope you remember me. It’s Jesse St. James.”

Still somewhat amused, Kurt shakes his hand. “Kurt Hummel, but you know that. And yes, I do remember you. We recently kicked your ass at Nationals.”

Jesse’s smile falters for a moment. It’s as if he’s now realising that Kurt truly misses fifteen years of memories. To Jesse, Nationals is long ago. To Kurt, it’s recent.

So Jesse nods awkwardly and says: “That is true.”

“Don’t mind him, Kurt, he’s still hurt by that,” Rachel rolls her eyes dramatically. Rachel doesn’t seem to care about the formalities. Instead, she falls down on the couch and starts talking to him about a rude woman on the subway and how Rachel reacted.

Rachel treats him as a friend, not as the amnesia patient. Knowing Rachel, she might not do it to make Kurt feel better, but because she just wants to talk about herself, but it makes Kurt feel happy. Kurt talks back and he occasionally sighs and rolls his eyes at Rachel’s actions and it feels so familiar. Even fifteen years later, Rachel is still Rachel.

Jesse joins in and the three of them just… talk. They talk easily. Jesse starts talking about how he tried to make dinner and how he ruined it and Rachel laughs loudly, and Kurt feels great.

Even when Rachel brings up the amnesia, Kurt’s already at ease.

“How did you guys meet each other again?”

Rachel takes Jesse’s hand and Jesse smiles at her.

“Broadway,” Rachel answers.

“Broadway?” Kurt exclaims, “You’re on Broadway?”

“Yes, we got cast as the two leads in an upcoming Broadway show, but I, uhm, turned it down.”

Kurt looks at Rachel in shock. Rachel Berry turning down a Broadway show? Maybe Rachel isn’t Rachel after all, but then again, a lot has probably changed in the past fifteen years.

“Look, a lot happened, but I finished my degree at NYADA and by that time, Jesse started directing instead of acting,” Rachel says proudly.

Jesse makes a small bow and Rachel laughs before leaning in to kiss him.

“I auditioned for a show that he co-directed, got the role, and we reconnected.”

Jesse kisses their joint hands and Kurt feels a pang of sadness. To him, Finn has just died, but it’s clear that Rachel has moved on. Kurt quickly pushes the sadness aside, though. It’s clear that she is very happy and that is what Finn would’ve wanted.

“Ah, yes, being famous is amazing,” Jesse says mockingly.

“Sure, because I only married you for the fame!”

At the word ‘famous’, something in the back of Kurt’s mind resurfaces. The day after Kurt found out about Finn’s death, two strangers called him famous. Back then, Kurt was too wracked by grief to care about anything else than Finn’s death, but now he’s curious.

“Rachel, am I famous?”

“Definitely, Kurt,” Rachel says happily, “Blaine wanted to tell you, but he told me that it’s fine if I were the one to break the news. After all, he didn’t trust me to keep my mouth shut.”

Jesse laughs at that. “Yup, he’s right.”

“Kurt, where to start? You’ve done so much.”

“Obie award?” Jesse starts, “His own online accessory line called Hummel Brag?”

“Your Broadway debut was in 2021 after a great Off-Broadway career,” Rachel takes out her huge phone to show Kurt pictures of him on stage. He doesn’t recognise the show, but seeing him on stage makes his heart swell with pride. The photos are also of amazing quality. Can phones do that?

“I did that?” Kurt takes Rachel’s phone in awe.

Jesse gets up and he leaves the room. He later returns holding a small statue. Kurt recognises it immediately.

“Blaine gave me permission to get this out of the office. Yes, I know your office. It might be weird for you, but we’re friends.”

But Kurt isn’t focused on Jesse. Oh no, he’s focused on the Tony awards in Jesse’s hands.

“No!” Kurt yells out in shock.

Rachel’s trying hard to supress her laughter, but she’s failing miserably. Jesse also can’t help but smile widely when he sees the awe on Kurt’s face.

“The Tony Award for Actor in a Leading Role 2024 goes to Kurt Hummel,” he mimics whoever the host was.

Rachel claps and whistles when Kurt takes the statue. Jesse also cheers and hoots. It’s not the lavish ceremony he always imagined, but to him, it feels like the perfect way to win his first Tony.

“We made it?” Kurt is still a bit in shock and awe. He turns the statue around and he takes it all in. A part of him is bitter that he can’t remember it, but with Rachel and Jesse’s happy cheering, it all feels alright. Maybe the bitterness will come back later, but for now, Kurt is proud of himself.

“We all did,” Rachel affirms.

“Maybe now it’s a good time to mention that you’re dating a two-times Grammy nominated musician,” Jesse says casually and Kurt almost drops his Tony in response.

“Jesse, you can’t just casually mention that!” Rachel exclaims, as if she’s reading Kurt’s mind, but Jesse winks at Kurt.

It’s weird. Up until an hour ago, Kurt didn’t even like the guy, but now Jesse’s acting around him with such familiarity and Kurt doesn’t mind at all.

“Blaine is… what?”

“Blaine Anderson is one of the hottest upcoming artists of the late 20s,” Rachel explains enthusiastically, “He self-released his first album in 2025 and it- well, it was phenomenal. He already had a small following after he released two EPs, but this album blew up. His first Grammy nomination happened the same year. It’s almost unheard of. He didn’t win, but he only released his second album earlier this year and got nominated again.”

“Just like you got your second Tony nomination this year!” Jesse adds.

“Not now, Jesse, one thing at the time,” Rachel scoffs.

The two of them bicker for a bit, but it’s more as a joke. Kurt waves to get their attention.

“Wait, I’m on Broadway now?” Kurt asks frantically. If he’s on Broadway, then why the hell is he sitting at home every day?

“Yes. Why the hell would you have a stubble anyway? Your character doesn’t shave as much, but do not worry, Kurt, it is all taken care of,” Rachel puts a reassuring hand on Kurt’s shoulder.

Jesse nods in agreement. “After all, it is my show. But even then, people understand that this is an exceptional case.”

“To the public, you’re out due to unexpected personal reasons, which I guess is correct,” Rachel tells Kurt, “All is well, Kurt. We’re in New York, we’re living our dreams. Trust us.”

Kurt relaxes a little bit. He trusts Rachel and he even trusts Jesse. It’s just a lot to take in. He’s made it to Broadway and so did Rachel.

“What happened to the others? Mercedes, Artie, Tina and the others?”

Rachel smiles widely. She takes her phone again and she shows him a picture of the New Directions. On front, Artie and Mike are holding a banner that says: NEW DIRECTIONS REUNION OF 2020.

As expected, everyone looks older. Puck even has hair. There are also some lesser known faces, which confuses Kurt. He knows that there are new members, but Kurt doesn’t really know them.

“We still see each other regularly. This photo is quite old,” Rachel sounds nostalgic. Then she starts to list everyone’s successes. Artie is a film director, Tina stars in his movies, Mercedes is a Grammy-winning musician, Quinn has an amazing teaching job at Yale, Brittany and Santana have dance and acting careers, Puck’s joined the army after Finn’s death, Mike is a choreographer, Sam is a past model and now teaches… the list goes on.

“Wow,” is all that Kurt can say. He takes the phone from Rachel and he zooms in on everyone’s happy faces. They did it. They all truly did it.

If only Kurt could remember it.

* * *

They remainder of the afternoon is filled with talking about the others. To Kurt’s utter surprise, Rachel tells him that Kitty Wilde lives in New York with her boyfriend, and that Kurt and Kitty are close friends.

“Wait, that Quinn wannabe?”

Rachel nods and Jesse tries not to laugh at the ‘Quinn wannabe’.

“We know that from your perspective, you’ve barely seen each other and the impression that she’s given you is not the best. That’s why we decided to not take Kitty and Roderick with us for now. Let it sink in and if you wanna know more, you can call her.”

Kurt makes a face. “I can’t call her. I don’t have a phone. Blaine deemed me unfit.”

“Well, honestly, I can see why. Your Firmspring has been blowing up,” Jesse says and when he sees the puzzled look on Kurt’s face, he adds: “That’s social media. Firmspring is a social media platform that mostly hosts videos.”

“Like YouTube?”

“Ouch Kurt, the loss of YouTube is still fresh,” Rachel jokes, although Kurt obviously misses the punchline. Is YouTube gone?

Jesse rubs his temples in frustration. “Gosh, lemme think. What were big social media platforms in 2012? Is SnapChat a thing already?”

Kurt shakes his head. Maybe it is, but Kurt hasn’t heard of it.

Jesse groans and Rachel rolls her eyes. “Do not mind him. Thinking hurts his brain, since he’s not used to using it.”

Kurt and Rachel laugh while Jesse mutters something in protest.

“Let’s just say that many social media platforms from the 2010s have disappeared, but features have re-emerged in Firmspring. It has aspects of Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and SnapChat and Instagram. After all, the platforms started copying each other’s features anyway, so Firmspring demolished them all by being the most ambitious. Why have multiple social media accounts when you can have one Firmspring?”

The ever growing monopolies kind of worries Kurt, with Springo taking over a lot and apparently, social media is also merged into one platform, but that’s just 2012 speaking.

“Wait. Firmspring sounds a lot like a Springo?”

“Springo Co. owns Firmspring, Kurt.”

Obviously.

“Is there seriously only one social media platform? To me, it feels like social media are just getting started and now they’re all gone? I still have to get used to the many platforms being there.”

“Oh, no, no, Kurt! Facebook and Instagram still exist, but people don’t use it as much, since people have Firmspring. And Tumblr and TikTok are still a thing. They already existed in the 2010s, right?” Rachel asks Jesse, who nods, but looks unsure.

“I think TikTok was late 2010s, though. Or was it early 2020s? Ugh, at one point, there was too much.”

“Google services like YouTube are just gone. Google got wrapped up in 2025, only recently. Uhm, Springo Co. has acquired Twitter and Blytz and immersed it in Firmspring. There are loads of smaller platforms and also local platforms. As Broadway starts, we’re big on Sha-Bash, which is New York based.”

Rachel and Jesse list of more social media platforms, but apart from Pinterest, Kurt doesn’t recognise them. Kurt doesn’t even recognise some discontinued platforms like Caddrop, Pring and Blytz. Kurt is really happy that Rachel and Jesse are telling him so much, since Blaine’s been awfully shy about talking about the past fifteen years, but it’s a lot to take in.

After a while, Blaine returns home and Rachel and Jesse bid their farewells. At least Blaine is there. Kurt can’t fully describe it, but even though Kurt barely knows him, Blaine’s presence makes him feel at ease.

Blaine is fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Blaine is not fine.


	6. Fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After rewatching the brilliant 45 minute long masterpiece called Basically I’m Gay (© Daniel Howell, 2019), I realised that Firmspring sounds a lot like the old social media platform Formspring. This was unintentional. 
> 
> I didn’t put much thought into creating the platforms mentioned in the fifth chapter - two of them were named after snacks I ate while writing so - since I decided to not care _that_ much about the technology. Just to clarify: Firmspring is not Formspring. In this world, Spring Co. started in 2016 and Firmspring was created in 2020 or something to compete with LinkedIn, so it orignally was created for promoting firms.
> 
> With that in mind, let’s see how Blaine’s been doing for the past week.

**FIST**

Blaine is not fine.

He is far from fine. He has problems holding his phone because his hands are shaking so much. He balls his free hand into a fist, just to make it stop shaking that much. He’s pacing around the hospital hallway, waiting for Wes to pick up the fucking phone.

The nurses told him that Kurt has a huge case of amnesia. They’re still asking Kurt questions, but one nurse slipped out of the room to let Blaine know that it does not look good. Soon, Blaine will go into that room as well and he will look at the face of his boyfriend who will not remember him.

How will Blaine be able to look at Kurt whilst knowing that?

The call goes to voicemail again, so Blaine angrily yells: “Mimi, call Wes Montgomery _again_!”

Some people shoot angry looks, but his AI happily obliges. His AI doesn’t have feelings and for once, Blaine sympathises with his good old Mimi.

Finally, Wes picks up.

“Sup Blainers.”

Usually, Blaine would scoff at his friend using that old nickname from high school, but right now he’s too stressed to do it. Instead he blurts out: “Cancel tomorrow’s work appointment. It’s an emergency.”

The tone of Blaine’s voice must’ve made it clear. Blaine doesn’t often cancel appointments, but when he does, Wes tries to find a way to make him show up anyway. Now, Wes immediately says: “I’m texting Sebastian already. Wanna tell me what is going on?”

What is going on? Blaine barely even fucking understands it as well. He’s just so fed up. So angry at the world. Why the hell did this have to happen to him?

Blaine stops pacing, since his breathing is speeding up. This is just so ridiculous. Wes will never fucking believe it.

“In. Out,” Wes starts, “In. Out. One, two, three. Whatever it is, you’re stressing, dude.”

With the help of Wes, Blaine starts to calm down a bit. Then again, how calm can you be when you find out that the love of your life doesn’t know you?

“Are you home? Do I need to come over? Where is Kurt?”

In. Out. One, two, three.

“We’re at the hospital. Kurt’s- well, fuck, Wes, you’re never gonna fucking believe it!” Blaine says hysterically, as if he’s on the brink of a meltdown. Well, he probably is.

“Blaine, you’re getting agitated. Calm down for a bit and then tell me why you’re in the hospital.”

Damn, Wes always knows what to say. He should’ve become a therapist, not an entertainment lawyer.

“Basically, Kurt’s lost his memories. I found him lying on the kitchen ground and when he didn’t recognise me, I got worried. Wes, Kurt… I knew something was wrong the moment it became clear that he doesn’t know his brother is dead.”

“Ouch.” Ouch is an understatement, but Blaine knows that Wes understands how serious it is. Wes lost his sister when he was young.

“They – fuck, sorry – they haven’t told me how much he’s lost, but if he doesn’t remember his brother dying it’s not gonna be good. He’s- he doesn’t…” Blaine trails off. He knows what is means, but saying it out loud would make it more real.

Wes is smart enough to fill in the blanks: Kurt doesn’t remember Blaine. Kurt and Blaine met four years after Finn’s death.

“It’s okay, Blaine, just… just talk to me. What is it?”

Blaine is angry. That’s it. He is just fucking fed up with the absurdity of this situation, but he shouldn’t speak. He’s not the one who lost at least fourteen years of memories. Kurt’s the one with a possible fucking brain injury. The nurses have reassured Blaine that there seems nothing wrong, but Blaine has to stop himself from snapping at them.

_If there’s nothing wrong, then why the hell did his memories disappear?_

But he doesn’t tell Wes all of that. Instead he just mutters: “Life sucks.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Wes sounds solemn.

“What the fuck will Kurt think if he could see me now?” Blaine laughs bitterly. He’s on the brink of an epic meltdown in the middle of this hallway.

“He loves you,” Wes says and Blaine snorts.

“Does he? He apparently doesn’t even know me!”

“Then let him know you.”

The words hit hard. Wes is right, of course, but Blaine’s changed a lot in the past few years and it was not always pretty.

“I-I’m not sure if I want that, Wes.”

The two of them stay on the line for a while. They don’t talk much, since there’s not much to say, but it’s nice to know that Wes is there. Normally, Blaine shares his thoughts and burdens with Kurt, but Kurt probably doesn’t know him.

Scratch probably.

Kurt definitely doesn’t know him.

After a while, the doctor comes up to talk to him about a possible MRI if the memories do not resurface after one week, and then he follows her into the room. Time to face the music.

* * *

To Blaine’s utter surprise, life goes on. He wakes up, he has breakfast with Kurt, he works on some music or keeps Kurt company, he eats, he goes to sleep with Kurt next to him.

It’s all so normal.

Except it isn’t. Blaine tries to be strong for Kurt, since he’s the one who has to navigate through this unfamiliar world, but when Kurt’s not looking, Blaine just wants to cry. And oh, he does. He cries in the shower. He cries when he slips back to the office. He cries because he’s sad that he has to watch the love of his life go through this, but mostly, he’s so angry.

It’s just a difficult week. The littlest things hit the most. It breaks Blaine’s heart to see how Kurt’s faces falls when he catches his reflection in a mirror or window. It’s terrible to watch Kurt cook, since he’s even forgotten the smallest, insignificant things, like where to find the salt. It’s tedious, knowing that Kurt often retreats to the bedroom to cry at his mother’s dresser. The list goes on. So Blaine cries a lot, but only when Kurt doesn’t see it.

But then he dries his tears. He turns off his phone to avoid the annoying comments on Firmspring, asking what is going on, and he goes back to Kurt with a smile on his face.

* * *

After a week, Blaine feels ready to combust. Kurt’s memories have not come back, and Blaine just needs to get out.

So he calls Rachel and Jesse to keep Kurt company. They’re not the only glee kids living in the city, but Kurt’s told him a lot of stories about how he used to dislike Kitty and Kurt probably doesn’t even know Roderick.

It’s weird to think that Kurt doesn’t remember two of his closest friends. Blaine only met Kurt after the whole dramatic feud between Kurt and Kitty had settled down, so Blaine can’t imagine them being hateful towards each other. Jesse is already a stretch.

Blaine takes a cab to Sebastian and Adam’s apartment. People have started to recognise him, now that his music career is taking off, so taking a train is a bit off-limits. He gives his driver an enormous tip and he lets himself in. After all, the doorman recognises him.

As expected, Wes, Mae, Sebastian and Adam are waiting for him.

“You look like shit, Blaine,” Sebastian says when he opens the door.

“Feel like shit,” Blaine says and he walks past Sebastian. Adam and Mae greet him as well. Wes just has a pitiful look on his face, but Blaine takes it. Wes is the only one who knows what is going on. He hasn’t even told his girlfriend.

“Wes told us that Kurt’s a bit ill,” Adam says and Blaine wants to laugh at the ‘bit’ part. He’s not a bit ill. He’s a lot-

Well, is he ill? Kurt is fine, minus the huge memory loss. They’ve got an MRI scheduled, so all they can do is wait for now.

“We’re surprised that you decided to have a small meeting. The upcoming album can always wait and besides, Wes made it clear that the situation at home is dire enough,” Mae says and the others nod.

“You’re here, though. Does this mean that Kurt’s getting better?” Sebastian asks.

Blaine shakes his head. There’s absolutely no improvement and Blaine had to get out. He’s not here to work, but to vent. The others just don’t know it yet.

“If I may ask, what is going on with Kurt?” Adam sounds a bit worried.

Blaine takes a deep sigh and he nods. “Yes, I wanted to tell you. I want you guys to know what is happening, not as colleagues, but as close friends.” So Blaine tells him everything, from the moment he found Kurt lying on the kitchen floor, to the news that Finn has died, to scheduling an MRI, to now. He tells his friends every excoriating detail and he doesn’t hide the bitterness and sheer anger that’s he’s hidden in front of Kurt and nurses and doctors.

Because, really, Blaine is so angry at the universe. Kurt and Blaine were doing so great. They are at amazing points in their career. Past troubles of miscommunication have been fought. They’re working towards the future.

After Blaine’s heated monologue, it is silent. Adam, Sebastian and Mae all absorb the words. Wes just looks sad.

“He doesn’t know any of us?” Mae sounds sincerely sad.

“He doesn’t even know me, Mae,” Blaine says and the anger in his body seems to leave. Instead, sadness washes over him. Kurt doesn’t know anyone here. He doesn’t know that Adam is his first boyfriend. He doesn’t remember Wes and the time he ran into a pretty woman in the park called Mae. He can’t recall Blaine’s pure and utter shock at seeing Sebastian again after everything that went down in Dalton. And the follow up: the news that Sebastian is dating Kurt’s ex Adam.

They work as a team for Blaine’s album. Of course, there are more people involved in making an album, but this is his core. Wes is his lawyer, Adam helps with administration, and Sebastian does his PR. Mae isn’t officially part of his team, since she has a full-time job as a high school teacher, but she’s Wes’s girlfriend and she sticks around. She's resourceful and she can keep the peace and calm. 

Blaine needs that now. 

Work brought them all together, but friendship came out it. Yes, even Blaine and Sebastian managed to become friends. Kurt doesn’t even know the work – Rachel is probably filling him in – so he will definitely not know the friendship.

Sebastian gets up, probably to break out the alcohol. Blaine doesn’t drink, but he’s tempted to accept a cup of strong vodka, just to make him forget for a second. Adam goes after his boyfriend, probably to talk some sense into him.

Mae is on the verge of tears. Kurt and Mae are very close. Kurt was the person who told Wes to finally take the big step and ask Mae out and when Wes and Mae started dating. Afterwards, Kurt and Mae became great friends. Wes rubs comforting circles on her back.

Adam and Sebastian come back from the kitchen, empty-handed. “No liquor, but I am definitely in the need for coffee,” Sebastian says and Blaine wholeheartedly agrees.

“How are you holding up, mate?” Adam asks Blaine.

“I’m terrified, Adam,” Blaine admits.

“Of what?”

“How this is going to change Kurt. Change us. What if he-” Blaine’s breath hitches.

“What if he _what_ , Blaine?” Wes motions for Blaine to go on.

“What if he doesn’t love me anymore.”

Mae rolls her eyes and Adam and Sebastian also exchange some amused looks. Wes shakes his head while smiling.

“It is not funny!” Blaine says angrily.

Wes shrugs half-heartedly. “No, it isn’t, but do you really think he’s going to stop loving you out of nowhere?”

“Things can change,” Blaine argues.

“But they won’t,” Wes says back, sounding a bit more strained.

“How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

“But how?”

“Because he will love you, Blaine.”

“Give me one reason why he would love me?”

“Damnit Blaine, because he’s done it before!” Wes yells out. His patience is gone.

That shuts Blaine up. He looks around him and all his friends are looking at him with such pity. The more amused looks are gone and Blaine can’t stand it, but of course, Wes makes a valid point. He always does.

Wes continues to say: “He’s done it before and he will do it again. He already loved you the first time around, despite your flaws. Why the hell would it be different this time?”

Blaine knows why he’s afraid. He just doesn’t want to say it out loud, but then Mae scoots closer and wraps her hands around him and Sebastian and Adam hurry closer too. These friends have seen many ups and downs in Blaine’s life.

He should tell them.

“It’s just that… what if the memories don’t come back? He has a new chance at life and at finding someone else.” There, Blaine’s said it. There’s no going back. He can feel the tears forming in his eyes.

Wes doesn’t scoff or scold him. Instead, he joins the cuddle pile.

“Blaine Devon Anderson, in your past eight years with Kurt you’ve had a lot of doubts and fears but never once did you doubt Kurt’s love for you. Yes, you’ve felt inadequate and sometimes even unlovable, but in the end you always knew that Kurt loved you anyway. Don’t start now.”

Sebastian nods. “Yeah and also, what is in the past is in the past. Are you afraid of Kurt not loving you for who you are now, or are you afraid that your past will scare him off?”

“Both,” Blaine admits. The tears are now rolling down his cheek. Blaine’s cried a lot in the past week, but he was always hidden. Now he’s crying, but his friends are there.

“Kurt loves you, mate, I know so. He left me for you,” Adam jokes and he clutches his heart in fake-shock. The others laugh, despite the sad atmosphere. This has been an inside joke for years. Everyone knows that Adam is over Kurt.

“Also, what if Kurt changes? So what?” Mae ponders, “He might be a different person, but so are you, Blaine. Sebastian’s right. What’s past is in the past. Let Kurt fall in love with the current you. I mean, from everyone in this room, I’ve known you the shortest. I honest to God don’t want to know high school Blaine, or Blaine from ten years ago. I’m fine knowing you now.”

Blaine stares at her. Mae is such a wonderful person, who’s always there to see things positively. What would Blaine do without her?

“I love you, Mae,” he tells her.

“I love you too, Blaine,” Mae says back, and she wipes away his tears.

“Hey, now wait a minute!” Wes yells out and everyone dissolves into laughter again.

“Sorry babe, I love you as well, but my best friend Blaine comes first,” Mae says and she sticks out her tongue.

“Blaine is my best friend!” Wes says back and he pretends to faint from shock and betrayal.

The others all start to argue as well (“Blaine loves me more!” “Excuse me, Blaine and I go way back!” “Yes, but you were a fucking prick, Sebastian.” “Ouch!” “He’s right, though.”) and Adam goes out to get some coffee and cronuts from the coffee shop around the corner.

They talk some more about Kurt, but they also talk about their work for Blaine’s new gigs. It’s nice. Blaine loves his friends and by the end of the afternoon, he says his goodbyes and he goes back to Kurt. Of course, he plasters a smile on his face.

It will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is Blaine! Due to my poor planning, this story is mostly going to be Kurt’s POV, but we will check in with this poor guy every now and then. After all, he’s going through this as well.


	7. Ground

**GROUND**

Swipe left. Swipe right. And left again.

His mother’s dresser is cleaned up and it’s time for Kurt to get out of bed. Blaine’s still asleep, but Kurt can already start on breakfast. Before he leaves the bedroom, he looks back to see Blaine turning around in his sleep. They’ve been sleeping in the same bed for a while now and Kurt’s surprised by how comfortable it is to have Blaine lying next to him. After all, Blaine is kind of a stranger.

Well, not really, but Kurt just can’t remember him.

Kurt sighs and he moves to the kitchen. Kurt woke up feeling cheery and he decided to do something for Blaine. Over the past week and a half, Blaine’s been nothing but kind and patient with Kurt and Kurt wants to make something nice for him. Besides, Blaine is his boyfriend. It’s still new and they don’t really talk about where there relationship stands, but it feels proper to make a special breakfast.

Kurt has no idea what Blaine likes for breakfast, but Blaine’s given Kurt his phone back, since Blaine also started to realise that it was getting crazy to keep the outside world away, so Kurt uses it to look up recipes.

Kurt doesn’t have his Springo yet, because Blaine wants to explain that first.

His phone is slimmer and larger and Kurt can unlock his phone with his thumbprint or with facial recognition. It kind of freaks him out, since it comes straight from a sci-fi horror, but he’s also amazed by it. Blaine’s put the Wi-Fi back on, but he did delete social media from Kurt’s phone, like Firmspring and Sha-Bash. He’s also disabled messaging apps. Kurt doesn’t know much about his online presence, but he’s grateful nonetheless. He knows he can re-install them, but he won’t. Honestly, Kurt doesn’t mind, especially now that he knows that he’s quite famous. According to Blaine, Kurt’s social media has been blowing up with questions from Broadway fans.

Google is no longer a thing in 2027, but there’s a brand new, highly-advanced online search machine that happily supplies Kurt with lots of recipes for breakfast. He soon finds a recipe for scrambled eggs with tomatoes and feta cheese. Of course, Springo Co. owns the search machine that Kurt’s used. Kurt has the slight feeling that Springo Co. has replaced Google and therefore contributed to its demise.

Kurt still needs to familiarise himself with the content of each cupboard, so it takes him a while to get everything ready. He wants this to be perfect. Not only is this to thank Blaine, but Kurt also wants to talk to him. Again, Kurt has no idea where they stand. They like each other’s company and they share the bed, but Blaine’s been a bit distant.

Even now, Kurt feels like Blaine’s a stranger to him. He only knows his last name and that he’s a musician. Kurt can’t really explain it, but he likes being around Blaine. His presence feels comforting in some way. Maybe it’s a residue of Kurt’s lost memories, but who knows. This does mean that he’d like to know him better.

Kurt sings underneath his breath while he’s cooking. “ _Holding to the ground/As the ground keeps shifting/Trying to keep sane/As the rules keep changing_.” He’s had this song stuck in his head for a while. It’s from an old musical from the 90s called Falsettos, although Kurt found out that it had been revived in 2016.

“ _Keeping up my head/As my heart falls out of sight_ _/_ _Everything will be all right/Everything will be all right_ ,” Kurt continues to sing quietly. Luckily, the plot of the show does not apply to Kurt’s life, but these lyrics seem appropriate with the current situation.

Kurt’s in the midst of making scrambled eggs when Blaine comes in. He’s very sleepy and he has a huge bed head. Kurt thinks it’s adorable, although he won’t tell Blaine. Or maybe he will. Again, where do they stand? Kurt understands Blaine’s desire to give Kurt space, but it’s almost been two weeks and Kurt truly doesn’t know him.

“Morning, love,” Blaine says lazily.

The ‘love’ stings, but Kurt lets it slide. Blaine’s obviously half-awake.

“Good morning. I looked up some breakfast ideas on my phone.”

Blaine yawns and says: “Ah, did Lizzie recommend them?”

Kurt raises an eyebrow. Maybe Blaine’s too sleep deprived to remember the memory loss. “I don’t know any Lizzie, sorry.”

Blaine has a funny look on his face. “She’s on the kitchen counter, Kurt.”

Kurt looks around in confusion. Has he been missing a roaming cat for two weeks? That is very unlikely. Blaine laughs when he sees Kurt looking around.

“Hey Lizzie?” he yells out and to Kurt yelps in shock when his phone lights up.

“Good morning, Blaine,” an automated female voice says. It’s coming from Kurt’s phone.

“What time is it?” Blaine asks and he yawns again. He’s really sleepy.

“It is 9am on August 14th 2027,” the phone replies in monotone.

“Thanks Lizzie. All is well,” Blaine says and the light of the phone’s screen dims.

Kurt is looking at his large, flat phone in shock. “What the hell is that?”

“That’s your AI, Kurt. Haven’t you met her yet? You named her after your mother.”

Blaine doesn’t see the shocked and disturbed look on Kurt’s face as he moves past him to make coffee. The thought of coffee seems to wake him up.

“Her? It’s a phone, Blaine.”

Blaine looks over his shoulder to face Kurt and he rolls his eyes. “Alright. _It_. People just tend to refer to their AI’s with pronouns like her, him or them, based on the AI’s voice setting. Female voices have always been the most used, so people often give their AI’s female names to match Siri or Alexa. You surely must’ve heard of Apple’s Siri, right? I don’t remember exactly when Alexa became big, but if I remember, Siri was already released in 2012. I think she was the first mainstream virtual assistant.”

Kurt does know Siri. It was all in the news a while ago. Apple had released this voice recognition software for the iPhones. At least, that is all that Kurt knows.

“Virtual assistants?”

But Blaine is lost in thought. “Oh man, remember Google Assistant? So glad we never got one for our home now that Google is dead.”

“Blaine, what – or who – is Lizzie? Is she the virtual assistant of Samsung? Are these virtual assistants everywhere now?” Kurt turns down the electric cooking plate and he goes to find some plates. By now, he’s mostly familiar with that part the kitchen. Only the cupboards are still confusing, since every nook or cranny is stuffed.

Blaine takes a big gulp from his coffee and he blinks a couple of time. After two weeks, Kurt now knows that Blaine’s waking up.

“No, love, Bixby is the virtual assistant of Samsung, but we don’t use that. We use our own personal AI’s,” Blaine hands Kurt another cup of coffee and together, they move to the dining area of their apartment.

“Why, what is wrong with Bibyx? Byby? Bixby?”

This isn’t the kind of conversation that Kurt had anticipated, but now he’s intrigued. So much has changed in fifteen years and all these technological changes sound kind of disturbing.

“It makes us feel more comfortable to have our own personal AI’s. AI’s like Cortana, Siri or Alexa are all owned by big companies, namely Windows, Apple and Amazon and they’re everywhere. Okay, Cortana has been discontinued on iOS and Android, but she’s still prevalent. There have been privacy issues in the past, so a market for personal AI’s was upcoming a couple of years ago. Companies that create personal AI’s have to sign a contract, stating that the moment the sale is finalised, they no longer own any part of the AI. They can still be approached for technological support, but Lizzie is 100% yours and you own all the data that she collects. We decided to invest in our AI’s when we finally were able to afford it.”

“You have one as well?”

Blaine nods and then marvels about the eggs. Kurt’s happy that he likes it.

“Then what is yours called?”

“Mimi.”

“And why?”

“I’ve always wanted to have a dog and from a very young age, I wanted to call her Mimi. Well, I don’t have a dog, I have a phone. She’s also connected to my Springo.”

Kurt looks at Blaine’s bare wrist. He barely wears his Springo watch, but Blaine’s explained to him that Springo’s are more useful outside the apartment. The two of them haven’t really left the apartment that often and during the rare moments, Kurt’s mostly gone rogue. He knows that his thirty-four years old self is probably comfortable with this current state of the world, but nineteen years old Kurt isn’t. It’s all too new and futuristic.

Blaine has a knowing look on his face. “It’s a lot to take in, huh?”

Kurt nods slowly. “I wanted to talk to you about something else, but it feels kind of weird after this information dump.”

Blaine takes a sip of his coffee. “It’s fine. You can talk to me if something’s troubling you.”

Well, if that’s the case, then it’s best to just say it.

“Are we dating?” Kurt blurts out and Blaine almost chokes in his coffee.

After a small coughing fit, all Blaine can say is: “Uhm.”

“Like, don’t get me wrong or anything, because you have been nothing but kind, but I don’t even know you and I have no idea what our current relationship status is and I kind of want some clarity.”

Blaine’s silent for a while and Kurt starts to worry that he’s scared Blaine off. He’s about to apologise when Blaine starts talking.

“I’m so so-”

“Do you want to be?” Blaine asks.

“Do I want to be what?”

“Dating,” Blaine clarifies and he looks nervous.

“Yes!” Kurt answers instinctively and Blaine looks up in shock. Kurt can feel himself turn red. Oh God, this is the first guy Kurt’s ever really liked and now he’s looking like an idiot.

But then the shock on Blaine’s face turns into hope.

“You do?” he asks hopefully.

“I do, truly, but-” Blaine’s face falls immediately, “-I don’t know you. Don’t get me wrong. You’re hot and I like being with you and I have no problems holding your hand or sleeping next to you, but I don’t know you. You don’t talk about yourself at all. In the past days, I’ve only heard you talk about me and when you do talk about yourself, it’s in a relation to us. I know things about us. I know that we love living in New York. I know that we both enjoy musicals. I even know that we dislike heavy metal. Where’s the me, myself and I? I like you, and I’d like to date you, but first, I’d like to know you.”

Blaine looks conflicted. “Then, why are you sure that you want to be with me?”

Kurt wishes he could explain it as well. He knows that he feels completely at ease around Blaine. He knows that he wants to follow wherever Blaine goes. He knows that Blaine loves him and that Kurt can trust him.

There’s an instinctive pull towards Blaine. Maybe it really is a strange version of déjà vu, as if his consciousness remembers loving him, but that his mind and body haven’t caught up yet. Maybe Blaine is just that amazing.

Kurt has no idea. All he knows is that being with Blaine makes sense and right now, most things don’t make sense.

“I just do,” Kurt replies.

Blaine nods and he looks down. Kurt wishes he knew what Blaine was thinking. Blaine can so easily understand him, and Kurt assumes that thirty-four years old Kurt fully understands Blaine, but he’s not there yet. Blaine being so distant is not helping.

“Why don’t I know you? Like, right now, tell me something about yourself.”

Blaine looks like a deer caught in headlines.

“I, uhm, I…” he trails off, so Kurt decides to help him out.

“Do you have siblings?” Kurt asks. They have to start somewhere, so let’s start somewhere easy.

Unfortunately, Blaine has an uneasy look on his face. “Yes, one brother. He’s older.”

“And do you like him?”

“Well, uhm, yeah. We’re- we talk every now and then and in the spring-” Blaine immediately cuts himself off and he doesn’t talk about anything else.

“We’ll come back to him later,” Kurt says quickly. The awkwardness is almost palpable. “How are your parents?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Kurt raises an eyebrow. Asking Blaine questions is like pulling out teeth.

“Uhm, my mom is currently in the Philippines. I told you that she’s born there. Dad is in Ohio. It’s- yeah. That’s it.”

“Ohio? Oh yeah, you’re from Columbus!”

“Yes.”

Okay, apparently his family is a sore subject, so Kurt asks: “What is your favourite musical?”

Blaine’s face changes from a conflicted expression into an unreadable expression, but he answers: “Hadestown.”

“Why?”

Silence.

“It’s good.”

Blaine doesn’t elaborate much more and Kurt throws his hands in the air. He’s giving up. If every conversation is going to be this excoriating, then maybe Kurt shouldn’t bother at all.

Kurt gets up to bring the empty plates back to the kitchen and Blaine starts to protest, but Kurt doesn’t listen.

* * *

Kurt ignores Blaine for now. He cleans his mother’s dresser again and when he’s in the bathroom, he feels the strange urge to tap his nose three times, so he does. Blaine is holed up in the office and Kurt can hear music coming from the office, but doesn’t care to join him. Besides, Blaine doesn’t want him there.

Instead, he experiments with his AI Lizzie and he watches some more movies on Netflix. After all, he has a lot of movies to catch up on.

Later that evening, Kurt’s still on the couch and he’s watching this weird romantic comedy when he hears the door opening. Kurt pointedly looks away, but Blaine sits next to him.

The two of them watch the movie, although Kurt’s mind is on Blaine. He sneaks some glances and he sees how Blaine’s staring at the screen. Well, Kurt isn’t going to make the first move.

Blaine opens his mouth to say something. What he says is very unexpected.

“In my sophomore year, I serenaded a random guy who worked at the GAP and I got him fired.”

Kurt can’t help it. He wants to be mad at Blaine, but he snorts.

Kurt sneaks another glance and Blaine is still staring at the screen, but the corner of his lips are curled up.

“I am afraid of vampires, since my brother dressed up as Dracula when we were little,” he then says and Kurt snorts again.

Kurt tries not to laugh out loud, but the image of a small Blaine, hiding from his brother behind someone’s legs, is hilarious.

“My alma matter is Dalton Academy. A private boarding school known for prestigious education and weed.”

“I stabbed myself in the eye with mascara.”

“The first song I’ve ever written is about a tuna salad sandwich. I was six.”

“I got kicked out of my high school’s soccer team for singing at inappropriate times.”

“I used to wear a lot of hairgel, but I toned it down after I accidentally put cement in my hair. Don’t ask how I did that.”

“There are a lot of videos of me dancing on furniture. There are also a lot of videos of me falling of furniture.”

“I have approximately 69 bowties. Yes, that number is on purpose.”

“I almost broke my ankle while trying on my friend’s heels.”

Blaine keeps telling Kurt random, funny facts about himself and after a lot of them, Kurt can’t supress his laughter any longer. He hasn’t laughed this loudly in a days. His ribcage hurts as he wheezes and Blaine also burst out laughing.

When they calm down, they look at each other, and another fit of giggles and hoots bursts out.

After a while, the laughter dies down. By now, Blaine’s leaning against Kurt. The stupid movie is still playing in the background, but no one pays attention.

“Thank you for telling me all of that,” Kurt says earnestly. It’s not the deep personal information that he’d hoped for, but it’s something and it is _so_ Blaine.

“I’m sorry for this morning,” Blaine says softly, “I just- I don’t really like myself, so I don’t want to talk about myself.”

Kurt leans away and Blaine sits up. “You don’t like yourself?”

Blaine looks sad. “I’m- well, I’m starting to like myself now, but there’s a lot of shit that went down and I don’t want to scare you off.”

“I’ve been dating you for eight years, Blaine,” Kurt says pointedly, “I can hardly imagine future me being with someone I dislike. If I can like you the first time around, I can definitely do it a second time. You just said so yourself: you like yourself a lot better now. I told you, I want to be with you, but please let me know you.”

“Well, there’s also this time where I almost choked on liquorice during one of our first dates,” Blaine says casually and Kurt laughs again. This guy is ridiculous.

Blaine cups Kurt’s chin and he waits for Kurt to push him away, but Kurt doesn’t. “I love you, Kurt. You don’t have to say it back. If you want to be with me, despite everything, then let’s do it. I can’t promise that I will open up immediately, but I love you so much and for you, I’d do everything.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Blaine nods eagerly.

This isn’t Kurt’s first kiss. That was taken from him in his junior year in high school, and Blaine probably knows that story, but nevertheless, to Kurt, this is the first one that counts.

Blaine leans in to kiss him and it’s the best first true kiss ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I constantly had those lines from Holding to the Ground stuck in my head, so with this prompt, I was very happy to be able to put it into the fic. Speaking of songs, the tuna salad song is a definite tribute to the Symphony verse.


	8. Hiccup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back for now! There’s a small time jump, but it’s time for Kurt to meet some (old?) friends.

**HICCUP**

One morning, a month after the incident, Blaine drops a huge bomb on him.

“We’re getting married.”

Kurt almost drops his spoon in his breakfast bowl.

“We are?” he asks, trying to sound calm.

“We are,” Blaine confirms, “We’re getting married next spring. We have the venue booked. Our playlist is almost finished. We tasted the cake. We picked our song for the first dance. I am pretty sure Cooper is working on his best man speech, even though he’s not my best man… But yeah, we’re getting married.”

Kurt sets his spoon down and he just stares at Blaine. He doesn’t know what to say, or what to think. To Kurt, they’ve only been officially dating for two weeks and now Blaine tells him that they’re getting married soon.

And don’t get him wrong. Dating Blaine has been absolutely wonderful and Kurt has ever hoped for. After being in Ohio for so long, it’s nice to have a boyfriend who he can kiss and hold hands with and talk to. He loves waking up next to Blaine, knowing that he gets to spend the rest of the day with him.

Blaine’s also there for the sad parts. Blaine’s there to hold him when he cries at his mother’s dresser. Blaine doesn’t make fun of Kurt not knowing how to use his Springo. Blaine holds his hand when the results of the MRI can’t explain the memory loss.

It’s too fast. This is way too fast.

“Why are you telling me this?” Kurt blurts out. He no longer tries to sound calm.

“Because I think it might be time for us to face the music,” Blaine says sadly, “I’d marry you, still, but I can imagine that you might not want to marry someone you’ve just met. It’s been a month, Kurt, and I know we might have more time to get your memories back, but I do think you should know that we are getting married soon. If your memories don’t come back before that, I can understand if you want to break off the engagement. After all, losing your memories is not just some small hiccup or a pebble on the road. It’s huge.”

“I like you,” Kurt says immediately. It’s true. He really, really likes Blaine. But Blaine’s right. For Kurt, this is too soon.

Blaine smiles sadly. “I like you too, Kurt.”

Kurt knows what’s left unsaid. Blaine loves Kurt, but he doesn’t want to constantly say it, since he doesn’t want Kurt to feel uncomfortable. Kurt respects that, although the whole marriage bomb puts him in a very uncomfortable position now.

Kurt remains speechless, so Blaine says: “Look, we don’t have to make a decision right now. You just deserve to know what is going on in your life.”

* * *

The day after, Kurt gets an unexpected phone call. The screen lights up and Kurt can clearly read the name ‘Kitty’. Now, Kurt knows that he and Kitty are friends. It is just weird to think about it. The last time he saw Kitty, he was working at the Lima Bean and she was treating him horribly.

According to Rachel, the New Directions alumni have been updated a while ago. Kurt isn’t exactly ready to talk to them. Sometimes, talking to Rachel feels terrible. Rachel is clearly still Rachel, but then she mentions a memory that Kurt can’t remember, or she acts just a little bit too kind and Kurt gets thrown off all over again.

His friends text him every now and then, which is good enough. According to Blaine, everyone uses texting nowadays. Calling is only for serious topics, which is another reason why Kurt’s anxious to see that Kitty is calling him.

Maybe he should pick up. He barely knows Kitty, apart from the fact that she is (was?) a pain in the ass.

“Hello?” Kurt says nervously.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t expect you to pick up,” Kitty says lightly. She sounds friendly. It feels wrong.

Kurt shakes his head. It’s been fifteen years. Of course, Kitty has changed. She’s probably not the annoying Quinn wannabe anymore.

“Hi Kitty,” Kurt says shortly. He doesn’t really know what else to say.

“So, uhm, heard that you got yourself a brain injury,” Kitty says. Kurt scoffs at her tone of voice.

“My MRI results were clear: I do not have a brain injury.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s cool.”

This is awkward. It is even more awkward than that one time where Kurt taught Finn how to wash his balls. Thinking about Finn makes Kurt’s heart ache.

“Uhm, okay, hi,” Kitty sighs. It gives Kurt pleasure that it is just as awkward for her. Then he shakes his head again. Kurt logically knows that he’s being unfair towards her, since Kitty is clearly not the person she used to be, but it’s weird for Kurt to think that he and Kitty Wilde are friends.

“Hi.”

“I just, uhm, I want to say that I am sorry,” Kitty says and Kurt’s taken aback. He did not expect an apology, especially not from Kitty Wilde. “I know that this is weird, so I am aware that you think of me as a crazy bitch and I was a crazy bitch. So, I just want to clear the air: I am sorry for the way I’ve treated you back in high school.”

Kurt doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything.

“I gotta say that it’s weird for me to say this to you, since we’ve had this conversation ages ago, but I guess this is even weirder for you.”

“You don’t say,” Kurt grumbles.

“I just hope that I can proof to you that we can be great friends. I’ve done it before, so I can definitely do it again.”

“How exactly did we become friends?” Kurt bites out. He immediately covers his mouth with his spare hand. That was unnecessarily rude, he knows it, but it just happened. He’s about to apologise when Kitty answers.

“Oh, well, that is a long story. You honestly wouldn’t believe it.”

She’s right. Kurt already has problems believing it and she hasn’t even started yet.

“After high school, I took a gap year with the full intention to go to college after that gap year. Well, I didn’t end up at college, but I somehow ended up in New York. I moved to New York in 2015 and I needed a place to crash. You and Rachel were still living in that dead end loft of yours, so you took me in. After all, Santana had already left by that moment.”

“Rachel and I took you in?” Kurt asks incredulously.

“I know it might sound shocking to you, but by that time, our hostility level had already been lowered. I can’t say that you liked me, because you definitely didn’t, but you tolerated me and the feeling was mutual. In fact, you kicked me out after just half a year! That was the best choice ever. We clearly were terrible roommates, but we slowly became friends.”

It is still hard to believe it and Kitty’s talking vaguely, but she’s calling him. She must care for him.

So Kurt sets his pride aside and he shocks her by asking: “Would you like to meet up? Grab some coffee and catch up?”

There small stunned silence gets broken by Kitty.

“I-I’d love to,” she sounds choked up.

“Alright. That might be nice.”

“Yeah. Do you also want to meet my boyfriend Roderick, or is that too much to handle?”

“Do I like Roderick?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Does Roderick like me?”

“Well, to this day, you’re his favourite teacher, so-”

_“I’m his favourite what?”_

* * *

Meeting Kitty (again) is only the beginning. A few days after the phone call, Blaine invites some of their friends over for dinner. They’re all unfamiliar to Kurt.

Before they arrive, Blaine gives a small rundown.

“Wes is my best friend since high school. Mae is his girlfriend of four years. Sebastian and I also go way back, and not in a good way, but we’ve talked it out. He’s been dating Adam for five years or so. Adam is coincidentally your ex-boyfriend.”

Kurt gapes at Blaine. He’s known that Blaine’s not technically his first boyfriend, but he didn’t expect his ex to still be in their lives.

“How did we end up being friends with my ex-boyfriend and his new boyfriend?”

“It’s a weird story and I am pretty sure that they’ll tell you later today. After all, Adam can’t shut up about it.”

Kurt is stunned into silence, but he still helps Blaine with setting the table. The two of them have cooked pasta pesto and the others are bringing food as well. It’s going to be a fun potluck filled with people that Kurt does not remember.

Well, the coffee date with Kitty ended up being nice. Her boyfriend did not join them, since Kurt’s not ready for that, but it was okay. Weird, but okay.

Kurt has no reason to dislike these people, and even if he did, he doesn’t remember it.

The doorbell rings and Blaine goes to greet them. Kurt waits in the kitchen and he has his back turned towards the door. He takes a deep breath and counts to ten. He can do it. These people are completely unfamiliar to him, so it’s different from the New Directions or his family.

“Heya, Kurt!”

Kurt takes another deep breath and he turns around. There’s a tall, brown-haired man who a weird smirk on his face. It makes Kurt think of a meerkat. He holds a bowl with food. Another man’s arm is hooked into his. He’s shorter than meerkat-face and he has blond, slightly curly hair. He looks older than everyone else in the room.

One of these guys is Kurt’s ex.

Behind them, an Asian guy with glasses is hugging Blaine tightly. A woman is watching them with an amused look on her face. She is also holding food. Her long, brown hair has been tied into a neat bun and Kurt loves her outfit. 2027 fashion is not necessarily Kurt’s taste, but she makes it look good.

“Kurt, nice to meet you again,” meerkat-face says kindly, “I’m Sebastian and this is Adam.”

“I’m capable of introducing myself, Seb,” Adam says playfully and oh, he’s British. Kurt also realises that the older guy is his ex.

“I’m Mae, where can I put this?” the woman, Mae, says and she holds up the food.

“Uh, kitchen?” Kurt answers and Mae nods. She moves past him. She clearly knows her way around the apartment.

“Oh, Kurt, you’re not going to be ready for this,” the other man, probably Wes, skips the introduction, “Mae has made chebu jën. You’ve probably forgotten the taste, so get ready to be amazed!”

“Chebu- what?”

Mae returns from the kitchen. “Don’t listen to him. He’s overexaggerating. It is my mother’s recipe and I cannot do her justice.”

“Mae’s mother is originally from Senegal, so Mae grew up with Senegalese cuisine,” Blaine says when he sees the confused look on Kurt’s face. Kurt instinctively moves closer to Blaine to hold him. He needs it. “Trust me, it’s good. You love it. It is definitely better than the food from her father’s side.”

“Hang on, I can appreciate some Dutch hutspot with hachée,” Adam says indignantly.

“Yes, but you’re from England,” Sebastian says playfully, “You’re known for your poor taste.”

“Be nice! I only allow kindness under my roof,” Blaine sing-songs.

“Of course,” Wes punches him in the shoulder.

Sebastian also puts the bowl with food (salad, apparently) in the kitchen and Adam reveals a bottle of wine from under his coat. Blaine frees himself from Kurt’s grip and takes everyone’s coats and Mae effortlessly starts roaming around the apartment to dim the lights for atmosphere and to put on music.

Now, Kurt’s gotten used to his apartment, but these people walk around so carelessly, they definitely beat him. They probably feel more at home here than him. They are also very comfortable around each other.

“Ugh, Mimi has a terrible taste in music,” Mae says as she scrolls through the collection of digitally-owned music on Blaine’s phone. Yup, she’s definitely comfortable with Blaine, since Blaine only allows a select group of people access to his phone. Not even Rachel can access it.

“Mimi doesn’t have a consciousness. You think Blaine has a terrible taste,” Kurt says. He’s also still not used to the AI’s everywhere.

“Well, that is true.”

Mae turns back to the music and Kurt’s phone buzzes in his pocket. Time to tap his nose three times. He’s been doing it for a while now, and it makes Kurt feel good. It’s a bit reassuring. Mae sees him tapping, but she doesn’t seem to care that much.

Blaine comes back from storing the coats and Kurt immediately moves towards him to take Blaine’s hand.

Blaine squeezes it.

“You’re going to be fine. They love you.”

_No memories. No pretences. No expectations._

He can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Kurt gets to know two of his guests a little bit better.


	9. Interrupt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, yeah, there’s a balcony.

**INTERRUPT**

Kurt’s sitting outside on their small balcony. Inside, his guests are all having fun, but he excused himself. So far, the evening has been great. Kurt wishes that he could say that there’s an instant connection, or that he remembers some things, but neither are true. Nevertheless, he’s enjoying himself and he likes his guests.

It’s just a bit too much, so he needed some fresh air. He’s nursing a glass of red wine and he is enjoying the terribly polluted New York air.

The door slides open and to Kurt’s surprise, Mae is looking at him. He’d expected Blaine, not Mae.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asks.

“No, come join me and listen to the sound of cars.”

Mae chuckles and she raises her own glass. The balcony isn’t very big, but it’s big enough for two small chairs. Mae sits down on the other one. “How are you? It got kind of loud inside. I don’t think we’ve spoken.”

“Ever,” Kurt adds.

Mae nods solemnly. “That is true for you.”

“I’m fine,” Kurt says honestly. He is fine, truly. He’s enjoying himself and his guests are very nice. It just feels a bit too formal. He’s sitting on his balcony, which is part of a fancy New York apartment, drinking red wine and mingling with others.

“You’re fine,” Mae nods, “But?”

“This is a bit grown-up for me. Dinner parties with potlucks and fancy bottles of expensive wine. The last time I hung out with a group of friends, we all got hammered after a night of clubbing.”

“Sounds like Santana,” Mae says.

“You know her?” Kurt asks, surprised. He knows that Brittany and Santana have left New York a few years ago.

“Not really, but I’ve seen her a couple of times at parties. She’s fun. So, you feel like you’re missing out on your stereotypical college experience by having dinners with friends?”

When she puts it like that, it sounds like of stupid. Most people regret the crazy shit that they did during college. Kurt’s just never experienced it.

“You must’ve heard of the idea that people have to grow up fast? After my mom died, my dad tried his best, but I did feel like I had to grow up faster. My dad still gave me enough room to be a teen, but it was different. I thought that back then that I had to grow up fast, but no, I went to sleep as an nineteen year old, and bam, I wake up and I am thirty-four.”

“No one is stopping you from going out and getting hammered, although I truly do not recommend that, especially since Blaine doesn’t drink. And you’re still fun! Adulthood doesn’t mean that you can’t get crazy and have fun. I know you’re nineteen, so your thirties sound like a weird, boring, adult period, but it doesn’t have to be. It isn’t. We have loads of fun, some even ‘less formal’ than this.”

Kurt doesn’t say anything. Instead he sips his fancy wine and he watches the lights of New York City.

“I know that you’ve lost your racy young adult period of your life,” Mae says and Kurt snorts at the ‘racy’ part, “But you’re never too old to have fun. Honestly, I am having more fun now than when I was a college kid.”

“It’s just going so fast out of nowhere. I don’t know how to deal with it,” Kurt says and he clutches his glass of wine to prevent himself from trembling, “I am apparently getting married in a few months.”

“Blaine wouldn’t force you,” Mae points out.

“Of course, you know about the wedding.”

“I am your bridesmaid,” Mae tells him, “So yes, I do know. We love - or we used to love - talking about weddings, since you’re definitely planning mine.”

Kurt tries to find a ring on Mae’s left hand, but there’s nothing there.

“You’re getting married?” Kurt asks and Mae puts a finger on her lips.

“I’m going to propose to Wes soon. Maybe around Christmas, I don’t know yet. You’re the only person I’ve told and you were supposed to go ring shopping with me last week.”

“That is amazing!” Kurt exclaims. Mae pretends to bow. “Why me, though? I know we’re friends, but why me instead of Blaine?”

Mae looks over her shoulder. Inside, Wes is talking animatedly to the others and Mae has a fond look on her face.

“It was December, 2023. I was walking around Central Park with some friends when suddenly some guy bumped into me and we both fell on the ground. This guy was Wes. You and Blaine were watching from the side and according to Blaine, you both saw us fall in love. Apparently, you were the one who told Wes to get over himself and ask me out. I’m certain that we would’ve dated without your help, but you definitely pushed us towards each other.”

“That sounds nice,” Kurt says and he wishes he could remember it. He takes Mae’s hand and Mae looks up in surprise. “If you’d let me, we can still go ring shopping together.”

“I don’t want to overwhelm you! You just found out that you’re engaged, so I don’t want to push my own soon-to-be-engagement in your face.”

“You’re too late, Mae. I am already far too overwhelmed, but I think we can be friends again.” Kurt means it. Kurt can’t remember Mae, or Sebastian, or even Adam. There are no past pretences here. There’s no bad blood. And again, if there is, then Kurt doesn’t remember it.

It doesn’t make it okay. Kurt still longs for his memories, but he can do this. They can do it.

“Okay. Yes, yes! Let’s do it!”

* * *

Adam is next.

Kurt and Mae had gone back inside and the evening had continued. Eventually, they all ended up in their living room and Sebastian jokingly demands desert.

“You can have a peanut butter cookie from the Pret across the street,” Adam says.

“I’ll take it, babe!” Sebastian kisses Adam’s shoulder.

“A chocolate chip for me!” Mae chimes in and Blaine seems to agree with her.

Everyone turns to Kurt for his order. “Uh, I am unfamiliar with the menu?”

“You can come with,” Adam says casually – too casually, “They have a huge vegan cookie assortment. It started two years ago, or so, and it just kept growing.”

“There’s even a broccoli flavoured one. It is as gross as it sounds,” Blaine says.

“Rude, broccoli is OP!” Wes yells out and Mae scrunches up her face.

“Who says OP in 2027? Wes, dear, grow up!”

The couple is bickering playfully, but Adam is staring at Kurt. He has a welcoming look on his face.

It’s not even supposed to feel this awkward. Adam is clearly totally in love with Sebastian and Kurt can’t even remember dating him, so Kurt pushes his uneasy feeling aside and he nods.

The others are still bickering about cooking flavours (Sebastian and Blaine have joined in) when Kurt and Adam leave. The shop Pret A Manger is literally across the road. Kurt’s seen it several times, but the brand is unfamiliar to him, so he never bothered.

“It’s originally from the UK. I think the first store opened in Chelsea around a decade ago, but then it bought Subway and now it’s everywhere,” Adam explains when Kurt asks about it.

“So, you feel quite at home.”

“What?”

“You know, with it being from the UK.”

Adam looks startled for a second, but then he barks out a laugh. Kurt smiles as well. Maybe this isn’t going to be that bad.

“Oh, wow! You made that joke on our second date. It wasn’t funny then and it still isn’t funny now.”

Kurt’s smile falters. Never mind.

Adam senses the change of atmosphere. “Blaine- He did tell you that we used to date, right?” he asks, alarmed.

“No, no, he did! I just never expected- how did we- did we have a mild break-up, or why are we able to be so okay with each other?”

“We did not have a mild break-up. In fact, you shattered my heart in thousand pieces-” Kurt gulps “-but we’re fine and we’re friends. Same way your incestuous glee club members can still be friends with their exes."

Adam holds the door open and Kurt feels a bit awkward. Kurt shattered Adam’s heart into thousand pieces?

“We were serious?”

“Dead serious,” Adam says and Kurt follows him to one of those digital order screens.

“Then, isn’t this weird for you?” Kurt gestures between the two of them.

Adam taps the screen and sighs. “Kurt, I’m over it. It’s been eight years and I am deeply, madly in love with Sebastian. Sure, it was weird in the beginning when my boyfriend introduced me to your boyfriend, but we’re fine. When you broke up, you told me that we ‘were probably better of as friends’, and you were right. Is this weird for you? I mean, I wasn’t really expecting it to be weird for you, since you don’t remember us being together. Is it weird?”

Adam holds his Apple watch against the El-Pay payment spot and the two of them join in line.

“Kind of, but not because I remember us, but because I never expected to be so friendly towards an ex. Then again, in my eyes, I’ve never had a boyfriend before Blaine, so I wouldn’t know.”

“That’s fair. But hey, if Blaine and Sebastian can be friends, so can we!”

Their cookies are ready and they are ready to make the short trip back home. Kurt decides that he wants to know more, so he asks Adam if they can make an extra round around the block.

“It is easier to meet you and Sebastian and Mae and Wes. Like you said, I don’t know you. It’s easier in some ways to meet you guys than to meet my friends from high school again. Not knowing our history does make me feel a little bit uneasy.”

“Do you want me to fill in the blanks?” Adam asks.

Kurt doesn’t really have to think about it. He wants to know more, so he nods.

“We met at NYADA. You asked me out.”

Kurt’s eyes widen. Kurt asked him out?

“We dated briefly, but it didn’t really work out. Fast forward two years, to 2015, and we just happened to walk into each other in the Village and we reconnected. You had just broken up with this other guy and I was pathetically single as well, so we started dating again. We were in love, truly. I think many expected us to get married and have babies.”

Kurt does not want to think of marriage at all.

“We’d even moved in together. You desperately wanted to leave that terrible loft, Kitty was already gone, and Rachel had moved in with Jesse.”

“Holy shit, we lived together?” Kurt asks in shock.

“Kurt, do you really think you lived in that place for years? You had no walls. Kitty and Rachel certainly did not appreciate it.”

Kurt nods awkwardly. He knows what Adam is implying and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. So, he puts the topic back on track.

“Wow, we truly were serious. What changed?”

“Blaine arrived in the city.”

“Oh.”

He should’ve seen that coming.

“I watched the man who I loved fall in love with someone else. It still managed to last for two more years, but when you broke up with me to be with Blaine, we both knew it was a long time coming.”

“Did I cheat on you?” Kurt interrupts.

“Oh no!” Adam reassures quickly, “The reason you broke up with me was because you did not want to cheat. You’ve always been so awfully noble, Kurt Hummel. You wanted to do it the right way. I mean, it was a genuinely messy and terrible break-up, despite it being predictable. Stuff was thrown, words were said, there was a lot of crying and you left the apartment without taking your stuff. Kitty came to pick it up later.”

“Why was it so predictable, yet so messy?”

Adam shrugs half-heartedly. “I did not want to let go. My mind knew that you were in love with Blaine, but my heart did not accept. Again, words were said. Words that I later regretted, but they were said and I think it’s best if I don’t repeat them. So we screamed, we cried, we fought and you left. I thought I’d never see you again and after a while, I accepted it. I was in love with you and to the core, love means that you want the other to be happy.”

Kurt studies Adam’s face for a sign of heartbreak or agony, but it isn’t there. Adam has a more melancholic look on his face, but he doesn’t seem bitter.

“So you moved on,” Kurt states. It’s not a question, it’s a matter of fact.

Adam nods. “I did. I fell out of love with you, went back to school, and fell in love with this pathetic asshole in my class.”

“You went back to NYADA?”

Adam has a weird look on his face, as if Kurt’s asking something ridiculous.

“Not everyone can be on Broadway by their thirties, Kurt. I reschooled and I decided to study business and administration. That’s how we met again. Sebastian majored in communications and PR. He and Blaine ran into each other again and they talked it out, so when Blaine’s music career was taking off, he enlisted Sebastian. Sebastian dragged me along. You should’ve seen the look on Blaine’s face when Sebastian introduced me as ‘my boyfriend, Adam, who’s the best administrator ever and he also has a great ass’.”

Kurt barks out a laugh. He only just met Sebastian, but that does sound like him.

“It must’ve been really awkward.”

“Oh, definitely! We started a-” Adam coughs “- _professional_ relation, but we all became friends. When it became clear that the two of us were better of with Blaine and Sebastian, it all went well. Our friendship between the four of us is based on mutual trust and that’s really helped.”

“Hm,” is all that Kurt can say.

He likes Adam, but probably as a friend only. The two of them make their way back to Kurt and Blaine’s apartment and Adam’s talking about how their break-up has become an inside joke in the group and Kurt feels content.

It’s the same feeling that he got with Mae. He’d like to remember this weird story on his own, but for now, he’s fine with the idea of becoming friends all over again.

They arrive back home and Sebastian hurls himself across the room to get his cookie. Everyone laughs and Kurt sits down next to Blaine and he cuddles closer. Mae and Wes share their cookies and Adam is joking with Sebastian.

The connection isn’t there yet, but Kurt is sure it’ll be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Wes will have some bonding time with Kurt as well, but that’s another time.


	10. Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo, here it is, another Blaine POV! 
> 
> Also, I noticed a small error. The glee canon, except for Klaine-related stories, is intact in this story, so Kurt should’ve met Adam already before he lost his memories. I did not pick a specific episode to start my story, but in the first chapter, Kurt mentions that Rachel just broke up with Brody (4x17). By that time, he’s already dating Adam in season 4 (4x11).
> 
> Ah well. For the sake of storytelling, I moved Kurt and Adam’s relationship till after season 4 episode 17. I blame my lack of interest in season 4 for this mistake.

**JOY**

Blaine never thought he’d be in this position, but here he is. He’s happily dating his boyfriend (fiancé?), but his boyfriend just happens to have forgotten everything.

Blaine wakes up, he kisses his boyfriend, he writes some songs, he hangs out with friends, and he goes to sleep. It’s still all so normal, but Blaine feels like he’s faking it all.

He really likes being with Kurt. He’s always liked being with Kurt, and the amnesia doesn’t change it, but it still feels like Blaine’s put up some façade. It’s been a month and Blaine is still waiting for the moment the memories come back. Until then, Blaine feels like he is playing some kind of act.

There are certain moments that make Blaine think _oh, there he is_ , but then Kurt says something that is slightly odd, or Kurt acts in a way that is slightly different, and a new wave of disappointment hits Blaine.

Blaine doesn’t know this Kurt. This Kurt is more shallow and more sheltered and slightly judgemental. Blaine has heard of this Kurt several times, but mostly as a faint memory. Everyone’s changed since they left high school, but this Kurt is still at the very beginning. Blaine truly does not want to think of ‘his’ Kurt and ‘this’ Kurt as two different people, but sometimes his mind wanders.

Sometimes, dating Kurt can also be a bit suffocating. Kurt’s very hands-on and affectionate. He’s not settled into the relationship like Blaine. Kurt is still in the honeymoon stage of an early relationship.

Now, Blaine doesn’t complain. After all, he’s always been the more affectionate one in the relationship, and dating Kurt has been so comfortable for years. It just took some time for Blaine to re-re-adjust.

Despite that, it’s gotten better. Blaine no longer cries in the shower, only in the office, and it is nice to be able to flirt and kiss and hold Kurt again. Blaine still doesn’t really want to open up. The last big bomb was the wedding news, and Blaine figured that was enough for a while.

Besides, he’s still terrified. Kurt’s slowly easing back into this life. He regularly talks to Kitty, and apparently he and Mae must’ve hit it off at dinner, since Kurt and Mae went shopping.

(“It’s a surprise,” Kurt had said, as if the smitten look on Mae’s face hadn’t already revealed the secret. Blaine had to stop himself from telling her that Wes has bought his ring weeks ago.)

Blaine knows that under all that bravado, Kurt’s still incredibly scared, and the last he needs is Blaine freaking out as well.

* * *

“How is my third favourite son? I see you’re up early for once.”

Blaine rolls his eyes, which makes Burt laugh. There’s no shame in sleeping in when possible, and since Blaine’s his own boss, it is possible. His free time makes it possible for Blaine and Burt to video call.

Before the amnesia kicked in, Kurt would join them if possible, but lately Kurt hasn’t been feeling up to it. It is one of the many small changes that Blaine has to get used to.

“I got up early, because Kurt accidentally asked Lizzie to turn the music on. He didn’t realise Lizzie is also connected to the speakers in the living room.”

“Has he already figured out how to control the TV with Lizzie?” Burt laughs and Blaine shakes his head.

“Kurt is still figuring out how to use our TV with the normal remote. He discovers new features every day, but then again, smart TVs weren’t really a thing in 2012.”

“Oh man, it is surreal that I can teach Kurt how his AI is connected to his TV,” Burt says, “Remember when he taught me that? It took me ages to understand.”

“How the turns have tabled,” Blaine sighs sadly. Burt must’ve picked it up, since he drops his cheery smile and he frowns instead.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

There’s a lot to talk about. Luckily, Blaine is surrounded by people who are very willing to listen to him, including Burt, but Blaine does not have the time to dump all of his thoughts on Burt. After all, they’d promised to take it easy. Burt had some heart problems a year ago, and stress can trigger further problems.

Instead of sharing all the burdens, Blaine can only think of one, so he blurts out: “Should I have kept the wedding a secret?”

“Of course not, Blaine.”

“We don’t really talk about it,” Blaine admits, “He doesn’t want to think about it and I don’t want to push him.” There are more things they aren’t talking about, but their upcoming wedding is a big one. Blaine had expected an off-standish reaction, but now that it’s happening, he doesn’t know what to do.

It’s best to keep the other big secrets secret for now. Blaine isn’t going to tell him about Quinn and Rachel’s offer anytime soon.

“I have the feeling you guys don’t really talk about anything,” Burt says. There’s no judgement. Burt is just stating the obvious. “Blaine, how are you feeling?”

“Terrible, still. Angry most of the time. Sad when I can’t help it.”

“Maybe you should tell Kurt that,” Burt advises, but Blaine can already feel himself shaking his head. Kurt is slowly getting to know Blaine a little bit more. So far, he knows Blaine as the more confident and supporting one. Blaine does not want to change that.

Burt sees Blaine shaking his head, but he keeps his comments to himself. Instead, he starts talking about Thanksgiving plans and Blaine just plays along. That’s what they’ve all been doing for over a month now: playing a part.

“Bye, third favourite son, I have to go,” Burt says after a while.

“Bye favourite dad,” Blaine says back automatically. Burt’s face falls for a small second, and Blaine knows that Burt dislikes the strained relationship between Blaine and his own dad, but then they say their goodbyes and they end the call.

* * *

Kitty and Roderick are coming over for dinner. Kurt and Kitty have been hanging out for a while, and sometimes Rachel, Jesse and Blaine join them, but Kurt hasn’t really met Roderick yet. When Blaine had suggested a small dinner party with just the four of them, Kurt had grumbled something, but then he agreed.

Kitty and Roderick come over and they’re wearing matching bowling shirts. Kurt’s horrified when he sees it, but it fills Kitty’s face with joy.

“Good to see that your fashion choices haven’t changed, dear,” she says cheerfully.

“Well, yours certainly have,” Kurt says, appalled.

“It’s a joke, Kurt. Roderick used to wear loads of bowling shirts in high school, so sometimes we just wear them for fun. Speaking of Roderick…”

Roderick has grown a lot over the past decade. Blaine only met him ten years ago, but according to everyone else, Roderick was not always this confident, open and charming. Well, he puts his confidence, openness and charming nature to good use, since he manages to make Kurt smile immediately.

That, and Kurt doesn’t know him. For Kurt, this is their very first meeting. Kurt’s told Blaine that it was easier to meet Wes, Mae, Adam and Sebastian for that same reason. Still, Roderick’s kindness certainly helps and when he starts to sing along with one of the songs on Mimi’s playlist, Kurt is very impressed.

The evening goes well. Kitty and Roderick fill Kurt in on his internship at McKinley High as a glee club co-director. Blaine loves listening to the story, especially since Roderick sometimes slips up and still calls Kurt ‘Mr. Hummel’.

There’s a relaxed atmosphere, but Blaine still doesn’t fully feel at ease. He watches Kurt’s face for a trace of recognition, but there’s nothing. Blaine downs his drink when Roderick starts another story that should be a clear memory for Kurt, but it’s not.

“I’m going to get a refill,” Blaine holds up his glass and without waiting for anyone’s approval, he gets up to go to the kitchen. He chops some lime and he fills his glass with more tap water. At moments like this, he wonders if alcohol would soften the blow, but then he remembers that it doesn’t. That’s why he quit.

He doesn’t go back to the dining area. He empties his glass in one go.

“Damn, chug that lime water down, Anderson.”

Kitty smirks and Blaine flips her off.

“You need something?”

Kitty shrugs. “Kurt and Roderick are… well, they’re not catching up. They’re meeting. I’m really happy to see that Kurt and Roderick still hit it off, but it made me feel like a third wheel, so I decided to annoy you instead.”

“You are very good at being annoying, Wilde.”

Now Kitty flips him off.

“Besides, you were rather quiet at dinner," she then says.

Blaine looks away to refill his glass. He knows what Kitty is referring to, so he cuts straight to the point by saying: “It is happening to him, not to me.”

He does not feel the need to talk about why he’s feeling down, since Kitty clearly understands what is going on.

Kitty scoffs loudly.

“That is where you’re wrong. It _is_ happening to you. You’ve been left with this situation as well. Hell, it is happening to all of us and sure, our suffering is secondary to Kurt’s, but it’s still there.”

Blaine looks up from his glass to see that Kitty looks so incredibly angry, but not at Blaine. Blaine realises that Kitty is just as angry at the universe as Blaine is.

“Everything fucking sucks,” Blaine groans out.

Kitty barks out a laugh. “No shit, Anderson. Do you know how much it hurts to see the looks that Kurt shoots me? I don’t think he’s noticed, but sometimes, his face reflexively scrunches up when he sees me. Just the look of confusion and slight disgust, as if he can’t imagine that the two of us ever became friends. It doesn’t make any sense to him. I haven’t seen that look ever since I moved to New York. That’s why it’s so awkward for me to watch Kurt and Roderick immediately connect. Roderick makes sense to him, but I don’t.”

Blaine didn’t know that that was happening. Sure, Kurt’s a bit more closed off with Kitty than before the memory loss, but he didn’t know that Kurt doesn’t like her.

“I’m trying to prove that we’re actual friends. I’ve done so before, and I will do so again, but it does hurt to see how he just doesn’t believe it,” Kitty spits out, but then the angry frown drops and she just looks sad.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Kitty.”

“I’d almost say that you’re lucky that he doesn’t know you at all, but we both know that’s not the case,” Kitty sighs sadly, “Your situation is shitty for different reasons. I don’t know how you’re holding up. I would’ve broken down by now.”

“Trust me, Kitty, I have,” Blaine says pointedly, “But I have to be strong for Kurt. That is the thing that keeps me going. I have to be strong.”

He’s not convincing Kitty, but honestly, Blaine has problems convincing himself sometimes.

“I have to be strong,” he says again for extra emphasis.

Kitty looks at him with pity.

“No Blaine, you don’t have to be.”

* * *

Things can only go well for a certain amount of time before it all breaks apart.

It happens on a regular morning. Kurt is getting ready in the bathroom, since he is meeting Rachel for lunch. Blaine’s sitting in bed while scrolling through his Firmspring in the need for inspiration. He will have a small meeting with his team about the new album later in the day. Since he releases independently, he doesn’t have to worry too much about losing time.

Kurt is finished and he walks into the bedroom. Blaine looks up from his phone and- well, he almost drops it. Kurt looks as gorgeous as ever, but his hair is different.

Not bad different, but old different.

Kurt’s been parting his hair in a certain way for at least seven years, but now he’s styled it like he used to do it back when Kurt and Blaine first met.

It looks amazing, truly, but it still makes the air go thin.

“Your hair,” is all Blaine manages to say.

“Oh, you like it?” Kurt asks and he does a dramatic hair flip. There must be a lot of hairspray in his hair, since it stays perfectly intact like it used to do.

Blaine hates it.

“Why?” he asks.

Kurt looks a bit surprised by the reaction, but then he laughs as if Blaine’s made some corny joke. “Because I like it this way, dummy.”

“No you don’t,” Blaine blurts out before he can stop himself.

“It is my hair, Blaine,” Kurt rolls his eyes dramatically, “I think I know what I like, or are you saying that it isn’t my own hair?”

“It’s your hair,” Blaine agrees, but it’s not right. It doesn’t feel right. “But you don’t like it like that.”

Kurt has a bored look on his face, as if he’s tired of joking around. Blaine is not joking, though. “I think I can decide that for myself.”

“You haven’t liked that in years,” Blaine tells Kurt and oh god, Blaine knows it is just a way of styling your hair, but he needs Kurt to agree with him. He slowly gets out of bed just to stop Kurt from going out, looking like that.

Kurt’s starting to look younger. The other day, he even shaved. It’s growing back, since Kurt needs the stubble for Broadway, but it gave Blaine the same whiplash.

“Why do I even like my current hairstyle?” Kurt says incredulously, “It’s floppy and I think I parted it in a very weird way.”

“You got tired of the over-usage of hairspray, same with me and hairgel,” Blaine clarifies. He’s about to reach out to ruffle Kurt’s hair, just to make it go back to how it should be, but he stops himself when he sees the murderous look on Kurt’s face. At least he’s still very protective of his hair.

“Did I?” Kurt scoffs and he crosses his arms, “Because I don’t remember thinking that. _I_ like my hair this way. Blaine, you’re thinking of me as two different people.”

“I am not!” Blaine protests and he feels that his breathing is starting to become heavy. He’s trying very hard to not freak out, but watching Kurt doesn’t help. Kurt looks angry, as if he can’t believe that Blaine’s saying all of this.

“Oh really. If I am the same person, then I know what I like to do with my hair, even now,” Kurt says sharply. Blaine closes his eyes and he shakes his head. He knows he’s maybe being a bit unfair, but this doesn’t feel right.

This is not right.

“Y-You don’t know,” Blaine mutters.

“Am I the same person, or not Blaine?”

Blaine shakes his head again, but then he nods quickly, but then he finds himself shaking his head again. This feels so, so wrong and Kurt doesn’t even know why. He wants to tell Kurt that he looks fine, that everything is alright, but instead he feels himself losing it.

“Blaine, come on, answer me. You’ve been nothing but kind and accommodating to me over the past few weeks. I don’t understand why you’re suddenly making a big deal of it. It is just hair.”

Blaine opens his eyes and Kurt looks so angry at him, as if he can’t fully fathom why Blaine is acting this way. Blaine backs away till he hits the bedframe. And Blaine knows that’s not fully his fault. After all, Blaine’s been the one to keep it together just for the sake of Kurt.

But at one point, there must be a breaking point.

Blaine bursts out in tears and his legs go weak. He falls to the floor, but he manages to catch a glimpse of the shock on Kurt’s face. He buries his head in his hands, so that he doesn’t have to see Kurt, and he cries. He’s been crying a lot lately, but he hasn’t cried this much in ages.

“Oh shit,” he hears Kurt mutter.

Blaine still doesn’t want to see Kurt, since he can’t stand the look on his face, knowing that Blaine put it there, but Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine. Sobs wrack his body, but Kurt’s holding him tightly and he’s spewing reassuring nonsense.

It’s making things worse, to be honest.

Blaine would rather cry in the comfort of his own- well, home doesn’t really fit here, but he’d rather go to the office and hide away for now. He cries even harder, and his breathing gets even worse, but every time he tries to calm himself, it gets somehow worse. Oh God, Kurt’s gonna think he’s weak and he’s going to hate him and he’s going to leave him after all, especially since the memories will not come back and-

But then, Kurt puts his hands on Blaine’s shoulders and he steadies him against the bed. “Okay, Blaine, breathe with me, okay? Can you do that for me? In. Out. One, two, three.”

Blaine tries to follow his lead, but he fails.

“It’s okay. Let’s try it again. In. Out. One, two, three. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

It takes a couple of tries, and the embarrassment does not die away immediately, but after a solid ten minutes, Blaine let’s out a long breath. He dares to open his eyes and Kurt’s looking at him with a worried look on his face. The sight of the worry on his face almost makes Blaine spiral all over again, but Kurt immediately says: “It’s all alright. I am here, you doofus.”

Kurt moves his hands from Blaine’s shoulders to Blaine’s face.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Blaine Anderson,” Kurt says sternly. Then, the look on his face softens and he says: “I’ll wear my hair differently, if that makes you feel better.”

Blaine wants to agree, but he shakes his head. This is not only about that stupid hairstyle. This is much more.

“I-I have, uhm, I have not been dealing very well with the whole memory loss thing,” Blaine admits quietly and he laughs in a self-deprecating way. Kurt does not laugh.

“No shit, Blaine,” he says instead. Kurt takes one of Blaine’s hands and he puts it over Blaine’s heart. “You can’t bottle it all up in here. Why didn’t you tell me you were not doing fine?”

“I didn’t want to w-worry you,” Blaine says and his breath still hitches, but it’s more controlled now.

“Oh God, Blaine. You’re in this situation as well and, fuck, I’m sorry I didn’t notice that you were… _I’m_ sorry,” Kurt says and he leans down to kiss Blaine’s forehead, “I didn’t notice. I’m sorry.”

“To be fair, I didn’t let you in and you don’t remember me, so you couldn’t have known that I am a mess. I, uhm, told you that I am not…”

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not that great,” Blaine says half-heartedly, “I don’t like- I mean, I have to be strong and I… I have to be strong. I’m sorry I’m not strong when I have to be.”

 _No, Blaine, you don’t have to be._ Kitty’s words echo through his head. If only he could believe her.

Kurt sits next to Blaine against the bed. He looks tired. “How about we stop apologising to each other. We’re both stuck in this situation against our wishes. Instead, we should just be upfront about these things.”

“Easier said than done,” Blaine blurts out. And in that moment, Blaine almost wants to laugh when he realises what he’s done. He’s been so focused on how Kurt’s gone back to his younger self – literally – that he’s ignored the fact that he’s doing the same thing.

Blaine’s always wanted to put Kurt’s needs in front of his own. It took him a long while to realise how unhealthy that can be and yet, here he is again. Just like Kurt, he’s fallen back into old habits.

“What are you thinking about?” Kurt asks.

Blaine looks at Kurt. He’s still embarrassed and he still wants to retreat back to the office, but Kurt’s right. This isn’t helping anyone. He’s tired and he does not want to explain all of his thoughts to Kurt right now, so for now, he answers: “About how stupid we are.”

Soon, when he’s less tired, he will tell Kurt the full story, _truly_ , but now Kurt snorts in disbelief and that is enough.

* * *

Kurt cancels his lunch with Rachel and Blaine cancels his meeting with his team. Instead, the two of them snuggle on the couch while watching Netflix.

There’s something on Blaine’s mind, though. He nudges against Kurt.

“Hey Kurt, I didn’t know you had any experience with panic attacks.”

Kurt blinks a couple of times in confusion. “I… haven’t.”

“Then how did you know what to do?” Blaine asks.

“I don’t know,” Kurt admits, and he sounds very confused. Blaine smiles sadly.

“Because I taught you that.”

* * *

It feels like it’s the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Kurt slowly starts to remember small things without him noticing. He will mention something that he can’t remember learning or knowing. He uses Blaine’s middle name, he mentions their favourite coffee shop, he asks how Blaine’s mother is doing in Cebu. Truly, most of the time Kurt doesn’t even notice that he’s done something extraordinary until Blaine tells him. Every time Kurt admits that he doesn’t exactly know what he’s saying, a new wave of disappointment hits Blaine, but there’s also some lingering hope.

It isn’t a big climatic cinematic moment where all the memories flood back in an instant, and Kurt jumps into Blaine’s arms with joy.

But it’s something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason this chapter became longer than 3K+ is because I added the Kitty/Roderick part last minute. I had written the conversation between Kitty and Blaine a long time ago with the intention of adding it to a later episode.
> 
> … [But then I saw Noah Guthrie in concert on the 19th](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxbhXBhYRSO8%26feature%3Dyoutu.be&t=NmU2YzliYzUxMWM2OGM3ZWRhNzhjZmQ3OTE0NWE0ZDljM2QzZWQ4MSxxekJhVFhveg%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189796883748%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1024&m=0) and it completely reawakened my love for Roderick Meeks so I decided to shoehorn him into the story way earlier than planned.


	11. Kinship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas Eve!
> 
> Prepare for a word vomit, because I just want to thank the people behind this year’s advent for organising it. I am so happy that even now, 4 years after glee ended, we still have the community of Klaine fic writers and readers. I also want to thank the people behind the Glee Potluck Big Bang and their Drabble December. I personally didn’t incorporate their prompts into their story, but we cannot overlook the GPBB while talking about fanfiction.
> 
> The Klaine Advent has officially come to an end, but not for me. Today, I present you with a double update, so it’s quite funny that I’m exactly halfway on the 24th. I hope you enjoy these two chapters. There’s a time jump of a few weeks and Kurt’s back in Lima to see his dad.
> 
> One last note: please take the neuroscientific stuff with a grain of salt. I Googled amnesia and I even read some articles of scientific journals, but science is useless if you don’t understand it. I’ve added the references in the end notes in case you do understand neuroscientific talk and you’re interested.

**KINSHIP**

Kurt and his dad have never truly lost touch. Even now, Kurt speaks to his dad weekly. They mostly text, since that’s the main form of communication these days, but they also call.

Kurt just hasn’t seen his father yet.

He’s refused his father’s requests for video calling. He doesn’t want Blaine to put the photos of his family members back up. He’s been completely ignoring it.

Kurt still finds it difficult to see his own reflection in the mirror, so he certainly isn’t ready to see his dad’s. He’s not ready to see how blatantly his dad has aged. Same goes for Carole, who is probably sprouting grey hairs by now.

Blaine keeps encouraging Kurt to see them and Kurt keeps finding excuses, until he doesn’t. His dad wants him home for Thanksgiving. Just him. Blaine agrees that it’s a good idea that he stays behind in the city.

The day before his flight, Kurt’s shaking in front of his mother’s dresser and Blaine’s holding him. Kurt knows that he can’t escape the fact that he’s lost his memories. Even with some small things resurfacing, it’s still not enough. He hasn’t been able to escape it for weeks, but it was nice to pretend that his dad was still his dad.

* * *

He flies home with Sebastian and Adam, who are visiting Sebastian’s family for Thanksgiving, but they part at the airport. Kurt has to go back to Lima. To him, he hasn’t been back to Lima since he moved to New York. He stayed at home during Thanksgiving and his dad came to visit him in New York for Christmas where he dropped the prostate cancer bomb.

In the midst of all the crazy, Kurt had completely forgotten about it, and no one brought it up again, since it’s in the past for everyone else. That has been happening a lot, so Kurt just has to adjust to taking some things for granted. Kurt can’t believe that _his dad’s cancer_ became an insignificant thought.

Well, he supposes he’s grateful that he can’t remember all the stress. When Kurt had asked his dad about it over the phone, Burt had laughed (“Oh yeah, that happened.”) so it’s clear that he’s completely recovered.

So Kurt’s back in Lima. Technically, the last time he was home was fifteen years ago. Lima isn’t ugly. It will never match New York or any big city, but it’s definitely gotten better and more modern.

Of course, there are tracking wires everywhere. Kurt isn’t going rogue for once, because he has his phone with him, and it makes him anxious. It’s easy to tell someone to ‘just go rogue’, but the truth is that 2027’s society has completely embraced the new tech, so without the tech, Kurt’s limited. He needs his phone to find the condo in the suburbs and his Springo for public transport and payment.

Kurt doesn’t like to admit it, but Lima is still home. Right now, he just doesn’t know where to find it. His dad had offered to pick him up, but Kurt declined. He’d like to postpone their inevitable meeting.

Since he can’t ask his bus driver to go the long way round, Kurt has to face his father earlier than anticipated. He arrives at the small condo in the suburbs and he has the sad realisation that the home in Lima is long gone.

Maybe Kurt’s wrong. Maybe Lima isn’t home anymore. The moment Kurt moved into the loft, he knew it was going to happen one day, but he expected it to happen under different circumstances.

He rings the bell and his dad immediately opens the door, as if he’s been waiting at the door.

His dad is older, as expected. There are no grey hairs, since he’s bald, but the number of wrinkles has increased and to Kurt’s sadness, there’s a cane in his father’s hand.

That cane falls to the ground when Burt hugs Kurt tightly. The hugs still feel the same and for a second, Kurt forgets the sadness and he leans into his father’s embrace.

“Welcome home, kiddo,” his dad sounds happy.

 _I’m not home,_ Kurt thinks, so he just nods and he follows his dad inside. The condo is well decorated and it’s definitely Carole’s doing, since his dad is unable to do this on his own.

Or maybe…

Kurt stops in the doorframe of the living room. The dark teal shades on the wall is something he would choose and he knows that he’s picked it, probably with the help of Carole. These small things have been happening a lot lately, and it really messes with Kurt’s head.

“Kurt, darling!” he hears and he sees Carole walking towards him with open arms. Seeing Carole is like a punch to the gut. Her dark brown hair has gone grey and she’s wearing glasses and some sort of cast around her wrist. She’s not limping like his dad. On the contrary, she moves quickly and she pulls Kurt into a hug before he has time to say anything.

“Hello Carole, you look great,” he says, but Carole just laughs.

“You always say that, Kurt, I just got old,” she jokes, but then she realises what she must’ve said and her face falls, “I mean- I did get old and I, uh, well…”

Kurt shrugs. He already feels out of place in this unfamiliar condo. The last thing he needs is an awkward atmosphere, so he says: “Still, you look great. I just look young.”

He does a dramatic hair flip to show off his styled quiff. He’s also shaved again. Broadway will have to wait.

“Oh Kurt, I am so glad you’re here,” Carole says, sounding more relaxed, “Finally someone who appreciates Thanksgiving cuisine as much as I do.”

“What’s wrong with getting some microwaved turkey?” his dad asks and both Kurt and Carole start protesting at the audacity of that comment. Maybe it will all be okay.

* * *

The next morning, his dad is already having breakfast by the time Kurt comes down. He’s slept in the guestroom, since this condo does not have his own room. He wonders what happened to all his stuff.

Kurt hasn’t slept very well. Everything is too unfamiliar and he couldn’t wipe his mother’s dresser, since that’s still in New York. At least he can still tap his nose, but it’s not enough. Right now, he is in the desperate need for coffee.

“Morning, kid,” his dad grumbles.

“You’re up early.”

“Not everyone is like your fiancé. Some people are morning people.”

Kurt snorts. Blaine is indeed a pain in the ass in the morning, especially before he’s had his first coffee.

“He truly is a night owl,” Kurt says and his dad nods knowingly. It is a surreal conversation for Kurt. Of course he knows that his dad knows Blaine and judging by the way he talks about Blaine, he likes him. Blaine also seems to adore Burt.

So logically, this conversation isn’t very weird at all, but to Kurt, Blaine is his first boyfriend.

Oh wow, his dad probably knows his boyfriend - _fiancé_ , Kurt reminds himself - better than Kurt does.

“You really like Blaine, don’t you?” Kurt says while he makes a pot of coffee.

“What is not to like, Kurt? He’s nice, he’s kind, he loves you and cares for you. He’s a great man,” his dad answers easily.

“Of course,” Kurt also grabs some yogurt and he joins his dad at the breakfast table. His dad unlocks a tablet to read the news, since paper newspapers are a thing ‘from the past’, but every now and then, he looks over to Kurt.

Kurt sighs. “It’s okay dad, you can ask.”

“Just wondering how the amnesia is going, kid. Yesterday was very nice, but we both know that it was all a bit too polite.”

His dad is right, of course. They had a really nice evening, but the conversations were very shallow and there were some awkward moments where Kurt, Burt and Carole realised that they do not all have the same knowledge. Apparently, Kurt’s aunt Mildred has died in 2017, so when Kurt asked about her, it fell silent.

“What can I say, dad? The memories are still gone.”

“Really? There’s absolutely nothing?”

Kurt takes a sip of his coffee, so that he can avoid talking about it. His dad doesn’t know about the recent developments and Kurt wants to tell him, but he also doesn’t want his dad to have false hope. Kurt knows that he subconsciously has started remembering some things. He would say something or do something, and then Blaine’s entire face would light up.

And then Kurt would become confused, and Blaine would realise that Kurt cannot remember remembering it, and his face would fall.

Yet, he wants to tell his dad.

“Dad, promise me not to think too much of this, okay?”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to think that everything will be fine and that my memories are back.”

“Kurt, what are you talking about?”

“But sometimes, I do remember something.”

And as expected, his dad gets a hopeful look on his face. Kurt hates it.

“I’m not exactly remembering things. Things just feel familiar to me and I can’t remember why. I don’t remember doing it, but I just remember or know that I’ve done it. Does that make sense?”

“Is it like a déjà vu?” his dad asks. He still looks hopeful, but not as much anymore now that he knows it’s not as simple as it sounds. Kurt knew it was coming, but it still makes him feel uneasy.

This is why he hasn’t told anyone else, like Kitty or Rachel or Mae. He can’t bear seeing the disappointment on Blaine’s face and he also won’t be able to bear the disappointment on his dad’s face, but Blaine and his dad are inarguably the most important people in his life. Is it weird to say that he feels a very strong kinship? Probably, but that is how Kurt feels.

Even though he’s only known Blaine for three months, Blaine feels like home.

“I don’t know. Kind of? I don’t have flashbacks or concrete memories or anything, dad. I truly have never been here before,” Kurt makes some hand motions, so that his dad knows that he’s referring to the condo, “But it’s more like I just _know_. Did I pick the teal shade for the walls, dad?”

His dad nods solemnly.

“That’s what I mean, dad. I can’t remember doing it, but I _know_ that I’ve picked it with Carole. That’s all it is. I just know. I don’t know, dad, but that’s how I can describe it best. I’m sorry I can’t say more.”

His dad looks away and he balls his fist. He doesn’t immediately tell Kurt to not apologise, that he can’t help it, and that there’s nothing wrong. Instead, he breathes in and out. And again.

Kurt reaches out to touch is dad’s hand.

“It’s fine,” his dad eventually says, “It’s- It’s something.”

“That’s what Blaine said.”

His dad does another breathing exercise. Kurt obviously can’t remember everything, since his memories haven’t fully come back, so he doesn’t know why his dad knows all these techniques. Did Kurt teach him? Did Blaine?

Kurt gives his dad time to fully process it.

“Please don’t tell Carole yet. I don’t want her-”

“-to feel disappointed?” his dad finishes.

Kurt nods.

“Alright. I won’t tell her,” his dad promises, “But what does this mean?”

“We don’t know,” Kurt says and once again, the disappointment on his dad’s face is evident, “We’ve started talking with the hospital again. They referred us to some neuroscientists who specialise in different kinds of amnesia, since this is too difficult for the doctors at the hospital.”

“Why is this too difficult? Shouldn’t there be high-brow neuroscientists at the hospital?”

Kurt wishes he could understand as well. All he knows is that his amnesia is not ‘normal’ amnesia. He has no history of brain damage, he has no drug history, there’s no psychic traumatic past, there is no illness… Kurt is in absolute perfect health. Everything is great, except for the memory loss.

“There is this thing called retrograde amnesia, which basically means that I’ve lost my memories up until a certain point,” Kurt tries to explain, but it’s going to be difficult, since he barely understands it himself, “There have been neuroscientific studies about retrograde amnesia without direct brain damage, and neuroscience has come a long way, but many are still grasping in the dark. There’s also dissociative amnesia or something. They call it autobiographical, since I cannot remember my own life. I mean, I think that is what autobiographical amnesia means.”

“What can you do about it?”

“Occupational or cognitive theory have been discussed, but since we can’t really find the core of the problem, we can’t really treat it. Besides, reminder treatment doesn’t seem to work at all. Most people recover from retrograde amnesia through spontaneous recovery. We just have to wait. It sucks.”

“So you being here… it isn’t going to trigger any memories?”

Kurt nods, but then he turns to look at the teal shade wall. His dad follows his look.

“But you remember the teal shade wall,” his dad sounds confused.

“Like I told you, I don’t exactly remember things. I just know things. For example, I know that Blaine’s favourite sauce for a barbecue is garlic, but we haven’t actually grilled anything since we can’t fit a grill on our balcony. I don’t remember him liking it, but I know it. It's little things like that. And it messes with my head, dad, it really freaks me out.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Kurt.”

“Sometimes, I don’t even realise that I know something that I can’t remember,” Kurt says and he thinks back to the few times he figured it out by reading Blaine’s facial expression, “I don’t know what’s real or not. When I saw the teal shade, I knew I picked it, but I couldn’t know for sure till I asked you a few minutes ago.”

“And the neuroscientists don’t understand it either?”

Kurt laughs bitterly. “As far as I know, I am completely defying all the laws of neurology. I am creating a new research branch.”

“I see.”

The two of them eat their breakfast in silence, although Kurt doesn’t really feel hungry anymore. A few minutes later, Carole comes downstairs and the conversations turn shallow again.

Kurt really, really likes seeing them again, but he can’t wait to go back to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since academia has ruined me, I present you the scientific references in proper APA style.
>
>> Amnesia (n.d.). In _Wikipedia_. Retrieved on December 23rd 2019, from [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FAmnesia&t=OTlmNjczNTQ0MjZkMTFiZGM1ZTRiMWY2ZGI2MDY0NTdhZjFhMTFkNyxBU0JzY0REZA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189850862738%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1124&m=0)
>> 
>> Jenkins, K. G., Kapur, N., & Kopelman, M. D. (2009). Retrograde amnesia and malingering. _Current opinion in neurology_ , _22_ (6), 601-605. doi:10.1097/WCO.0b013e32833299bb
>> 
>> Retrograde amnesia (n.d.). In _Wikipedia_. Retrieved on December 23rd 2019, from [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retrograde_amnesia](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FRetrograde_amnesia&t=NmU0YzAxNzgxMWU0YjU1ODg0YzJmZjYwNTlkYjA2MDJiYTAzYzRmOCxBU0JzY0REZA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189850862738%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1124&m=0)
>> 
>> Squire, L. R., Clark, R. E., & Knowlton, B. J. (2001). Retrograde amnesia. _Hippocampus_ , _11_ (1), 50-55. doi:[10.1002/1098-1063(2001)11:1<50::AID-HIPO1019>3.0.CO;2-G](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fdoi.org%2F10.1002%2F1098-1063%282001%2911%3A1%253C50%3A%3AAID-HIPO1019%253E3.0.CO%3B2-G&t=NGZiMWRkNjM3MWMwZDhlZDJjMTZlYjIzMDBmYWY2NjY5NWUzM2NmNixBU0JzY0REZA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189850862738%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1124&m=0)
>> 
>> Staniloiu, A., Markowitsch, H. J., & Kordon, A. (2018). Psychological causes of autobiographical amnesia: a study of 28 cases. _Neuropsychologia_ , _110_ , 134-147. doi:[10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2017.10.017](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fdoi-org.ru.idm.oclc.org%2F10.1016%2Fj.neuropsychologia.2017.10.017&t=MTIyMjI4YzdmNDE4NGE4OGM5YzdiYTlkODNhMmZjMDdhMDM4Zjg0OSxBU0JzY0REZA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189850862738%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1124&m=0)


	12. Lecture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, we're halfway there!

**LECTURE**

“How is Lima?”

Kurt rolls his eyes dramatically and Blaine laughs. Since 2027 phone camera’s are incredibly advanced, Blaine can easily see the annoyance on Kurt’s face during their video call.

“Glad to see that you still dislike it.”

“Oh my sweet, no memory loss can make me love Lima, Ohio,” Kurt says jokingly, but then he sees Blaine’s face.

He’s done it again.

Blaine quickly recovers from his shock and he puts a smile on his face. “I can imagine. I always say that Columbus is a dump, but Lima is definitely a dump.”

Blaine’s giving Kurt a way out, and it’s very tempting to continue as if nothing has happened, but after his talk with his dad this morning, he wants to talk about it. Kurt just wonders if Blaine wants to talk about it.

After Blaine’s meltdown, Kurt knows that Blaine often automatically puts his own needs aside for Kurt.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Blaine.”

Blaine looks away and Kurt can hear his breathing speeding up. Kurt waits and listens, but Blaine manages to calm down on his own. It’s a big step already. Blaine still tries to push it away, but he’s now considering to talk.

“You called me ‘my sweet’,” Blaine says.

“Did I?” Kurt can’t even remember it. If he did, then he didn’t think of it. Again.

“You know how I used to call you ‘love’?” Blaine asks and Kurt nods. Blaine did do that, but he stopped doing it because it overwhelmed Kurt to hear that simple confession of love every damn time. “Well, your sappy pet name for me is ‘my sweet’, or ‘sweetness’.”

“That is indeed sappy,” Kurt says, but he can’t help but grin. He quite likes that Kurt and Blaine are that sappy couple who call each other cutesy names.

Blaine’s face softens when he sees Kurt’s grin. “Yes, it is and we love it. I didn’t think I’d hear it again any time soon.”

“Well, now that I know, I can call you that again.”

“I’d like that,” Blaine says and to Kurt’s amusement, Blaine blushes.

“Good,” Kurt says and with that, he decides it’s time to end this conversation topic. There’s much more to say, but right now, he just wants to video call with his boyfriend (fiancé?) in peace. “Oh God, Blaine, my dad told me that Breadstix has expanded!”

* * *

On his last day in Lima, Kurt decides to go out. Thanksgiving break has been great and it’s filled with amazing food, but the shallowness does not completely go away.

So on his last day, Kurt excuses himself and his dad and Carole give him space.

He walks around to clear his head. He’s lost in his thoughts and he doesn’t pay attention to where he’s going. He can’t stop thinking about the past few days. Truly, it was lovely to see his dad and Carole, but he so desperately wants to go back to New York.

He wants to go back to Blaine.

Besides, he’ll see his dad and Carole soon enough. They’re planning on celebrating Christmas in New York. Lima is just too unfamiliar right now. He’s slowly gotten used to the futuristic New York, but that took weeks and he’s still not entirely comfortable, but with Lima, he is back at the start.

At one point, Kurt decides to go back, but when he looks around, he realises he’s terribly lost. Since he wanted to go rogue, he can’t look up his way back home. Besides, he won’t be able to pay for a bus ticket if necessary, since his Springo is also at the condo.

He tries to trace his route, but he keeps getting more lost.

_Oh fuck this._

Kurt walks around aimlessly, hoping to find some point of recognition, but there’s nothing. At moments like this, he wishes he could trigger his small memories to come up, but he can’t.

He ends up at a small park in a suburb. He can’t remember if this is his dad and Carole’s suburb or not. Kurt sits down on a park bench and he tries to think.

_Focus, Kurt, you can do this._

“Kurt?”

Kurt doesn’t really register the voice, so he almost falls of the bench at the idea of anyone recognising him in a suburb in Lima.

Sebastian looks quite happy to see him. “What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” Kurt says back. Shouldn’t Sebastian be in Westerville with his family and Adam?

“My aunt lives on this block and I was confused to see you here, so I decided to check on you.”

“Have you always been this kind?”

Sebastian laughs. “No.”

“That’s fair. To answer your question: I decided to go for a walk and I got lost on the way home and before you tell me to look up the route, I am going rogue. I maybe shouldn’t have done that.”

“I can look it up for you and walk you home.”

Kurt looks up in shock. “You’d do that for me?”

“Well, my aunt doesn’t have a printer anymore, since paper has become kind of outdated, so I can’t print directions for you. Also, I fucking hate my uncle. People are still racist in the fine age of 2027. Adam is currently giving him a lecture on racial equality, so we’ll have time. Do you know the address?” 

Sebastian takes his phone out of his pocket and he opens a navigation app.

“Uhm.”

“Oh my God. Fuck this, I’m texting Blaine for the address.”

“This is my first time in this certain area.”

“No shit,” Sebastian says and his phone pings. Blaine must’ve replied. “Your man is too damn good for this world. Let’s go.”

Kurt gladly follows Sebastian, since he is so incredibly lost.

“How is Blaine, by the way?”

“Good. Why’d you ask?”

Sebastian looks sad. “I know he’s had a meltdown a while ago. He hasn’t told me, but Wes has, and I can’t help but worry.”

“Why wouldn’t he tell you those things? Aren’t you great friends?”

“We weren’t always.”

Kurt has gotten the hint. The others talk about it in passing several times. Blaine has told him and he went to high school with Sebastian and that it was not nice.

“Knowing Blaine, he’s probably hating himself for something and he feels like he should hide his true thoughts and feelings to accommodate others. He doesn’t care that it’s destroying him.”

“That’s… eerily accurate,” Kurt says uncomfortably, “How would you know?”

“I may or may not have contributed to that mindset,” Sebastian says and he looks deeply ashamed, “To the left here.”

They turn the corner and Kurt asks: “What happened between you two?”

Sebastian doesn’t answer for a while. The two of them walk back to the condo and Kurt gives Sebastian space to find the words.

“I just want you to know that I am a different person, okay?” he eventually says, “What I did was gross and I can blame bad parenting for it, but that doesn’t make it okay in any way.”

“Okay,” Kurt says. He only knows Sebastian in 2027, so it might be fine. He can’t imagine Sebastian as anyone else.

“Blaine and I went to high school together. Blaine was in love with me.”

Kurt stops in his tracks. “He- what?”

“And I liked him back, but I was not in love with him,” Sebastian says. He continues walking, so Kurt catches up.

“Wait, wait, wait. I dated Adam and I am dating Blaine. You’re dating Adam and you were into Blaine. Blaine is dating me and he was in love with you. What are we?”

“You’ve always compared the four of us to your incestuous glee club. Adam has probably told you that our friendship is based on mutual trust and respect. All the past feelings are long gone, Kurt, but that is not the point. The point is that Blaine was heads over heels in love with me and I liked that. I liked the attention and the worship, but it wasn’t enough. Blaine wasn’t enough.”

Kurt can’t imagine Blaine not being enough to anyone. Blaine is kind, compassionate, passionate and very lovely. Kurt’s only been dating him for a while, but he’s incredibly happy.

“I liked Blaine, but I only liked the idea of him. My ideal version of Blaine.”

“Did you try to change him?”

“I didn’t try,” Sebastian sounds remorseful, “I made it happen.”

“Didn’t Blaine protest?”

“What do you think?”

Kurt thinks back on Blaine pushing his own feelings aside for the sake of Kurt’s happiness, and his stomach falls. “Sebastian, what the fuck.”

“The real Blaine is incredibly kind and amazing, but I didn’t want that. That’s not what love was to me. Again, there are no excuses, so I’m not gonna cry about my rough childhood, but when I grew up, that’s what I watched my father do to my mother and I guess… I just accepted that as the truth.”

For the first time in a very long time, Kurt feels disgusted. He instinctively steps away from Sebastian.

“Did you make Blaine hate who he really is?” Kurt asks sternly.

“He claims that it’s not true, but I disagree. I don’t know the full story from his side, Kurt. We broke up after graduation and I left for a prestigious university in France. I thought Blaine was holding me back, but in reality, I was holding him back,” Sebastian says bitterly. At least, Sebastian sounds as disgusted as Kurt.

“You definitely were.”

“While in France, my mother filed for divorce. That’s when things started falling into place for me. I cut off all contact with my father and he stopped paying my tuition, so I dropped out of university. Ah, daddy issues. At least Blaine and I still have that in common. I lived in France, travelled a lot, and I met loads of people. Nice people. I moved to New York to study PR and communications and I met Adam. I was so afraid I’d mess up again, but oh God, Adam is not shitting around.

Six years ago, I ran into Wes on the subway. Wes was not happy to see me, let me tell you that. To be quite honest, I think Wes hates me to this day. He just tolerates me. He told me Blaine has moved to the city and I asked to see him to apologise. To my utter shock, Blaine accepted the apology. Not only that, but he’s given me a second chance.”

“He really is too good for this world,” Kurt says knowingly.

“He keeps telling me that it’s not my fault, but come on, Kurt, that is fucking bullshit.”

“It is.”

“I admit that I started helping Blaine out due to my own guilt, but we became friends. I actually got to know Blaine and I didn’t try to change him. I wouldn’t want to. We gotta cross the road here.”

They stop at the pedestrian traffic light. Kurt is pretty sure he never had to cross a busy road on his way to the park, but Sebastian must’ve found a faster route. Or his phone must’ve recommended a faster route.

“Even though my own guilt isn’t my main motive anymore, I will do everything for Blaine just to make up for a bit of it. I don’t think I can ever fix what I’ve done, no matter how many times Blaine tries to tell me otherwise. He opened up his heart to me, and I destroyed him. No wonder he has trust and self-esteem issues.”

The light turns green and they cross the road. Then they go around another corner and Kurt slowly starts to recognise this area as his dad’s suburb.

Kurt stops Sebastian from walking for a moment and he puts his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder.

“I hope you can understand that this has changed my views on you,” Kurt tells Sebastian, “Blaine might be too kind for this world, but I am not. I believe you are a better person, but this is a lot to take in and I’m angry at you for it.”

Sebastian nods. “I understand. I would be quite surprised if things would’ve stayed the same between us.”

“Glad to hear we’re on the same page.”

The two of them continue their walk and after a while, Kurt finally sees his dad and Carole’s condo. He thanks Sebastian for walking him ‘home’.

“You’re welcome,” Sebastian does a mock salute, “It was nice, you know? You not knowing about our crap past, since you definitely disliked me as well, but you deserve to know at least something. I hope you realise it’s not your fault that Blaine has problems opening up or trusting you. It’s mine.”

“Even though he disagrees?”

“Even though he disagrees. Happy belated Thanksgiving, Kurt.”

* * *

The next day, Blaine’s waiting for Kurt at the airport. It’s like a romantic movie scene. Kurt runs towards Blaine, dropping his suitcase with a loud thud on the floor, and he jumps in Blaine’s arms.

“Woah, hi, hello!” Blaine says as he tries to steady himself.

“I’ve missed you,” Kurt leans in to kiss Blaine, “I don’t think we spend that much time apart, do we?”

Blaine laughs. “Yeah, this was torture. But you’re home now.”

 _Yes_ , Kurt thinks to himself, _Yes, he is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh, livin' on a prayer!


	13. Maximum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it for 2019. Right now, as I’m writing, it’s less than an hour before the clock hits midnight. I wish you all a very happy 2020.

**MAXIMUM**

Kurt and Blaine are out on a small stroll through Bryant Park. Blaine decides to get some hot cacao from a vending stand, so Kurt gives him a small kiss before sitting down on a park bench near the fountain.

“Kurt, is that you?” he hears.

A man is looking at him. He has dark hair, some piercings, and he has a short beard. He has a very excited look on his face, and Kurt’s almost worried that he’s a fan. Every so often, Kurt and Blaine get recognised, which is very weird since Kurt doesn’t even remember becoming famous.

But then the man says: “Oh man, I haven’t heard from you in ages! Then again, can’t fully put the blame on you. I like your hair! It’s old school, dude.”

He sits next to Kurt and unless this is a very obsessed fan, this man is far too calm and casual. Most of the time, fans ask how he’s doing (“Still ill, unfortunately.”) and then they ask for a selfie.

“How are you?” Kurt asks. If they are supposed to know each other, then it’s best to act that way. Does this man know about the memory loss?

“Oh, life is crazy. Touring is so fulfilling, but it is also so tiring. Blaine can probably vouch for that,” the man answers. Okay, so he knows Blaine as well. “But it is great to see fans all around the country. Like, we know we’re just a small group – we’re nothing compared to you and your soon-to-be-husband – but it is so great.”

Okay, this man definitely knows Kurt and Blaine well, since he knows about the wedding.

“But hey, Dani told you that you’ve gotten sick, that’s why you’re on a leave?” the man sounds a bit worried, “If the amazing Kurt Hummel is on a leave from Broadway, you know something’s up. I read the statement on your Firmspring. Unexpected problems in your personal life, or something? That sounds rough, sorry to hear that.”

Every so often, Kurt wishes he could remember something. He doesn’t have a say in what he can remember and what he has forgotten, but he often just wants some control. This is one of those moments. Kurt studies the man. He looks very open and kind. From what he’s said, he obviously knows Kurt and Blaine well enough to be invited to their wedding, but not well enough to know about the memory loss. He’s probably a musician, since he’s touring and he’s comparing it to Blaine’s touring.

“I’m sorry, but I-”

“Hey Elliott!”

Both Kurt and the man (Elliott?) turns to see Blaine standing there. He’s holding two Styrofoam cups of hot cacao.

“Blaine, man, how’ve you been?”

“Been better,” Blaine admits easily, “I thought you’d still be on the road by now. Didn’t you and Dani plan on a small vacation at the end of the tour? After all, you two and the band One Three Hill have a busy schedule.”

Kurt and Blaine’s eyes meet and judging by the look in Blaine’s eyes, Blaine knows that Kurt can’t remember him, and that this man doesn’t know about the memory loss.

Kurt nods shortly and he lets Blaine fully take over the conversation. Sometimes, Kurt chimes in with generic responses like “That sounds great!” or “Glad to hear it” or “Wow, that is awkward”, while Blaine does most of the substantial talking. Kurt notices that Blaine puts a lot of emphasis on random facts, so that Kurt can follow along without Elliott noticing that there’s something off.

“Oh yeah, remember Marry The Night, Kurt?” Elliott asks.

“I wish I were there,” Blaine immediately cuts in, “Kurt’s told me a lot about your initial audition for the band that later would become One Three Hill. I’ve heard it was great!”

Even if Elliott thinks it’s weird that Blaine is stating obvious facts, he doesn’t let it show.

“Marry The Night was indeed great,” Kurt lies easily. Is it a lie? Kurt just can’t remember it being the truth.

“The fans love to hear me cover it,” Elliott sounds proud, “Remember when Gaga herself retweeted me? Oh, Twitter, rest in peace. We’re still working on a new band name, so maybe we should name ourselves after Twitter as an homage.”

“Since you guys are no longer One Three Hill, now that Kurt’s left the band,” Blaine clarifies.

“Exactly! One Two Hill sounds dodgy, in my eyes.”

“Well, so does a band named after Twitter,” Kurt points out. He shoots a thankful look towards Blaine when Elliott isn’t looking.

“It’s a work in progress, Kurt,” Elliott says and he reaches for his phone, “Ah crap, gotta head home. Luke’s making an early dinner and I lost track of the time.”

“Go home to your husband,” Blaine says so that Kurt can follow along. Okay, so Elliott is married.

“It was nice to catch up, guys. I know communication has been kind of awry lately, with me and Dani being on the road, and Kurt apparently getting sick, but if we have time, we could hang out and grab some coffee.”

“Definitely,” Kurt says and he means it. He really likes Elliott. Blaine hums in agreement.

The moment Elliott is out of sight, Kurt turns to Blaine. “Okay, what the hell was that?”

“Uh, that was us catching up with a friend?” Blaine sounds a bit confused.

“If he’s a friend, why doesn’t he know about the memory loss? Apparently, he’s invited to our wedding, Blaine. We only invited friends to our wedding.”

Blaine looks stricken. “Look, I have completely forgotten to tell him, or Dani, or Luke, or Clara, or Macy, or Joey, or Ross, or Monica, or Phoebe or- Oh god, I’ve also forgotten Isabelle. Should I have told Isabelle?”

“What?” Kurt exclaims loudly, which causes some people to look at them, “Did you just list the characters from Friends?”

“We just happen to know people who share their names with the characters of Friends,” Blaine says, and he also looks around, “You definitely know the Rachel.”

When Kurt sees that one person is filming them, he turns away. Blaine notices as well. Ah, that is the downside of fame and advancements in technology. People can see, hear, film, and track you everywhere outside the comfort of your own home. Even when you go rogue, like Kurt, others can capture you on photo of video and post it on Firmspring.

Luckily, even the most advanced phone camera’s cannot pick up sound from such a distance, so Blaine waves at the fan and then whispers to Kurt. “Let’s go home.”

On their way home, Blaine starts to talk, but he keeps his face cheery, just in case someone films them. Kurt and Blaine do not want to end up in the celebrity gossip tags of Firmspring or Sha-Bash. Kurt still hasn’t looked on his social media, but sometimes he hears Blaine sigh sadly while he’s scrolling through his timelines and feeds.

“Kurt, you know a lot of people,” Blaine says, “I just- Do you really think that we managed to personally let them all know what happened? You have work friends, college friends, people you bonded with on the train and became friends with… I didn’t mean to forget, but when you woke up without fifteen years of memories, my first thoughts weren’t _‘Oh boy, I have to remember to tell all those people!_ ’. When I saw you talking to Elliott, I almost dropped the hot cacao when I realised that I had completely forgotten him.”

“From what I’ve gotten, Elliott and I are great friends who go way back to our college times,” Kurt points out.

Blaine nods. “But he’s also been out of the city for months and we haven’t heard from him, so he slipped under my radar. Does that bother you?”

Kurt takes Blaine’s hand to show that he’s not mad. “I understand. If it weren’t for Rachel or Kitty, I don’t think my glee club would’ve even known. It just makes me feel uneasy, knowing that there are people like Elliott, who I’m supposed to know, but I don’t.”

“Yeah.”

“Back there, you were so helpful, though. You helped me so much by leading the conversation and by filling in the blanks for me,” Kurt tells Blaine, and to his relief, tensions leaves Blaine’s body. By now, Kurt has learned that Blaine needs reassurance, instead of distance, so Kurt tries to be more open and less judgemental as well. “Thank you, truly. But you’re not always going to be there, so I guess I’ll have to figure out what to do if I meet someone when I’m on my own.”

“If only there was a way to tell all the people you care about at the same time,” Blaine grumbles.

Kurt looks up to look at the wires stretched all throughout the city. He can think of a way to do that, but Blaine is not going to like it.

* * *

“I don’t like this.”

“Well, I’m not looking for your approval.”

“I know, but are you sure about this? Not just people who know you personally will know. Everyone will know. _Everyone_ , Kurt. Not just our friends who share the same names as the ones from Friends.”

“Blaine, I know that I’m from a time where social media are only at a starting point when it comes to how far it reaches people, but I know that this means everyone with an internet connection. I’m doing it. I contacted Rachel and Jesse to avoid risky PR stuff. I wrote this. I can do this.”

“Alright. But let me read it one last time.”

* * *

**DECEMBER 10 2027, 5:36PM**

**kehummel posted a text post**

Hello everyone, it is me, Kurt Hummel.

Apparently, that is how I start all my text posts on Firmspring and it sounds ridiculous. It sounds a bit self-centred, don’t you think?

I am writing this post as an update. As many may know, I have gotten sick and that has prevented me from being on Broadway. Unfortunately, this isn’t an announcement of my return. It’s an explanation. We kept the details of my illness vague, since we all expected it end soon, but after five months, we have to face the music: I might not get better anytime soon.

Long story short: I have an extreme case of memory loss. I don’t remember being on Broadway. I don’t remember meeting my fiancé (guys, I am engaged!?). I have lost fifteen years of my life.

Yes, that is a lot to take in. That’s also why I’ve gone radio silent. I am from the time of Twitter and YouTube. Vine isn’t even a thing yet. So, Firmspring is one big pile of confusing mess for me. It’s weird to think that I have such a big internet presence at all. These whole e-celeb things have just started going big.

Oh, Blaine just reminded me that e-celebrities are called influencers. When did that happen?

I can assume that you have a lot of questions, but I don’t have a lot of answers. I am barely grasping it myself, but I have reached the maximum amount of patience. I cannot wait any longer. This amnesia thing is obviously putting my life on hold, but the longer I wait, the longer everything is stuck in time.

There isn’t much to say. I can’t tell you what the future holds for me. I’ve debated whether or not I should post this, but after talking to people (including Blaine, Rachel and Jesse), I’ve decided to post about it so that I can explain my absence.

Since I don’t know what is going on in my life, I don’t think I’m coming back to the social media world anytime soon. I know that I’ve gotten quite an online following, but I don’t even know how to use most of the features on my phone, so I’m letting Blaine do the cross-posting to Sha-Bash.

Really, I don’t have anything else to say. Thank you for your patience and support. I cannot believe that I have fans. I even have a Tony Award! Blaine has shown me the video of my win and I looked fabulous.

That’s all for now.

\- K.H.


	14. Nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and happy belated new year. Can you believe we’ve entered the 2020s? One more year till location tracking becomes mandatory on all devices!
> 
> Well, hi there. It’s nice to see you. Welcome back for another chapter of Mysotis sylvatica, my _2019_ advent story. I think updates will be more hectic than the updates on my 2018 advent story [All the pretty things that we could be](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F16804405&t=ZGM1ZWJiMjAyMjc1NDk0ZWM3NmMzMDg5YWIxODdjNTI0ZDlhODM0NCx2WTZYbjdYMg%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F190223805898%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-1424&m=0) (yes, shameless plug!), since I am about to move countries for my study. Ah, I finished that one in 2019, so I don’t care. I’m just happily writing.
> 
> That being said, enjoy the awkward Hummel-Hudson Christmas.

**NEST**

Kurt should be happy.

His dad and Carole are in New York for Christmas. Kurt and Blaine arranged a car to pick them up, since they avoid going outdoors. Ever since Kurt posted his extended statement, the press has been everywhere. Luckily, thanks to privacy laws instated in 2023, the press is gone for Christmas. Still, Burt and Carole arrived by a car.

Kurt’s happy to see them. He hugged his dad tightly and he kissed Carole on the cheek. They did the generic greetings and even though Kurt expected it, he was sad to realise that the shallowness from Thanksgiving break had not completely disappeared yet.

Blaine put away their stuff, so that they can take it with them to the hotel, and he them poured some coffee. It’s all going so well and Kurt should be happy.

He should be happy to see that his dad and Carole are so comfortable in the apartment. He should be happy that his dad clearly loves Blaine. He should be happy that Blaine fits in this family like a piece of a puzzle.

He should be happy.

Growing up, he never truly imagined this scenario: him, living in New York with a man, and his family being completely comfortable with it. Sure, after his coming out in his sophomore year, the scenario became more plausible, since his dad has been nothing but supporting, but it’s still a dream.

Or it was a dream.

Kurt still isn’t sure what tenses to use. You’d think he’d be more understanding of his situation after almost half a year, but no.

The conversations remain a bit shallow, but the familiarity between Blaine and his family makes it seem less forced. They still avoid the more serious and difficult topics, but Blaine talks freely with Burt and Carole pitches in every now and then. It makes it easier for Kurt as well, but it is clear that the others have reached a certain moment in their relationship that Kurt isn’t even close to.

It’s strange to be jealous of this, but then again, everything is strange to Kurt.

When they’re exchanging gifts, Kurt almost breaks down. They’re all drinking expensive champagne (alcohol-free for Blaine) near the Christmas tree and his dad hands Blaine a parcel.

Blaine unwraps it. It’s a box and when Blaine opens the lid, he looks like he’s ready to burst. He shuts the box and he basically throws his arms around Kurt’s dad.

“Thank you! You’re the best dad ever!” he yells and Kurt goes stiff.

No one notices. His dad is returning the tight embrace and Carole looks incredibly satisfied.

“You like it?”

“I love it! I thought that they were sold out everywhere,” Blaine opens the box again and Kurt moves closer to get a better look. He frowns when he sees a bowtie.

“Don’t you have 69 of those?” Kurt asks.

Blaine laughs and he immediately takes it out of the box to put it on. “Well, 70 and counting, love. This is a special edition.”

“It was quite difficult to find one without Kurt’s assistance,” his dad says jokingly, but to Kurt it feels like another stab to his heart. Is he supposed to know that Blaine wants this specific bowtie? He can’t even understand what’s so special about it. Surely, he appreciates the aesthetic, since Kurt can always appreciate good fashion, but he has no idea how to react.

“Oh, I can imagine. Carole?” Blaine hands the bowtie to Carole. Carole helps Blaine with tying his bowtie and Blaine lets her. It’s a familiar move. It must be. Carole pats Blaine on his cheek when she’s done.

Kurt feels incredibly out of place. He’s watching his family, but they’ve all carried on without him. Blaine fits in perfectly and it is very, very clear that his dad and Carole have accepted him as part of the family. It’s all Kurt ever wanted.

Blaine even calls Kurt’s dad ‘the best dad ever’. Blaine is completely at home here.

Kurt feels like he’s the one who should be in Blaine’s position. He should be the one to make inside jokes with his dad. He should be the one to talk about latest trends with Carole. He should call his dad ‘the best dad ever’.

Goddamnit, he should be happy.

Instead, he sips his overly expensive drink and he watches how Blaine gives Carole a gift. Of course it’s all familiar to them. Of fucking course.

* * *

After his dad and Carole have gone to the hotel, Blaine asks him if it’s okay if Blaine goes to the office. Kurt wholeheartedly agrees, since he’s also in the mood for some alone time.

He goes to the bedroom to clean his mother’s dresser. Swipe left. Swipe right. Swipe left. While he’s at it, he also taps his nose three times and you know, he also has the time to rearrange his wardrobe to have it colour-coordinated. It’s a very colourful wardrobe, since Blaine’s clothes are in it as well.

He cleans his mother’s dresser one more time, just to feel good, before he turns to the wardrobe. Rearranging clothes feels like a nice distraction from the fact that he feels like a stranger amongst his own family.

He’s been doing a lot of rearranging lately. It’s just nice to feel in control of something, although Blaine was very confused to see that the kitchen counters’ content had been rearranged. Kurt likes it.

While colour-coordinating, he sometimes looks over at his mother’s dresser.

Would she have loved Blaine as much as his father?

“I think you would’ve adored him, mom,” Kurt says, and then he adds, “Dad certainly does.”

His shoulders slump and he almost drops Blaine’s lobster cardigan. Yes, he has a cardigan with lobsters on it.

“I am just so tired of feeling out of the loop, mom. It is clear that Blaine’s part of the family, and I am glad, but I’ve missed all the steps in-between. I’ve missed the awkward first meeting and my dad probably threatening Blaine with his non-existent shotgun. I’ve missed Carole gushing over Blaine’s politeness. I’ve missed the moment my dad and Blaine started calling each other ‘dad and ‘son’. I’ve missed the moment I told them about our apparent engagement. I’ve missed it all and I hate it.”

That’s also a recent thing. Kurt thought he was finally making peace with not knowing things, but ever since he posted the statement on Firmspring, he can’t help but wonder how he must’ve felt during the highlight of his career. It started with his career, but now the uneasy feeling is reaching other aspects of his life.

Watching this gift exchange truly felt like someone drop kicked him into the ground.

“At least I can still talk about these things with you, mom. I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but with you, I can sort of pretend that everything’s new and exciting when it comes to Blaine. I can introduce you. He knows that I talk to ‘you’. I truly don’t know what you’d think of him. Unfortunately, I will never know the answer.”

But then Kurt sighs sadly.

“Who am I kidding? This is my life now and unless there’s a neuroscientific breakthrough, it will remain this way. The wardrobe is finished.”

He closes the wardrobe door and he decides to go to the bathroom to brush his teeth. They have to get up early, since his dad and Carole are coming over for breakfast. When he opens the bedroom door, the sight of Blaine surprises him.

Blaine looks like a deer caught in headlights. Kurt understands why.

“How much did you hear?”

Blaine doesn’t reply. Instead he leans closer, and Kurt’s almost certain that Blaine’s going to kiss him, but then he wraps his arms around Kurt. Kurt immediately sags in Blaine’s arms. Damn, he needed a hug.

“I’m sorry you have to go through all of this alone, love,” Blaine says softly, “What can I do to make this better for you?”

“Nothing,” Kurt tells him, “I can’t ask you to not be comfortable around my dad and Carole. That’s not fair.”

“I’d do it for you.”

Of course, he would. That’s what Blaine does.

“You can’t. I’d feel shit for a different reason. I don’t want to ruin Christmas.”

“They would understand as well,” Blaine points out. It’s true, since everyone’s been incredibly helpful and accommodating.

“No, just please act like nothing is wrong,” Kurt says, knowing it is impossible, but hey, it’s nice to pretend, “Right now I want to go to sleep. Despite everything, I am very excited for breakfast. We’ll talk about this later.”

Blaine hugs Kurt for a little bit longer, but then they go to the bathroom to get ready. They need some time, since their skincare regimes are quite long, but when they’re finally lying in bed, it’s worth it.

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“Why do they have to stay in a hotel? Isn’t the office also a guest room?”

“The office is filled with a lot of stuff, Kurt,” Blaine reminds him, “Besides, we don’t want them to hear us having sex and they don’t want to hear us having sex, so it’s better for everyone if they just go.”

Kurt can feel himself turn red, so it is a good thing that the lights are out. At the fine age of nineteen, Kurt’s over his whole innocent penguin stage, but it is still weird to hear Blaine talk about their sex lives so casually.

Blaine must’ve noticed the awkward silence, since he quickly wishes Kurt a goodnight and he turns away.

* * *

The day after, Kurt and Blaine don’t mention their small conversation about sex. Everything is fine. Burt and Carole come over around 9am to have breakfast at their apartment, and it’s a nice morning.

Sure, it still stings to see how everyone else is so comfortable with each other, but now that he’s shared his feelings with his mom and Blaine, it’s sort of easier to let go of it. It is still there in the back of his mind, but he focuses on trying to have fun. His dad is in New York for Christmas!

Around 1pm, they leave the apartment and they head towards Broadway. They’re going to see a show. Apparently, it’s tradition for his dad and Carole to see a show in New York. They come to New York as often as possible, since even today, they have a huge case of empty nest syndrome.

Going outside attracts lots of attention. Going outside to freaking Broadway certainly attracts lots of attention. People are filming Kurt from all angles. He can hear people whisper as they walk by. Some even stop Kurt to ask him some questions.

Even when you go rogue, like Kurt, privacy isn’t given. The tracking wires might not pick up his exact location, but everyone with an internet connection and a Firmspring account knows where to find him. Lovely.

Blaine handles the invasive fans with such grace, which makes Kurt’s annoyance barely noticeable. While Blaine talks to fans, Kurt looks around. He has set foot on the actual Broadway (as in the street), despite the amnesia, but he has never really paid attention to the many billboards and marquees.

He’s not surprised to see that the Phantom of the Opera is still running, so he can’t say that it’s a relief to see something he recognises. There are some revivals that Kurt recognises, but as expected, many titles are new. Who calls a musical Mr. Millenium and the Wonder Emporium? Why is there such a big line around Hamilton? Did Breaking Bad truly get a musical adaption? Kurt doesn’t even want to know what Mr. Barley and the Incurable Itch is about.

Jazz Hands the Musical does sound amusing, though.

Blaine thanks the fan and the four of them continue their walk. They pass Kurt’s theatre. His name is no longer on the marquee, now that his understudy has taken over full-time, and it makes Kurt a bit jealous. Then again, he doesn’t even remember the show or his role, so it feels foolish to be jealous over it.

They walk past the theatre and Kurt doesn’t look back. Instead he shifts his focus back to the many colourful marquees.

“Hey, isn’t that your favourite show?” Kurt points towards a marquee for Hadestown.

“It is,” Blaine says quickly, “But let’s keep moving. We have to be in time for the matinee performance of The Gondola.”

Kurt’s dad and Blaine lead the way, since they picked out the show together.

Kurt and Carole are behind.

“How is everything, Kurt?” Carole says, “We haven’t really talked yet.”

“I’m just pulling through,” Kurt answers and they both know it’s the truth. As promised, Kurt and his dad haven’t told Carole about the recent developments. Sometimes, Kurt regrets it, but then he sees this poorly hidden hopeful look on Carole’s face and he knows he’s done the right thing.

She’s already lost so much. Hope is the one thing she can hold on to.

“Do we need to send you more photos?” Carole suggests. Kurt shakes his head. Carole doesn't know that he hasn't looked at the photos yet.

“I don’t think there’s much you can do, Carole, but thank you for offering.”

Carole huffs. “I don’t want you to feel alone, Kurt.”

“I’m not,” Kurt says, and he starts to smile, “I have friends here, Carole. I see Roderick and Mae the most. I regularly talk to Rachel and Kitty. I even talk to Jesse on a regular basis. I’ve recently had some drinks with Wes, Sebastian and Adam.”

He looks at Blaine and his dad. They’re in a heated discussion about the show’s set design.

“And I have Blaine. He’s… he’s, uhm, great.”

“We love him,” Carole says.

“I’ve noticed,” Kurt says, sounding a bit bitter. Carole looks up in surprise, but she doesn’t argue with him.

“Is it weird for you that we love Blaine?” she asks. There’s no judgement. She sounds sincerely curious. The thought probably hadn’t even occurred to her. No one feels as left out as Kurt, so Kurt doesn’t blame them for not noticing.

“It is,” Kurt admits. He’s not in the mood to relive all those emotions again, but there’s no reason for him to lie.

“How can we make it better for you?” Carole asks and Kurt feels like the luckiest man alive. His family is just so incredibly supportive of everything. Blaine asked the exact same thing last night.

Therefore, Kurt gives her the same answer.

“I understand, Kurt. I hadn’t even thought of it. I’ve completely accepted Blaine as part of the family, since he’s kind and lovely and he desperately needs a family.”

Blaine still doesn’t talk about his own family that much, but by now, Kurt knows that it’s not good. He barely talks to his father and his mother isn’t ‘just in the Philippines’, she’s unexpectedly moved there without telling anyone. She did call them to ask how they’re doing, since she read Kurt’s Firmspring statement. Blaine’s only somewhat close to his ecstatic brother Cooper, but that’s recent. Cooper flew to New York after he read the Firmspring post and Kurt realised that Blaine's family life is not to be discussed. Not yet, at least.

“That’s another reason why I don’t want you guys to change the way you act around each other,” Kurt says, “It’s not natural.”

“I am just sad that you feel this way. We love Blaine, just like you do.”

The words almost make Kurt stop dead in his tracks. He doesn’t love Blaine?

Well, it makes sense. The relationship is no longer brand new, since they’ve been dating for a while, but does Kurt love Blaine? He certainly likes Blaine, but he hasn’t really put much thought into it. He’s been too preoccupied with the whole amnesia thing.

Oh wow.

Kurt’s dad and Blaine erupt into laughter, which make Kurt and Carole look at them.

“What is it, boys?” Carole asks and she has an amused look on her face.

“Nothing big, mom,” Blaine says nonchalantly. Mom. Not even Kurt calls Carole ‘mom’.

“We’re here!” Kurt’s dad says and it’s true. They’re stood underneath the marquee of The Gondola. Of course, people are taking photos of Kurt and Blaine.

Blaine takes Kurt’s hand and he tries to shelter him from the many phones. He’s thoughtful like that.

Kurt’s not entirely sure if he loves Blaine. He truly hasn’t had the moment to stop and examine his feelings about Blaine. He just accepted it for what it is.

Whatever it is, it is good. He can totally imagine himself falling in love with Blaine. After all, what is not to love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Kayla for coming up with “Mr. Millenium and the Wonder Emporium” and “Jazz Hands the Musical”. Shout out to Margot for gifting me with the atrocious title “Mr. Barley and the Incurable Itch”, I love it. 
> 
> “The Gondola” is my own creation. I have absolutely no idea what it is about. All I know is that I named it after the Jogan Gondola.


	15. Overwhelm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s back, back again? It’s time for 2 chapters of Blaine POV. Things are a-changin’, and Blaine is not to keen on it.

**OVERWHELM**

“Ten… nine… eight…”

Wes and Mae are already kissing. Elliott and Luke look at them with amused looks on their faces.

“… seven… six… five…”

Next to him, Kitty and Roderick are holding each other. They have big grins on their faces. Dani and Clara are sitting in corner, whispering and giggling. They don’t pay attention to the countdown.

“… four…”

Rachel and Jesse are too drunk to care about the countdown. Kurt scoots closer to Blaine. Adam and Sebastian are huddled together as well.

“… three… two… one…”

They are at home, so they can’t actually watch the ball drop at Time’s Square, but Blaine dips Kurt the moment the clock hits midnight.

“Happy New Year! Happy 2028!”

Roderick pops another bottle of champagne and Kitty is hollering. Rachel and Jesse are singing along with the television, and Elliott and Luke are still kissing. Dani and Clara announce their leave, but no one minds. Every year, they leave early to hit the town.

Wes and Mae are crying and Blaine gasps out loud when he sees that Wes is putting a ring on Mae’s finger.

“You fucking did it!” Blaine yells and Wes startles at the sudden noise. Everyone follows Blaine’s gaze and the room erupts into congratulations and more cheers.

“He beat me to it!” Mae yells loudly while she shows off her ring. Even Dani and Clara are admiring it from the door opening. “I was going to propose on Valentine’s Day. Kurt and I have been planning a perfect proposal.”

“Oh Mae,” Kurt flings his arm around Mae, “Isn’t this a perfect proposal?”

Mae pretends to ponder for a moment, but then she says: “Heck yeah!”

“Another one to celebrate?” Roderick raises the bottle and others raise their glasses. Roderick pours sloppily and the champagne gets spilled all over Kurt and Blaine’s floor, but everyone is in a good mood.

“Here, Anderson,” Kitty hands Blaine a glass of lemonade. She isn’t drinking either, since she her job requires her to get up early, even on New Year’s Day. She’s used to it and it makes Blaine feel less alone. No one in his group of friends have ever shamed or pressured Blaine to drink along, but at moments like this, he still feels awkward.

“Cheers, Wilde,” Blaine and Kitty clink their glasses together.

“Will you two ever refer to each other by your first names?” Jesse asks.

“Never,” Kitty sticks out her tongue.

“Most people just use tacky nicknames, like Kit-Kat,” Jesse says.

“Well, only Kurt calls me that!” Kitty says, but then she adds: “At least, he used to.”

The three of them look over to Kurt, who’s talking with Mae about the upcoming wedding. He looks very happy and very excited. Kurt’s always loved weddings, so Blaine feels a stab of bitterness when he sees that Mae shows him something wedding related on her phone. Why won’t he talk about his own upcoming wedding?

No. Not now. Blaine will not dwell on this right now. Now, it’s time for an evening of celebration filled with friends.

Kurt sees them looking and he excuses himself towards Mae.

“God, what a night,” Kurt says and he gives Blaine a quick kiss on the cheek, “The night is still young and it’s already so eventful.”

“Happy 2028, Kurt.”

“Happy 2013, Blaine.”

“Happy 2013, Kurt.”

But Kurt doesn’t seem very torn up about it. In fact, when he wished Blaine a happy 2013, it sounded more like an inside joke than a sad lament.

“Clara, Dani and Luke are great. I’m glad I’ve met them. It’s a shame that Dani and Clara are leaving early,” Kurt says.

“I’m glad you like them.”

“I’m just glad they still like me,” Kurt sighs happily and he leans against Blaine with his full weight. He must be a bit tipsy.

“Have you made any New Year’s Resolutions, Kurt?” Adam asks. Blaine has no idea where he suddenly came from.

“Yeah. I’m going to continue living. You?”

Adam whistles. “Wow, mate. My resolution is ‘doing more exercise’, which sounds pretty shit compared to yours.”

“I’m going to live, Adam. That’s what I’m going to do,” Kurt says and he raises his glass.

“Cheers to that!” Kitty chimes in and she also raises her glass. Soon, everyone follows her lead. They all toast to New Year’s Resolutions and Wes comes back from the kitchen with more oven snacks.

The party continues and the last guests leave around 5am. By the time Kurt and Blaine get to bed, they’re still high on energy.

“Today was really nice,” Kurt says and he yawns.

“It really was,” Blaine agrees and he scoots closer.

“And now, I’m going to continue living.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Blaine says absently. He’s already dosing off. Now that they’re actually in bed, the tiredness becomes clear.

Oh, Blaine had no idea what was coming.

* * *

It starts with clothing. Now, Kurt’s always been an extremely fashionable person, so he easily adapted to late 2020s fashion. He’s always been avant-garde. Blaine has seen photos of Kurt in high school and Kurt embodied fashion.

Still, he hasn’t actively followed fashion. Blaine’s surprised to come home to Kurt browsing through stacks of fashion magazines.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, welcome back.”

“I see you found your stash of magazines,” Blaine says and he watches Kurt turn the pages at rapid pace.

Kurt nods eagerly. “I’m very glad that print on paper still exists, even now. I think I might go out shopping later this week. I mean, if someone could help me budget.” Kurt gives Blaine a pointed look.

Right. Finances. Blaine’s offered Kurt to help him several times, but Kurt always declined. Blaine can imagine that it’s weird to go from struggling student to millionaire. Then again, Blaine wonders if Kurt knows how much money he actually has.

“Of course. I would love to not be the only one to fight Adam over budgeting and administration work.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “I hate administration, don’t I? You mentioned it on the day I lost my memories. You thought I was trying to get out of it.”

Blaine can vaguely remember that.

“Ah well, it’s part of life. Let’s learn all the things high school never prepared me for!”

* * *

Then, it was time for photos. Over the past few months, photos have returned to the living room, but there’s still a lot of photos hidden in the office.

One day, Kurt asks Blaine to retrieve them.

“For real?” Blaine asks, just to be sure.

Kurt nods. “For real. I think I’m ready. Otherwise, I will never be ready.”

So Blaine comes back from the office with a stack of photos. Just like magazines, photos are still a thing in the late 2020s. Back in the 2010s, everyone expected the world to become fully digital, and sure, many things have been digitalised, it doesn’t mean that the old ways are fully gone.

Kurt and Blaine read magazines in paper and on their phones. Kurt and Blaine have photos in a photobook and in a cloud. Paper has indeed lost its importance, but it’s still there.

Blaine hands the stack face-down to Kurt.

Kurt braces himself and he flips around the first photo.

“Is that Sam? Wow, he looks good,” he says. He’s holding a photo of Blaine and Sam during summer vacation, all the way back in 2019. “Blaine, we do need to talk about your hair. I remember that you told me about your old hairgel addiction, but this looks like someone glued your hair to your head.”

Together, they go through the photos. Blaine watches Kurt freeze up every now and then, mostly when he sees how people he loves have aged, and Blaine has to explain some photos, but it’s going well.

Kurt burst out in laugher when he sees a photo of Blaine with a beard. Yes, Blaine went through that phase. It lasted half a year.

“You can’t laugh, Kurt. You haven’t shaved in days.”

“I know,” Kurt says dramatically, “I hate it.”

They put the photos back in the living room, the bedroom, and in the kitchen. Blaine is tempted to put them back where they belong, but Kurt has different ideas.

Then again, he can’t remember where these photos used to be.

When they’re done, Kurt looks around the living room in awe. “We have a lot of those.”

“We do. We’re old school.” Every time Brittany and Santana come over, Isabel tells them that it’s weird.

“It feels home-y, though.”

“That’s why we do it.”

* * *

Blaine’s sitting in the living room with his laptop balancing on his lap. He’s supposed to be working, but instead, he’s thinking.

Kurt keeps… well, he’s not exactly changing. But something is happening. He’s getting more confident. Before the new year, Kurt looked slightly out of place, but now it looks like he’s slowly starting to fit in.

Blaine really likes his newfound confidence, but he can’t help but wonder where it’s coming from. To Blaine, this is all very sudden, and he doesn’t really know what to feel.

It almost feels like Kurt’s giving up on regaining his memories.

To Blaine, that has been the goal all along. He’s accepted that it is taking longer than anticipated, but the inevitable end should be the memories coming back.

Maybe Blaine’s just paranoid. Should he word his concerns? They’ve been getting better at talking, but there are still many things unsaid. Should this be one of those things?

But what if Blaine’s being silly? What if Kurt just wants to enjoy life more? Blaine really loves this confident energy. That’s the Kurt he knows. For a long time, Blaine did see ‘this’ Kurt and ‘his’ Kurt as two separate people, and it feels like these two Kurts are merging into one. Isn’t this what Blaine’s wanted for so long? He feels like a terrible boyfriend (fiancé? Really, they should talk about the wedding), but he still misses ‘his’ Kurt a lot.

“Hey, so I was thinking-”

Blaine gets pulled out his thoughts. Kurt’s joined him in the living room and he’s holding a tablet.

“- talked about it with Rachel and Jesse and they’re on board with it. I will obviously have to start from scratch, but they think we should be able to do it.”

Blaine blinks a few times. “Excuse me, what?”

“Me going back to work?” Kurt says as if it’s obvious, “Jesse is already thinking about contacting Sebastian for PR. You know… spin it into my big return and all that. Then again, that is probably what is happening.”

“Wait. Hold on. Slow down,” Blaine says quickly, “You’re planning on going back to work?”

Kurt nods, looking confident with his decision. “I decided to keep you up to date before I actually decide anything, but yeah, I want to do this. Rachel is planning a meeting between me and my agent and then we’re off.”

Blaine is silent. He needs some time to process it. Things are changing too much, too fast. Is this why Kurt’s growing his stubble back? Has he been planning this?

“You really want to do that?” Blaine asks and Kurt immediately nods.

“Blaine, I’m ready. I’m bored out of my mind here and Broadway is right there,” Kurt looks outside. They don’t exactly live next to Broadway, but Blaine gets the gist. Kurt’s Tony Award is standing on their windowsill and it shines in the sunlight.

Blaine takes a deep breath. He is annoyed by all the sudden changes, but it’s unfair to take it out on Kurt. Blaine sets his laptop on the coffee table. “You’d be great on Broadway, but why are you suddenly doing all this? Broadway, changing up your style… all those things?”

“I told you, I’m bored,” Kurt says. He holds up the tablet. Kurt’s looked up photos of himself on Broadway. “And when I see this, I just… I miss it? It’s weird to miss something I can’t remember, but I miss it.”

He sets the tablet down and he looks at the Tony.

“I know I got it. When Rachel and Jesse first told me I got a Tony, I was so happy. You should’ve been there, Blaine. It felt like a perfect Tony ceremony, despite the circumstances. But lately, I can’t help but get mad. I’ve made it, Blaine. I have achieved my dream, but I cannot remember it at all. I’ve lost it.”

Blaine thinks about his own achievements and his awards. He feels so proud every time he think of his first album. He can’t imagine losing all that.

“What about your memories?” Blaine says. It’s the thing that’s been on Blaine’s mind.

“What about them?”

“Aren’t you waiting for them to come back?” Blaine asks.

“Obviously,” Kurt says, “But am I supposed to just sit around and wait? It’s been too long, Blaine. I am tired of waiting. I want to keep living.”

Blaine understands that, truly, but he’s trying to make Kurt understand why he’s worried without sounding like an entitled asshole. After all, this is Kurt’s life. Kurt is in this situation. Sure, Blaine’s stuck in it as well, like Kitty said, but it’s secondary to Kurt’s hurt.

A part of Blaine just desperately wants everything to turn back to normal.

They’re fine. Everything is fine most of the time, but Blaine still wishes he could just undo all of it. Things haven’t been the same since Blaine found Kurt on the kitchen floor, and he doesn’t like it.

“Sometimes, I feel like giving up,” Kurt admits.

“No, you can’t!” Blaine yells out in shock, making Kurt almost fall over. Blaine stops Kurt from falling by grabbing his arms.

“Blaine, I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. Sometimes, I just want to stop waiting. What am I even waiting for, really? I cannot even remember most of my life. All I have are snippets of things that don’t even make sense.”

“But you have to come back!” Blaine says, and he immediately regrets it when he sees how Kurt’s face hardens.

Kurt pulls himself free out of Blaine’s grip. “Is this what it’s all about? You- my God, I thought we were past this, but you still see me as two different people?”

“Kurt, wait-”

“I get that, Blaine,” Kurt cuts in, “I can understand that I am a different person now and that disorientates you, so I’m not mad at you for that, but you can’t keep holding on to things that you’ve lost. That we’ve lost.”

The irony is that Blaine thinks that ‘his’ Kurt and ‘this’ Kurt are becoming one, which freaks him out, but he decides not to say that right now. He doesn’t want it to be more confusing.

“But you don’t see me, don’t you?” Kurt states, and he looks hurt, “I am right here, Blaine. I’m sitting right in front of you.”

“I see you,” Blaine says.

“Do you, Blaine?” Kurt sighs sadly, “Do you really?”

“Well, then what do you want?” Blaine says back, “What do you expect from me? I’ve lost you, Kurt. And I- Well, fuck, I just miss the old you. You’re still great and no case of amnesia can change that, but aren’t I allowed to miss who you used to be? You’re not him, no matter how hard you try.”

And once again, Blaine just wants to slap himself. Kurt gets up and Blaine asks him to stop and that they can talk about it and _please, stay here with me_ , but Kurt shakes his head.

“I like you, Blaine,” Kurt says, almost close to tears, “In fact, I think I love you. But I can’t be in love with a man who keeps waiting for someone who might never return. Be with me here, or leave me.”

And Blaine…

Well, Blaine makes the biggest mistake. He remains silent.

Kurt takes in the silence and the next thing Blaine knows, he hears the front door shut and he’s all alone.

* * *

Wes takes one look at Blaine and he immediately pulls him into a hug.

“I think I messed up, Wes,” Blaine doesn’t hug back. He doesn’t have the energy. He just sat in his apartment, so numbed by Kurt’s confession, that he completely lost track of everything around him. After an unknown amount of time, Blaine snapped out of his funk.

Kurt’s gone.

Blaine needed Wes.

Wes leads Blaine inside. Mae is sitting at the kitchen table and she’s tapping on a tablet at a rapid pace. She looks up when she hears Wes and Blaine coming in, but she frowns when she sees the look on Blaine’s face.

“Don’t ask,” Blaine says immediately, “Let me just pretend that my life isn’t falling apart due to my own stupidity.”

“Well in that case, come here,” Mae says cheerfully and she holds up the tablet, “Wes and I are looking at floral arrangements. I’m team complementary colour scheme, but Wes wants a warm-cold colour scheme.”

Blaine allows himself to be lured into this conversation. Wes and Mae are incredibly cheery throughout the entire moment. Wes opens a bag of chips and a bottle of soda and it truly is nice. They laugh and talk and drink.

A few hours later, Mae and Blaine are giggling like teenagers while watching some trashy TV. Wes has left for something work-related, but Mae and Blaine don’t mind.

“Are you calm, Blaine?” Mae says carefully.

“Kind of,” Blaine says and he takes a sip of his drink. He knows what’s going to happen now. Classic Mae, waiting for him to be relaxed. “I told Kurt that I miss his old self and then I basically shut down when Kurt confessed that he might be in love with me and that he can’t stand it that I am waiting for his old self to come back.”

“You know he might not come back, right?”

“Yeah,” Blaine says sadly, “I know that, but a part of me just wants to live in denial.”

Mae turns off the television. “It’s not a bad thing to miss or grieve the person Kurt used to be,” she says seriously, “Lord knows how many times I went through that with my sibling.”

“Will it ever get easier?” Blaine asks sadly.

“Like all grief processes… yeah. One day, it’ll be bearable,” Mae says, sounding a bit melancholy, “But it’s also different for us, Blaine. We still get to see parts of the people we lost. ‘Your’ Kurt is still a part of Kurt, no matter what. I still see the traces of my sibling’s alters before integration. We can miss them and grieve them, but they’re never truly gone.”

“I love Kurt, even now, but I also cannot help but wonder the ‘what ifs?’, you know? What if his memories never disappeared?”

“No use crying over spilled milk, darling,” Mae says.

“True,” Blaine agrees, “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be sad.”

Mae scoots closer and the two of them sit in silence. Blaine knows he should go home to apologise to Kurt for implying that he can’t continue life, but it shows that there are still unsolved problems.

“What a way to start the new year,” Blaine says and Mae laughs sadly.

“Yeah. Cheers to 2028.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you’re unfamiliar with it, Mae’s sibling has DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder). I didn’t put much emphasis on it since a) it’s a Blaine POV and he already knows and b) I don’t think I’ll explore it much further in a future Kurt POV chapter. I added it to give Blaine someone he can talk to.


	16. Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the continuation of the Blaine POV. This is a longer one and it’s… well, I’m quite nervous to post this one since it’s time to delve into Blaine’s past a bit more. Lots of dialogue, but I am here for the communication.
> 
> _TW: mentions of past depression. See the end notes for more information._

**PART**

When Blaine comes home, the apartment is empty. Kurt’s phone and Springo are lying on the table in the living room. Kurt might be reintegrating in the 2020s, but he’s still going rogue.

Blaine doesn’t know what to do. Really, all he can do is wait. He showers and he cries. He heats up some leftovers and he eats in silence. He is so lonely that he asks Mimi for some trivia questions. But his AI is still an AI. Mimi doesn’t care about his feelings. Mimi doesn’t know how to rescue Blaine from this rut he’s stuck in.

He can’t call Kurt. Kurt’s gone rogue.

Around 10pm, Mimi indicates that Blaine’s gotten a text from Kitty.

_> He’s with me, Anderson_

Blaine knows that Kitty’s referring to Kurt, but he’s still a bit surprised. Kurt’s gone to _Kitty_? The thought of Kurt going to a friend hadn’t really occurred to Blaine, but Blaine would’ve imagined Kurt going to Rachel, not Kitty.

Blaine picks up his phone and he types a reply.

_> Thanks, Wilde_

_> I don’t think he’s going home._

Blaine takes a deep breath.

_> You mean, like, forever?_

The reply is quick.

 _> No doofus! I meant tonight. Jfc, sorry for worrying you. Roderick is literally singing him to sleep no one asked for this but then again, can you deny Rod’s singing??? _🥰

And despite everything, Blaine laughs. The mental image of Kurt tucked in with Roderick at his side is quite funny.

_> Good night, Wilde_

_> Good night, Anderson_

* * *

Kurt comes home at six in the morning. It looks like he expected Blaine to be asleep, because the moment he sees Blaine sitting in the living room, he stops and he tries to awkwardly walk away.

“Good morning,” Blaine says lightly, “Coffee’s brewing and it should be ready in a few minutes.”

“You’re up early,” Kurt says and Blaine laughs nervously. He never really went to sleep. He dozed off around 3am, but that’s it. He’s in the desperate need for coffee.

“I think we should talk,” Blaine gets straight to the point.

Kurt looks like he’d rather set himself on fire, but he forces himself to nod.

“Coffee first,” he says and Blaine wholeheartedly agrees. Blaine has never been a morning person, especially not now. He’s about to get up to check the coffee pot, but Kurt tells him to sit down and that he’ll do it. Alright then.

A minute later, Kurt comes back with two cups of steaming hot coffee. He hands one cup to Blaine and then he sits down next to him. Blaine drinks the coffee and he burns his mouth in the process, but he needs coffee.

“So.”

“So.”

The tension is palpable.

“Blaine, I’m sorry for-” “I must apologise for-”

The two of them look at each other.

“You go first,” Kurt says and he takes another sip of the coffee.

“I am sorry for holding you back,” Blaine starts, “I can’t imagine what it is must be like for you to be stuck like this. I should’ve known that you wanting to go on with your life doesn’t mean that you’re giving up. And even if it does, I will support you, since I also should’ve known that it feels terrible to constantly wait. You don’t need my approval or anything, but you can totally go back to Broadway if that is what your heart desires.”

Kurt nods slowly.

“Thank you for saying that,” Kurt says earnestly, and the tension slowly ebbs away. They can do this. They can have a grown up conversation about this.

“Just so you know, I am going to be on the front row when you get back on that stage,” Blaine says and Kurt smiles, “Opening night 2.0!”

“I have something to say as well,” Kurt quickly says.

Blaine nods and he makes a ‘go-on’ gesture.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said that I wanted to continue living my life, but you’re right. I should’ve discussed with you beforehand-”

“Kurt, no, that’s-”

“Please, let me talk. I have a lot to say.”

Blaine nods again.

“I am scared too, Blaine. I am scared shitless,” Kurt mutters and Blaine instinctively puts his hand on Kurt’s leg as reassurance. Kurt puts his hand on Blaine’s. “I thought- I had this idea in my head that if I would just go into life headfirst, everything would be fine. If I could just act confidently, I would actually become confident about where I currently am in life.”

Blaine has a question, but he remains silent. Kurt sees the look on Blaine’s face, so he nods. Blaine can ask.

“Are you- Do you actually want to be on Broadway, or are you just hoping that it will be fulfilling and that it will boost your confidence?”

“I truly want to be on Broadway, Blaine. I really am getting bored and I really want to do things, but it scares me,” Kurt answers, sounding very sure about the first part, but more nervous about the latter, “But I also hope that it will make me feel more at ease. But now that I’m actually working on making it happen, I am not sure if it will work like that. Maybe I’ll never be at ease.”

“You can always try. You can try again if the first time goes wrong.”

“I know that,” Kurt groans out, “Fuck, I know there’s no rush, but I’ve already lost fifteen years, Blaine! I don’t want to lose any more time, I’m tired of it!”

“Love, I am going to take that coffee cup now, before you start spilling on your fancy clothes,” Blaine says when he sees that Kurt’s shaking with… is it anger? Blaine puts his own cup down so that he can take Kurt’s.

“Don’t- Not now,” Kurt grumbles.

“What?”

“Please don’t call me ‘love’ right now.”

That stings, but Blaine nods. Last night, Kurt confessed that he is not in love with Blaine yet, but that it might happen. It had completely dumbfounded Blaine. He understands why the simple declaration of love is a bit much right now, but he hopes that it will be back soon.

“I know that you love me. And I know what I said last night, but this is also- Fuck, I don’t know what to do with you, Blaine!” Kurt sighs.

“What do you want, Kurt? I’d do anything for you. Do you want me to leave? I can probably crash at Wes and Mae-”

“No! I want you to be here,” Kurt says in shock and he immediately grabs Blaine’s hand, as if he’s physically stopping Blaine from leaving. Then again, Blaine wasn’t planning on leaving without an actual reason.

“But?”

“This is another thing that- You heard me yesterday, Blaine. All those things with you… I still want them,” Kurt confesses and Blaine’s heart skips a beat, “Being with you, having sex with you, loving you… heck, even marrying you. I want those things.”

“You still want to marry me?” Blaine asks quietly. Hopefully.

“Yes, of course! But not now. This is all too much, too soon, I can’t handle it. Who the hell gets married after five months? Not me!”

“Wait, do you want to call off the wedding?”

“Can we not talk about the wedding right now, please!” Kurt yells out and Blaine almost falls of the couch in shock at the sudden volume. Kurt apologises immediately.

“I am just trying to understand what you’re trying to say, lo-” Blaine stops himself before he can call Kurt ‘love’ again. It’s still a reflex that has gotten more prominent over the past few weeks. “You don’t want to talk about the wedding, but you do tell me that you want to marry me one day?”

“Sorry, sorry, I am just- I’m not really great with expressing my feelings.”

“You’ll get better at that, so no worries.” _After all, you’ve done it before._

This really isn’t new for Blaine. It reminds him of their first arguments as a couple. Kurt having problems talking about what he’s feeling and Blaine being too quick to judge. They will get better at this. They’ve done it before, they’ll do it again.

Blaine waits for Kurt to find his words.

“I thought that me going headfirst into life, including our relationship, would make it feel less scary. I want you, Blaine, but I’ve never been in love before. I don’t remember being with Adam, or with you, and over the past few months I’ve gotten a taste of it, and now I want more. That is a terrible metaphor.”

Blaine snorts. “It’s okay. I’ve heard worse from my friend David.”

“I want to continue life, truly. I really am tired of being held back by this here,” Kurt says and he taps his forehead, “But I think it’s not going to go like I expected it to go. And yesterday, while at Kitty’s, I realised that. I can’t rush things and that makes me sad and frustrated, but I can’t rush things. A part of me might forever be stuck in 2012, and I will have to deal with that.”

Kurt looks a bit confused by his confession, as if he’s wondering whether or not he should’ve said all that. Blaine is less conflicted.

“That is quite an epiphany,” Blaine says proudly. Kurt looks slightly abashed when he hears the pride in Blaine’s voice, but Blaine keeps pressing. “No really, Kurt, this is good for you. And I also meant what I said. You’re right and you should not be held back by my stupid, conflicted feelings. I was still kind of an ass towards you.”

“It is forgiven,” Kurt says.

“Can I say that I love you, or is that a bit too much? You don’t have to say it back!”

“Yes, you can. And I know.”

“Well, I love you a lot!”

The smile on Kurt’s face is genuine.

“So. Broadway, huh?” Blaine then says and Kurt nods proudly. Broadway is next!

* * *

They decide to go to bed early. They need it.

Blaine brushes his teeth and he washes his face before going to the bedroom. In the bedroom, he finds Kurt at his mother’s dresser and it looks like he’s cleaning it.

“Did you talk to your mom about today?” he asks.

Kurt looks up in shock, and Blaine thinks that’s silly. Blaine knows that Kurt talks to his mom, so Kurt has no reason to act like he’s caught in the middle of a scandalous act.

“A bit, yes. I wish she would talk back, but…” he trails off.

“Come to bed,” Blaine says.

“Yeah. And I will call my dad tomorrow. He needs to clear his calendar for my upcoming Broadway debut.”

“He’d fly out immediately,” Blaine says and he gets into bed. He’s more tired than expected. Then again, today was a heavy emotional day.

“Yeah. I should talk to him, but he’ll probably be biased,” Kurt sighs and he lies next to Blaine, “No offense, but sometimes I wish I could talk to someone less biased- someone who’s removed from all of this. You and my dad are a big part of my life, but that means you’re also very close to this.”

“None taken.”

“Good. Anyway, that’s why I sought out Kitty, since I barely know her. But then again, she knows me. She knows me better than I do, probably.”

Kurt turns off the light and that seems like the end of the conversation, but all of this has given Blaine an idea.

“Maybe you can talk about this with a therapist?” Blaine suggests.

Kurt snorts. “Yeah, right. A therapist. Let’s do that.”

Blaine winces at the tone. “You say that as if it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s- I don’t know,” Kurt says flatly.

Blaine tries not to be too hurt at this. He knows that the views on mental health were different in 2012 and 2013. There’s still a stigma surrounded mental health, even in 2028, but it’s way, way better than in 2012. Blaine remembers having the 2012 mindset himself, so he’s not here to judge.

“It can be good,” is all that Blaine says. He looks over, but he can only see Kurt’s outline in the dark.

“Do I have experience with it?” Kurt asks nervously.

“No,” Blaine answers, and then he takes a deep breath. He’s going to do it. Oh God, it feels like a leap of faith and a part of Blaine is still afraid that Kurt’s gonna dump him for it, especially since Kurt has an outdated mindset. But then he says: “I have.”

The silence hangs in the air and for a second, Blaine’s afraid he’s going to burst into tears. This is what he meant all those months ago, when he told his friends that he’s afraid of Kurt knowing him again.

But then Kurt asks: “Well, if it works, then that is okay. Good for you that you, uhm, well that you did that.”

It sounds awkward, but genuine. It reminds Blaine of his mother’s initial reaction to the news. All those years ago, she also was a bit uncomfortable with the idea, but she knew enough to understand that it was a good thing for Blaine.

“Thanks.”

Kurt might be uncomfortable with this honesty, but he’s never been an asshole. Blaine figures that Kurt knows to not make fun of someone for this, even with his 2012 mindset.

“Can I ask you why?”

“Sure,” Blaine says. But then Blaine yawns. “Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” Kurt agrees.

* * *

Blaine’s pretending to be asleep, just so that he has more time. Kurt’s already gotten up, cause the other side of the bed is cold and empty. Usually, that’s Blaine’s cue to wake up, since he can’t stand it, but for now, he waits.

Luckily, he’s known for sleeping in. At one point, Blaine hears the door open, but after pretending to be asleep, he hears the door close.

He wonders how long he can get away with this.

It’s not that he’s scared to talk about it. In fact, he’s somewhat open about it. He doesn’t really talk about it in detail, but his fans have noticed that Blaine does a lot for charities like Heads Up, Strong Minds and other charities about mental health, so they got that Blaine’s passionate about it.

But it still changes things. Even in 2028, people have preconceived notions about mental health, and Kurt is from 2012!

Blaine lies there for an unknown amount of time before realising that it’s getting ridiculous. He gets up and it’s time to face the music.

Kurt’s in the kitchen.

“Good morning, my sweet,” Kurt says absently, since he’s looking for something in the kitchen. The nickname makes Blaine feel warm. “I’m thinking about pancakes. How about you?”

“Uh-”

“Yeah, pancakes are great!” Kurt doesn’t wait for an answer, “Hey Lizzie?”

“Good morning, Kurt,” Lizzie says from the kitchen counter.

“Can you Google some strange pancake toppings for me?”

“I do not understand.”

“Uhm, Lizzie Google pancake toppings.”

“I do not understand,” Lizzie says again in her monotone voice. Blaine wants to interject, since this is quite funny, but Kurt continues asking Lizzie to Google pancakes.

“Lizzie, Google pancake chocolate butter sugar cream syrup fruit – what else is a topping?”

Blaine shakes his head. “Kurt, love, that is-”

Lizzie interrupts him. “I do not understand.”

Kurt gives Lizzie a strange look. “Lizzie, what is going on?”

Blaine laughs. “Kurt, Google is gone. Lizzie doesn’t know anything about Google.”

“Oh, right,” Kurt says, “I still can’t believe all of that is gone. You know what, forget the AI thing. Let’s do it the old-fashioned way. Well, that is fine! We can just improvise topping with the stuff that we have. Also, do you like a lot of pancakes, or should we go a bit more ‘low-key’? My brother-”

Kurt falls silent for a while. He shakes his head and says: “Finn used to eat loads of pancakes, but I always got full after two or three of them. Then again, I used a lot of toppings. What toppings do you like the most? Should we make a lot of pancakes for a lot of toppings?”

Kurt again doesn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he continues to walk around the kitchen and he’s rambling about breakfast.

Blaine knows what he’s doing.

He’s stalling as well. He’s just as nervous.

“Kurt, let’s just talk, okay?”

Kurt looks over his shoulder. “What?”

“Let’s talk,” Blaine says and he takes a seat at their kitchen island.

“But… pancakes?”

“You can make pancakes while talking,” Blaine says calmly, even though he’s probably as stressed. Yet, one of them has to be the stable one. “So, yesterday evening was quite an evening.”

Kurt looks a bit frozen. He clearly wants to continue stalling, but he also knows that they promised to talk about it. So he nods. “Did you put the eggs in the fridge again?”

“They belong in the fridge!”

“They do not, Blaine Devon Anderson!”

“Ooooh, full name?” Blaine raises his eyebrow.

Kurt start with his mixing his pancake batter and Blaine realises it is finally time to stop stalling.

“Therapy?” Kurt says awkwardly.

“Yes, I went to therapy.”

“And why is that?”

Goddamnit. Even though Blaine’s been awake for a while, he needs coffee.

“I kind of went off the rails when I left for college,” Blaine says. It’s one way of saying it.

“How so?”

Blaine takes a small pause. He’s better, truly, so it’s not too painful to talk about his hectic period before New York, but he doesn’t really know how to say it. He can say it very boringly and factual, or he can tell a more emotional but harrowing story.

“Well, Sebastian played a role in it-” Kurt tenses up “-but there was so much more going on. The ever growing pressure of my father, my parents’ divorce, and me feeling incredibly lost. I moved from a sheltered boarding school, known for weed, to the state’s capital. I might’ve been born in Columbus, but I always lived in a wealthy suburb and I spent my teen years in Westerville, so moving closer to the center was quite a difference. I thought I was ready, but I was not.”

“Yeah. I get that,” Kurt says silently.

“Sebastian’s told me that he’s told you what has happened.” Blaine’s also noticed that Kurt has gotten more distant when it comes to Sebastian. “I know that he’s told you his perspective and I can confirm the story.”

“Yikes,” Kurt immediately says and Blaine snorts.

“We broke up when he left for Paris and I, well, I didn’t know what to do with my life. For a long time, Sebastian was my life. I went to college for music in Columbus, since I’ve always dreamed of doing music, but it did not go well.”

Kurt mixes the pancake mix and he looks very disgusted. “Can I ask you something, or do you want me to ask questions after you’re done?”

“Ask away,” Blaine says. He might need a breather.

Kurt frowns at his pancake mix and he asks: “Why did you forgive Sebastian? How could you forgive Sebastian?”

Blaine’s gotten that question a lot, mostly from Wes. All his old Dalton friends wonder why Blaine and Sebastian are friends, so Blaine has his answer ready: “I don’t think I did.”

Kurt looks up in confusion. “You didn’t?”

“Or maybe I did? I don’t know, Kurt, it certainly looks like I forgave him, so maybe I did,” Blaine sighs. This question has left him awake too many times. “All I know is that I want to stop looking back at the past and put my focus on the present and the future. We’re fine, we’re _friends_ , but I’m not letting him off the hook. And if I’m not doing it, then Wes is the one keeping Sebastian in check. Or Adam, but mostly Wes.”

“Sebastian did say that Wes probably hates him.”

“He does,” Blaine clarifies, “He’s civil with Sebastian for my sake and sure, time does wonders, so Wes truly enjoys Sebastian’s company sometimes, but they will never be friends and God knows what Wes tells Sebastian when I’m not there. Sebastian has told me that Wes has the tendency to be very harsh and rude towards him.”

“Doesn’t it bother you that two of your friends are on the fence like that?”

Blaine shrugs. People who know about Wes and Sebastian’s difficult relationship often think that Blaine is bothered by Wes’s behaviour, but honestly, if Blaine were given the choice between telling Wes to stop and reminding Sebastian that he’s given Wes reasons to dislike him, he’d choose the latter.

This is why Blaine is sure he hasn’t fully forgiven Sebastian yet. If he had, he probably would make Wes stop.

But enough about Sebastian.

“Just to be clear, Sebastian definitely contributed to my declining mental health, but he isn’t the sole reason. But yeah, I was studying music and I had a great place to stay and Columbus is a nice city, and I kept thinking to myself: ‘I am supposed to be happy. Why am I not happy?’. Well, uhm, this led to me feeling guilty all the time. I couldn’t enjoy a single thing, which would fuel the guilt, which made me not enjoy things, which would make me feel even more guilty… and so on.”

“Like a spiral?” Kurt asks. He puts the pancake mix into the frying pan, but he’s still clearly listening. Blaine had expected him to be have more comments, but Kurt just lets Blaine talk.

“Basically,” Blaine says sadly, “I was so lost, Kurt. Everything I knew was gone. My school had been my safe haven for so long, my life had been about Sebastian for too long, my family was dysfunctional, but it was something I was familiar with. When all that fell apart… All I had ever known was being smashed into pieces during the time I needed the stability. And that put me in a rut.

I just… I didn’t feel anything, you know? So I drank a lot. I found my solace in alcohol. The reason I don’t drink is because I used it as an unhealthy coping mechanism and one way for getting better was sobering up. I was living with Wes at the time, since he studied law at OSU, and he hated to see me like that.”

Blaine doesn’t tell about the many nights he spent crying with Wes rubbing his hand on Blaine’s back, or the times Wes freaked out because Blaine had left without taking his phone, or the time Wes had to cancel a first date to come home and make dinner for Blaine, since Blaine was too tired and upset to do it himself. That will be for another time.

“What- uhm, what made it stop?” Kurt asks.

“Hm?” Blaine tilts his head in confusion.

“Like, what made you stop and think: ‘Oh, this is bad.’ Or did Wes state an intervention, since that is something he would do.”

Blaine thinks for a while. He never really had a big reason. One day, he just had an epiphany and he realised that he could not go on. Many people expect him to have this huge revelation, or people expect him to almost die and realise life is precious, or people think others made him realise what’s going on.

But for Blaine?

“I realised that I wanted to keep on living.”

Kurt and Blaine’s eyes meet. It’s the same thing that Kurt’s told Blaine, but there are obviously different circumstances.

“To me, it wasn’t that I wanted to die. I wanted to live, but I didn’t know how.”

The scent of burning pancakes truly ruins the mood, but Kurt doesn’t hurry to turn off the electric cooking plate. Instead, the two of them stare at each other, letting the words sink in. It’s been a while since Blaine talked about it and this is all new for Kurt.

Blaine doesn’t want to set fire to their gorgeous apartment, though, so he coughs and nods towards the burning pancakes.

Kurt looks behind him. “Oh. Right.”

“I don’t think pancakes will do, love,” Blaine says. His eyes widen when he realises he’s called Kurt ‘love’ again, but Kurt doesn’t comment on it.

“Can’t we just get something from Pret?” Kurt asks while throwing away the remnants of the burnt pancakes.

Blaine jumps off the barstool. He is itching to leave. “Sure. Let me get dressed and I’ll get it. We can basically have an early lunch.”

“You’re the one who slept till 11:30am, Blaine,” Kurt says jokingly.

Blaine shrugs half-heartedly. “Ah well…”

* * *

When Blaine comes back with their late breakfast/early lunch, Kurt’s in the bedroom, cleaning his mother’s dresser again.

Kurt sniffs the air and he gets a blissful look on his face. “Oh that smells good. I am starving.”

When they’ve unpacked everything and they’re enjoying their food, Blaine asks how Kurt feels about their earlier conversation.

Kurt was extremely patient and calm, which is something Blaine did not expect.

He was almost sure that Kurt would at least resent him in some way. Blaine wasn’t kidding when he voiced his fears all those months ago. It was terrifying to tell Kurt all of this, since Blaine is afraid it would change things, but why?

He watches Kurt think about his answer. There is no trace of disgust or annoyance.

Maybe Blaine was sort of projecting on him. Did Blaine truly have a reason to think that Kurt would look down on him for this? Or was it just his own fear and anxiety?

“I don’t really know how to feel or act,” Kurt admits, and Blaine can understand that, “All I do know is that I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell me and that I am proud of you.”

Yeah. Blaine definitely did not expect that reaction. Of course he did consider the more positive options, but those were all cautiously optimistic, the bare minimum, not this.

Blaine has a stunned look on his face and it makes Kurt squirm a little bit, but that is how Blaine feels.

“I love you,” he says automatically.

He is about to remind Kurt that he does not have to say it back, but Kurt takes his hand and smiles warmly.

He did not say it back, but it is something.

“How do you feel about the idea of talking to a therapist?” Blaine asks.

Kurt pulls a face. “I don’t know. I admit that this is all a bit weird and new for me. I know it isn’t bad, but there is a difference between knowing and feeling, you know what I mean?”

Blaine squeezes his hand. “You don’t have to. For some people, it doesn’t work. For some people, it does. It certainly worked for me.”

“I am glad.”

“I am too.”

That’s it. They’ve talked enough for now and they’re spent. They will obviously come back to this, but not now. They spend the rest of the day having fun and enjoying each other’s company. Adam drops in unannounced and the three of them have dinner. It’s a nice day, which is something they both needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaine talks about his experiences with therapy and depression.
> 
> I am about to move countries, so it might take a while for the next update. Anyway, up next:
> 
>  **love**  
>  /lʌv/ 
> 
> _noun_
> 
>   1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
>   2. a great interest and pleasure in something.
> 

> 
> _verb_
> 
>   1. feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone)
> 



	17. Quarrel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back, you sorry bastards!
> 
> I hope someone gets that reference but uhm, hi, dober dan from Slovenia. As I mentioned, a lot of crazy stuff happened since the last update but suddenly, inspiration struck and I completely threw away my old plans for this chapter and I churned out 3,6K+ words in two days. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Oh, fun fact: the charity Heads Up (mentioned in the previous chapter) is made up by me. I created it for an unpublished Check, Please! fanfic. Jack Zimmermann runs it, and it’s about mental health awareness in sports.

**QUARREL**

Someone knocks on the door. This person doesn’t wait for Kurt to tell them to come in, because the door flings open. Rachel is looking very beautiful in her long gown.

“Knock knock!”

“You’re already inside,” Kurt says and he rolls his eyes playfully.

“I am just very enthusiastic, Kurt.”

“There is no need for the afterparty,” Kurt says, but he gets a warm feeling when he thinks about the afterparty. Everyone’s treating this as a real Broadway debut. Well, Kurt guesses that it is a real Broadway debut, since he cannot remember his initial debut.

“There is always need for the afterparty, Kurt,” Rachel laughs, “I know I am supposed to be in the audience with the others, but I am just here to deliver more flowers.”

Kurt looks around, but he cannot see a fresh bouquet in Rachel’s hands. Then, Rachel steps aside to reveal a huge gift basket with flowers, candy and a bottle of wine.

“Oh my days,” Kurt has to blink a couple of times. He cannot believe it. Ever since word got out that Kurt Hummel was returning to Broadway, people have been sending him gifts and flowers. Kurt isn’t fully back in the role. He’s starting out as the understudy for his original understudy, who has become the principal performer after Kurt’s accident, but Kurt doesn’t mind. It’s still _Broadway_!

The last three weeks have been crazy. He was reintroduced to the show, its theatre and the company. He got his old dressing room back, which was mostly left intact, and some memories have resurfaced, but isn’t much.

Kurt was shocked to find that he still knows the lyrics to one of his many solo’s, though.

Rachel needs Kurt’s help with moving the gift basket inside the room. “It’s from Mr. Schue, Mrs. Pillsbury and the kids.”

Kurt sometimes can’t believe that Mr. Schue and Mrs. Pillsbury finally got it together and that they now have several children, but Kurt sometimes also can’t believe that he’s lost fifteen years of his life, so he takes it for what it is. Kurt’s been told that their first son is named after Finn and he really appreciates the gesture. Danny Finn Schuester-Pillsbury is turning 13 this year, which makes Kurt realise that his brother’s death truly is old news to everyone around him, but that is how it is.

So yes, they got him a huge gift. There’s a card and Kurt smiles when he sees all the little drawings. The kids must really like drawing. Maybe Kurt should meet them when he goes back to Lima.

Mr. Schue isn’t the only person from the glee club who has given him flowers. Every member of the glee club has sent at least something, with Sam’s being the most outrageous. All the New Directions alumni living in New York are in the audience and so are Tina, Artie and Mercedes, who flew out to see him. The reunion was short, but heartfelt, and Kurt knows that he will have the time to catch up during the afterparty. A part of him is more nervous about that than about his damn Broadway debut.

The lights start to flicker and a voice on the intercom says that it’s almost time to begin.

“Good luck,” Rachel says before hurrying back to her seat.

Kurt watches his reflection in the mirror and he takes a deep breath. He can do this. He is wearing his costume, he’s mic’d up, he knows his lines and songs. His dream is coming true. He nods at his reflection before following his cast members to the stage.

Others cheer and slap his back as he passes. The company has been wonderful ever since Kurt’s gotten back to the stage. Kurt is sad to realise that he cannot remember a single thing about all these people, but they understand and they aren’t mad when Kurt has to ask someone’s name again.

Kurt’s character isn’t on stage when the lights go on and the curtain rises, but he’s on soon. He watches his cast members sing the opening number, introducing Kurt’s character, and Kurt waits for his cue to begin.

After three minutes or so, Kurt takes another deep breath before running on stage and the applause is tremendously loud. Kurt blinks at the sudden stoplight, but he doesn’t have time to think about it. He has a role to play.

* * *

Right after Kurt and Blaine’s quarrel, Blaine had asked Kurt if he misses who he used to be.

“I don’t know. How can I miss being someone who I can't remember?” Kurt had replied. He can’t miss the things he lost, since he doesn’t know what he’s missing. Sometimes, he yearns to know, though.

But not tonight.

Not while he’s taking his first bow on Broadway and the audience is roaring. Blaine and his dad are the loudest of them all. He knows that he’s felt this mix of joy, relief, happiness and utter pride before, but he doesn’t mind not remembering, because now he can completely absorb every minute of his night. He loves it all.

* * *

Kurt’s not used to having a lot of money. He’s not used to his friends having a lot of money. So when he enters the hotel lobby that Rachel and Jesse have hired for the afterparty, he’s stunned into silence. It is enormous for a relatively small group of people.

The group is small for the huge room, but there are still a lot of people here especially for Kurt. Some of the New Directions are here. Friends like Sebastian, Adam, Mae, Wes, Dani, Clara, Luke and Elliott are here as well. All of the cast and crew of the musical are invited too.

Rachel, Jesse and Sebastian had also insisted on inviting some other Broadway actors and the press, so that it would all be turned into a nice story for Broadway.com and Playbill, but apart from a few interviews, Kurt isn’t being roped into promotional stuff all night.

He doesn’t really freak out about the Broadway people. Rachel and Jesse have introduced him to some of them, but they all got big during the 15 years that Kurt’s lost, so he doesn’t know them very well. Maybe it’s better that way. Now, he can just get to know them. If Idina Menzel were here, he’d just look like an idiot.

Kurt’s a bit overwhelmed. All these people are here for him.

His dad and Carole are also here.

“Boys!” Carole runs towards Kurt and Blaine when she sees them and she extends her arms.

Kurt happily accepts her hug. His dad is not as quick, but he’s also lost some of his mobility. Carole lets go of Kurt to hug Blaine and Kurt wraps his arms around his father.

“I’m proud of you, Kurt,” his dad says softly.

“Thanks dad.”

Kurt makes the rounds and he tries to talk to everyone, but the moment he arrives at the New Directions table, he’s hooked.

Kitty grabs him and she presses a kiss on his cheek. It’s a bit uncomfortable, but Kitty does it effortlessly, so Kurt assumes it’s something from their past friendship. Jesse is bragging about the show, but apart from Rachel, no one pays attention to him. Roderick slaps him on the back. Mercedes wraps him into a tight hug and Tina and Artie congratulate him on his debut.

“Thank you for coming,” Kurt says earnestly. He knows that Mercedes has a very busy schedule and he knows that Artie and Tina are talking about a new project as well. Still, they found the time to fly to New York.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, hon,” Mercedes says, “I’ve done it once, so I can definitely do it again.” Mercedes’s face falls when she realises what she said.

Tina’s eyes widen and she looks at Mercedes in shock, but Kurt just laughs and says: “I’m not planning on a third Broadway debut, so take it all in.”

Tina laughs nervously and Artie also looks a bit uneasy.

“Oh guys, come on! It’s been months since my accident. I’m over it,” Kurt reassures them. He doesn’t want the night to be awkward. Kurt is aware that there will definitely be some more shallowness and awkwardness, but he’d like to avoid it for as much as possible.

Tina takes his hand and frowns. “Are you really?”

“Guys-”

“We just want you to be happy, Kurt,” Artie cuts in, “We’re not here to rain on your parade. We’re here to enjoy the evening and to celebrate your night, but we worry.”

Mercedes also nods. “Kurt, apart from some fleeting conversations, we’ve barely spoken. We understand why you kept us away, but I hope you can also understand why the lack of information worries us.”

“I’m-” Kurt swallows. “Well, I might never get over it, but I am making peace with that. I’m really great, guys. I- yeah, I am good. I’m happy.”

Tina squeezes his hand and smiles widely. “Rachel has been keeping most of us up to date, but it’s nice to hear it from you personally.”

“Okay, sad and deep stuff is over! Let’s talk about your outfit!” Mercedes says happily, “You probably don’t remember it, but you wore it to Blaine’s first Grammy nomination.”

“I did?” Kurt asks, surprised. He’s usually not keen on recycling outfits, but since he can’t remember the first time, it doesn’t matter. He found the suit in the back of his closet and he immediately loved it.

“Oh, are we talking about the suit?” Roderick jumps in and the next thing Kurt knows, the entire table is talking about fashion. He knows that there are many more guests, but they can wait. His glee club is here, and yes, that includes Kitty and Roderick.

“Please, the real snack of the room, apart from Rod, is Blaine!” Kitty says at one point. Kurt raises his eyebrow at the word “snack”, so Artie quickly explains that it’s late 2010s slang and that Kitty’s never grown out of it.

“Oh, piss off, Artie,” she says jokingly before continuing to talk about Blaine’s good looks.

Kurt looks over his shoulder. Blaine is talking with Sebastian and Adam. Kurt still isn’t entirely sure how to feel about Blaine hanging out with Sebastian, but when Blaine looks up and sees Kurt staring, he smiles warmly, and Kurt doesn’t care about anything else.

He quickly turns away. God, he’s acting like a high schooler. And yes, Kurt knows that he’s only a year out of high school, but it still feels like ages ago. Well, technically, it is.

“I refuse to call my boyfriend a snack,” Kurt says, “But yes, he looks very handsome. As ever.” Kurt starts to blush. Which is ridiculous. He shouldn’t be embarrassed about telling his friend that his boyfriend (fiancé?) is handsome, but it feels unreal. Mercedes is right. They’ve barely spoken, so Kurt is just happy that he can gush with Mercedes, just like they used to do in sophomore year of high school.

But now he actually has a boyfriend to gush about.

“You’re endearing when you blush, Kurt,” Kitty says smugly.

“As if you aren’t smitten by Roderick, Kit-Kat,” Kurt says back and Kitty looks like he’s slapped him in the face. Ah, he probably has done something he used to do before the amnesia kicked in. Kurt doesn’t want to dwell on it, not on his damn opening night, so he says: “I can appreciate a good man and I happen to have the best.”

Suddenly, someone taps on Kurt’s shoulder. It’s Blaine.

“You talking about me, love?” Blaine says smugly.

Kurt dramatically rolls his eyes. “I’d never!”

Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt from behind and he leans his chin on Kurt’s shoulder. He’s probably tip-toeing and the thought makes Kurt snicker.

“What is so funny?” Blaine whispers in his ear.

“Nothing,” Kurt says back.

“You were amazing today,” Blaine says.

“Well, you keep saying that. You said that even before it was time for me to go on. You told me during intermission. You told me after the show. You told me at least ten times this evening how amazing I am.”

“Hmmm. I’m right,” Blaine says warmly, “I’m so proud of you. You’ve done so much in the past few weeks.”

“And you were there for me,” Kurt says back. It’s true. Blaine was there at his first rehearsal, since Kurt felt nervous about going back in. Blaine listened to Kurt when Kurt told him that he didn’t want to start therapy since he’d be too busy with the show, and Blaine talked about it with him and he understood and said: “Maybe another time.” Blaine is writing a new album, so he’s swamped with work himself, but he still is home every night to be with Kurt.

Blaine presses a kiss on the back of Kurt’s neck.

Someone coughs and both Kurt and Blaine remember that they’re not alone.

“You guys need a minute alone?” Rachel says and she winks.

“It’s fine. I gotta talk to Elliott about something, so I’ll be out of you guys’ hairs,” Blaine says and he literally bows out. He even does the hand gesture.

Kurt watches him go with a smitten look on his face.

“And Kurt is far gone,” Roderick says jokingly.

Yeah, Roderick is right. Kurt is far, far gone.

* * *

The night goes on like that. Kurt eventually does leave the New Directions table to also talk with his other guests. The people of his company are still a little bit unknown to him, but they’re nice and they’re all very happy to be able to work with him again. After all, Kurt’s a Tony winner.

Kurt finally gets more time to get to know the people who work behind the scenes. He’s seen the people who help with the costumes and some people from tech a lot, but now he’s finally able to talk to the people from lightning properly.

There is also music playing and of course, there is a karaoke machine and Rachel dominates it. People are dancing and singing and overall just having a good time.

After two hours or so, people started to slowly leave and Kurt is busy saying his goodbyes. His dad and Carole also leave around midnight, since they’re old and tired. After a while, the first wave of goodbyes seems to end and Kurt notices Mercedes sitting by herself.

“See anyone interesting?” Kurt asks.

“Kurt, you know that I am with Sam,” Mercedes says. Kurt stops in his tracks. He does recall Mercedes telling him about that, but as Mercedes pointed out earlier in the evening, they haven’t properly talked yet. He’d sort of forgotten about it.

“I heard he couldn’t make it.”

“He wishes you the best of luck, though!” Mercedes immediately says and Kurt laughs. He definitely knows that. Mercedes arrived in New York with a huge bouquet of flowers from Sam as an apology for him not being there.

Kurt just doesn’t really understand their relationship status. He’s slowly recalling the small titbits that Mercedes has told him, but he’s been so busy with his own life that he doesn’t really keep track of the lives of his friends.

Blaine’s told Kurt that Sam moved to New York to fulfil his dream of being half naked on a side of a bus and then he moved back home to Lima. And he’s happy there. Mercedes lives in Los Angeles, so they’re sort of doing long distance without knowing where they’re heading. Mercedes wouldn’t be happy in Lima, but Sam doesn’t need the speed of a big city. It’s quite complicated and Kurt wonder if they’ll last. He hopes they’ll last for their sake.

“Mercedes, can I ask you something?”

“Surely.”

“I hope I don’t come off rude, but I’ve lost 15 years and I am just trying to understand. Uhm, why are you and Sam together, even though the odds seem to be against your favour?”

“Not rude, dear, you’ve asked me this before, right after this entire arrangement started,” Mercedes says calmly.

“What was your answer then?”

“Same as it is now,” Mercedes says and she a small smile forms on her lips, “We love each other.”

Ah, love. Kurt should’ve seen it coming. He looks around the room for Blaine, but the venue is quite big and there are still quite some people. Love has been on Kurt’s mind for a while. He thinks he can be in love with Blaine, but he doesn’t know how it goes. He’s a sucker for movies about love and he’s fantasised about being in love ever since he was a kid, but actually being in love? Kurt has no idea. When he was a teen, at one point, he even looked up the actual definition in the dictionary.

“What is it, Kurt?” Mercedes asks when she sees the look on Kurt’s face.

Kurt turns back to her and he confides in her. He tells her everything that’s on her mind and to his surprise and slight annoyance, Mercedes burst out laughing.

“This isn’t funny,” he hisses and he turns away from some people who started looking at them, “I am in a deep crisis here.”

Tears are forming in Mercedes’s eyes and she’s bowled over with laughter.

“Mercedes!” Kurt hisses again, but a bit louder this time, “Focus!”

He snaps his fingers real quick, but that makes Mercedes laugh even more.

Mercedes wipes her tears away and she slowly calms down, but she’s still giggling when she says: “Oh Kurt, sorry, but this is so fucking funny. You _think_ you _could_ _be_ in love with Blaine? Are you hearing yourself, boy?”

“Yes, that is exactly what I am saying and I fail to see the joke,” Kurt says seriously. The tone of voice must’ve shaken Mercedes out of her funk.

She’s still a bit playful, but she’s calmed down mostly. “Kurt, have you seen yourself today? I haven’t seen you since what? August? When did the memory loss happen? Anyway, I haven’t seen you in a long ass time and the first time we meet again, you’re all over Blaine. You’re either super focused on your show, or you’re definitely in love with Blaine. It’s like the Vine ‘heart eyes motherfucker’, but in real life!”

Kurt knows that Vine, since Adam has sent him a lot of Vine compilations in the past few weeks, and he blushes. “Am I- Is it- how-”

“Spit it out!”

“I don’t want to mess this up, Mercedes,” Kurt admits, “My only brush with love was my crush on my stepbrother and that was just a big fat crush. Not like this!”

“Kurt, I remember you looking up the exact definition of love in our junior year. Has it ever occurred to you to just allow yourself to feel?”

“I am feeling, Mercedes. That is the thing. I am feeling a lot!”

“Good,” Mercedes says and she looks around. She lowers her voice and the playful look on her face is replaced by a serious one. “I know you’re young, Kurt. You’re what? Nineteen, right?”

“Almost twenty,” Kurt says. It doesn’t matter that he’s technically turning thirty-five. To Kurt, he’s almost twenty. That’s how he feels and that’s what it is. It is actually quite nice of Mercedes to acknowledge that.

“Exactly. And I remember twenty-something Kurt Hummel. I used to live in New York for a while. I’m sure the others have told you that.”

“Yeah, together with Sam and Artie,” Kurt nods.

“So yeah, I got the first-hand experience of twenty-something Kurt Hummel. From the few hours that we’ve spent together today, I can see you’ve grown a lot in the past few months, but Kurt, I know how you can easily close yourself off. I know it is difficult for you to admit things or ask for help. I know you’re probably stressed out about this, but trust me when I tell you that you gotta trust your gut feeling. I know you can do it, because you’ve done it before.”

Mercedes looks somewhere and Kurt follows her gaze. They see Blaine.

“You see that man?” Mercedes says.

Kurt nods.

Blaine is talking to one of the Broadway actors, and by now Kurt knows that she’s known for Hadestown, Blaine’s favourite show. He has no idea what they’re talking about, but Blaine looks so passionate and invested in the conversation.

He’s just so wonderful and passionate and caring. This isn’t an act. This isn’t a face that he only puts on for Kurt. He’s just genuinely amazing and it is almost hard to grasp the fact that this same man used to suffer so much, because he always kept a positive side.

And something in Kurt’s mind just clicks.

There is no magical moment where the love brings all the memories back. There is no instant clarity. There is no big epiphany. There is no moment that makes Kurt stop and think, _Oh there you are, I’ve been looking for you forever_. All that Kurt has are fleeting memories that he can’t even fully understand.

It’s not like the movies, but despite all of that, it just makes sense. Blaine makes sense. He’s the only thing that has made sense from the very beginning. Ever since Kurt woke up on the kitchen floor, Blaine’s made sense.

“What do you think right now?” Mercedes asks.

“That he is the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my entire life,” Kurt replies automatically.

“Usually, I’d take offence by that, but just for now I’m gonna agree with you there,” Mercedes says.

The woman from Hadestown and Blaine share some goodbyes and Blaine looks around. When he sees Kurt staring, he smiles brightly and he starts to walk towards Kurt and Mercedes. He has such a happy look on his face and he looks like he’s going to kiss Kurt.

But Kurt beats him to it.

Kurt gets up from his seat and he flings himself around Blaine and he kisses him deeply. Mercedes whistles in the background, but she disappears to the back of Kurt’s mind.

“What was that for?” Blaine asks when Kurt pulls away. He has an amazed look on his face.

“I love you,” Kurt blurts out.

Blaine blinks a couple of times before his entire face lights up. “I love you too.”

Mercedes claps politely and Blaine’s face scrunches up in confusion. “What is that all about?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Kurt says and he leans in to kiss Blaine again.

A song starts playing on the karaoke machine. It is a slow song and people are starting to dance. Kurt doesn’t know what it is, but one of his cast members sings: “ _All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own/But now I wanna hold you, too._ ”

“How ironic,” Blaine says. Kurt doesn’t really understand why Blaine finds it ironic, but to Kurt, the song is spot on.

He asks Blaine why he thinks it’s ironic.

“You don’t remember, but our first date was Hadestown. We saw it right after it opened. That is why it is my favourite musical. This song is the first big love song of the show.”

Kurt’s eyes widen. “How ironic.”

“How amazing.”

Blaine takes Kurt’s hand and he drags him to the dance floor to join the many, many couples who are already dancing to this song. It’s not like Kurt expected his first love confession to happen this way, but it is perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe it when I tell you that back in December, I completely changed the entire timeline of this story in order to have Kurt and Blaine go and see Hadestown on their first date?
> 
> Yup. I did that.
> 
> In the earliest versions of my story, Kurt and Adam immediately broke up in 2017 when Blaine arrived in the city, but I just really, really love Hadestown and I think Blaine would love it so much, so I truly rearranged my entire Advent fic idea and I stretched the entire Adam/Kurt storyline out all because of this damn show.


	18. Reasonable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a while. Now that we’re in april, I’ve surpassed last year’s advent with writing time. Boy, a lot has changed since the last chapter. In a month, the entire world got turned upside down. I hope you all are safe and healthy and stay the hell inside.
> 
> I have been incredibly busy with university (doing an exchange during a pandemic is interesting) and, well, Animal Crossing. But here I am again with a new chapter. Everyone’s grown up and Kurt’s finally getting it.

**REASONABLE**

One day, Kurt gets a call. Lizzie reads the caller ID out loud. It’s Santana.

“Hello?” he says when he picks up, “Santana?”

“Sup bitch,” Santana says and Kurt realises that it’s the first time in months that he’s heard her voice. She doesn’t sound any different, but Kurt’s seen some photos. He knows that she’s grown older as well. She also dyes her hair blonde every now and then. Apparently, it is for no reason and Kurt doesn’t question it.

“Hi, how are you?” Kurt asks, because wow, he really wants to know. They’ve texted, just like Kurt texted with all the other New Directions members, but they haven’t really talked.

“Good, okay, let’s cut the crap,” Santana says quickly. Alright. No time to catch up. “I am calling for our annual meeting, but you probably don’t know about it and I’m not sure if your future hubby has told you.”

“Wait. What?” Kurt knows that it can’t be a professional meeting. Now that he’s back on stage, he also has access to his digital calendar and Santana isn’t on the list.

“So, every year, we drive up to New York to chill with you guys. Rachel, Jesse, Kitty and Roderick are obviously expecting us, but I decided to call you, just to be sure. Fuck, I can totally imagine that Blaine’s completely forgotten about it.”

“Oh, uhm, Blaine hasn’t said a word,” Kurt admits. Just like Santana, he can completely understand. “When will you be here?”

“Like, in three days? This weekend?”

“This weekend?” Kurt yells out. Just then, the front door opens and Blaine’s home from a meeting. He’s been having those a lot lately, since the album isn’t progressing as he’d hoped. A few seconds later, he steps into the living room and Kurt waves to get his attention. Santana is talking to him about hotels and restaurants, but he barely hears it.

Blaine makes a phone hand shape and he frowns.

“Santana is on the phone.”

Blaine’s face immediately changes. He must’ve realised why Santana is calling.

“Wait, Santana!” Kurt cuts her off, “Blaine is here.” He puts the phone on speakerphone and Blaine sits next to him. He looks slightly ashamed. He knows he could’ve prevented this information dump. Kurt squeezes his hand as a sign that he is not mad at him.

“Hey Santana,” Blaine says.

“Ah okay, so, you haven’t told Kurt about our annual tradition,” Santana sounds condescending, but Kurt doesn’t know if she’s joking or not. Santana’s vagueness hasn’t changed. “The three of us are coming this weekend, Blaine.”

“Ah. Yes. I must’ve forgotten.”

“Obviously,” Santana says and Kurt imagines her rolling her eyes, “But given the circumstances, I get why you forgot to tell your man. We’re all grasping in the dark as well. Isabel has no idea what to draw for this year.”

_Isabel?_

Blaine laughs a bit. “Maybe a Broadway theatre? Kurt had his debut a while ago.”

“And we’re damn proud of you, Kurt,” Santana says and they can hear Brittany cheer in the background. It warms his heart. They had also sent flowers and a nice card. They signed it with _“love from the LoPierces”_ , which confirms that they’re married.

“Wait, go back to this annual thing. What is it?”

“Honestly, it is just a way for Rachel to show off,” Blaine says and Santana bursts into laughter.

“He’s not wrong!” she says through the laughter.

“Rachel started the tradition after Brittany and Santana settled in New Jersey. It’s close enough for an annual New York based reunion. But lately, she uses it to reveal big news.”

“Fuck, remember that time when she temporarily left New York for a shitty TV show?” Santana laughs again and Kurt knows about that. Rachel has told him with a lot of pain and regret in her voice. The show truly was bad. “Oh, that was some fucked up shit.”

“Language, Santana!” Brittany yells from the back, but it only makes everyone laugh. Santana would never watch her language.

Unless…

_The three of us?_

Blaine continues the explanation: “But basically, we hang out for the weekend and we also have a lunch at our place on Saturday-” Kurt’s head jerks towards Blaine “-and we try to see a show with Isabel and one without her. We try to keep it low profile, but Rachel always manages a way to upstage it.”

“Wait, why are we hosting a lunch?” Kurt says. He’s been to Rachel and Jesse’s apartment. It is even bigger, because they have two offices. Kurt has warmed up to the casual dinner parties, but why in his home?

Blaine looks at him in a funny way. “Because you insisted on it all those years ago.”

That shuts him up and to be fair, it makes sense. Kurt’s always hosted tea parties since he was a kid. He just never expected to grow a bit dissatisfied with it. It’s a sign of the amnesia. “Well, time to do groceries.”

Blaine looks apologetic. “I… I didn’t even notice that you hadn’t started yet. Usually, you plan this lunch a month beforehand but I-”

He turns back to the phone lying between them. Santana does not need to know that Blaine is not in a great headspace caused by a creative rut. His plans on releasing a new album are slowly dying out, since he cannot manage to put any lyrics on paper.

“I have been too busy,” he says instead and Kurt nods. It is a reasonable answer and Santana snorts.

“Yeah man, you’ve always been busy. Crazy times for you two right now, so that is why I thought I’d call,” she says. If she still thinks it is very weird, then she doesn’t let them know.

Suddenly, Kurt and Blaine hear a crash and Santana grumbles and curses.

“Isabel!” Brittany yells in the background, “How many times has mama told you not to touch that. Santana, can you get the vacuum cleaner from the hallway?”

And Kurt now knows for sure.

“Alright guys, looks like I gotta do damage control. See you on Friday!” Santana says and they hear a child start to wail.

“Go do the damage control,” Blaine sounds very fond.

Santana ends the phone call and Blaine shakes his head while smiling. “That kid is always up to something.” He touches Kurt’s knee before getting up. “Do you want some coffee?”

But Kurt is silent.

“Kurt?”

Kurt blinks a few time before saying: “They have a kid?”

Now, Blaine is stunned into silence as well. Brittany and Santana having a kid must be so normal for him.

“They have a kid?” Kurt asks again, louder this time. How did he not know this?

Well, it is very clear why he does not know this. But it’s kind of mind-blowing that in the past few months, it never came up. Damnit, Kurt is thirty-four, almost thirty-five, and so are his friends. Of course, it makes sense that of his friends have kids.

Married is one thing, but kids?

Kurt wracks his brain. What does he actually know of the New Directions alumni, based on Rachel and Kitty’s ramblings and the few conversations over message apps with the others? He knows that Artie and Tina are married. He knows that Sam and Mercedes have their weird relationship. Rachel and Jesse are together.

Puck and Quinn are together, but are they married? Do they have kids? What about Mike and his girlfriend? Or wife? Tina has mentioned that Mike is living with a woman who Kurt does not know.

Blaine puts his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Kurt?”

“Can I see her?”

Blaine is taken aback by his request, but he fishes his own phone out of his pocket and he taps the screen a couple of times. Then, he shows Kurt a photo of Brittany, Santana and a beautiful little girl. Blaine smiles fondly. “She’s growing so fast.”

Easy for him to say. He probably has seen her grow up, but Kurt feels like he’s been slapped in his face. Santana - his Santana – is a mother? The last time Kurt saw her, she threw up in Rachel’s designer bag after going out and there was a huge shouting match afterwards.

Kurt went to bed to ignore his roommate fighting and he woke up fifteen years later.

“How old is she?”

“She’ll turn five this year. She takes after Santana. This is why Brittany and Santana left the city. They got married and moved to New Jersey to start a family.”

The fact that it is probably easier for same-sex couples to have children should make Kurt feel delighted, but he is still a bit in shock.

“The thought of them settling down in order to start a family feels weird to me. They’re too young in my eyes.”

“Except that they aren’t.”

“I know that!”

Blaine backs away. “Okay, okay. Let it all out. I’m still going to brew that pot of coffee.”

Kurt sighs. “… I’ll join you later. I need to talk to my mom.”

* * *

Isabel is a menace.

A lovely menace, but a menace. She definitely takes after Santana.

Brittany and Santana have aged – obviously – and Kurt’s jaw drops when he sees that Brittany is now rocking a pixie cut. Santana wears a lot of make-up, but that is the current trend. Between them, there is a little girl with tanned skin and long black hair. She’s the splitting image of Santana, minus the eye colour. She has Brittany’s eye colour.

On Friday, Kurt gets to know the full story from their perspectives.

They never expected it either, but the want for a family overthrew them when they were in their late twenties. Santana never expected to settle down before her forties, but one day, they had a dance performance and a little boy sat in the audience with his parents and it just clicked.

By that point, they’d already gotten married. They quit their jobs, moved to the New Jersey suburbs, started IVF and started their own dance studio. Isabel was born in 2022. Kurt already loves her.

On Friday, they go and see a family friendly musical called The Rubbers (Santana has to stop herself from making a not family friendly joke) and Rachel has used her star power to get dinner reservations for everyone. She’s already showing off. Rachel knows how to throw people off-guard.

That is why, on Saturday morning, Rachel tells Kurt that she’s invited Sebastian, Adam, Mae and Wes to the lunch at Kurt’s place.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Rachel?” Kurt yells angrily.

“It has a reason!”

“Well, this is not reasonable!” Kurt shouts and Blaine just reads a book on the couch. This is apparently not a rare occurrence.

“Trust me, Kurt. They don’t even have to stay for lunch. I just have a big announcement!” Rachel says as if that is a justification. Typical Rachel. She can be selfish when needed.

He could’ve seen it coming. Santana did tell him about Rachel’s tendency to do dramatic reveals.

“That makes me look like a shit host and I’ve already worked my ass off in the past few days to get this ready.” Blaine’s obviously been helping, but still, it was a lot of preparation.

“They know what to expect, Kurt. No worries. Otherwise I can always hire extra catering.” It is meant as a reassurance, but to Kurt it feels like an insult. It wouldn’t have been necessary if it weren’t for her selfishness. He’s boiling with anger and annoyance. He catches his reflection in the glass window and the urge to straighten all his clothing overwhelms him. That is a new one.

“… Rachel, I am going to kill you.”

“When you hear the news, you’ll understand.”

Kurt really does not have the time to fight her, since he still has to get ready. “This better be good.”

Rachel squeals as if she’s just won a big battle. “Yes, Kurt, I love you so, so much!”

Kurt hangs up without saying another word. Blaine looks up from his book. “Rachel is at it again?”

Kurt just shakes his head. This better be good.

* * *

As an olive branch, Rachel has requested to other to come over after lunch. Kurt is still very annoyed by her, but they have a nice time.

Kitty and Rodrick are once again wearing matching bowling shirts. Isabel thinks it is old school that Kurt and Blaine still have photos. Brittany and Santana feed each other little bites. Jesse and Rachel are radiating with happiness.

He watches Isabel smash her food with her hands (much to her mothers’ distain) and yeah, everyone is growing up. They’re all in their thirties. Most of his friends have full-time jobs with the daily 9 to 5 grind.

The bell rings and the others have arrived for Rachel’s big announcement.

Rachel and Jesse tells everyone to sit down in Kurt and Blaine’s living room.

“Blaine, tell Mimi to put on celebratory music!” Rachel orders and Blaine follows it. When the music is playing, Rachel says: “Thank you all for coming. I wanted all of you to be here to hear our big news.”

“Drumroll please!” Jesse yells out and everyone starts drumming on surfaces. Even Kurt drums along. He’s still mad at her, but now he’s caught up in the excitement.

Then, Rachel puts her hand on her belly.

“I’m pregnant!”

Chaos erupts. Everyone is yelling and hooting and celebrating. Mae pulls Rachel into a big hug and Santana pats Jesse on the shoulder. Isabel asks to feel the belly. Blaine yells at Mimi to put on another more upbeat party song.

And Kurt? Well, he wishes he could join the others, but he just feels numb. They’re really growing up and maybe he isn’t handling it as well as he thought.


	19. Speed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh, what is this? 5,6K+ words in four days? After being absent for over a month, I churn out two chapters in a short notice. 
> 
> Quaratine might be catching up with me. Anyway, this chapter is the continuation of chapter 18 and Kurt has to deal with a lot.
> 
> _TW: small ableism, discussion of grief, mention of past suicide_
> 
> See the end notes for details. In these troubled times, I truly wish I could give you guys something more upbeat, but this part was planned months ago, even before the whole pandemic hit us. Weird to think that there were so many “I don’t have 2020 vision!” memes. After all, no one could’ve seen this coming.

**SPEED**

Kurt hates that his first thought is: “ _But… Finn?”_

He shouldn’t put that burden on Rachel and Jesse, not while they’re clearly happy. He’s had seven months to accept that Rachel has moved on and he has, he truly has and he is very happy for her.

At least, that’s what he thought.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he still holds on to the idea that Finn and Rachel should be together. Finn should be the one holding Rachel’s hand while sharing their big news. Finn and Rachel should be wearing matching wedding rings. Finn and Rachel should be here, in his apartment, having lunch with friends.

And he knows that Rachel hasn’t forgotten him. He _knows_ that this isn’t Rachel’s weird way of getting petty revenge, even though that is usually her speciality. He knows all of that, but he can’t help but feel crushed.

Tears form in his eyes, but everyone arounds him assumes they’re tears of happiness. He puts his face in his hands when he feels the tears flowing and he hides between the many happy faces.

He’s being stupid.

This is all going too fast in his mind. All his friends are going forward in full speed, and Kurt cannot keep up.

Suddenly, someone grabs him by the shoulders. By now he knows it is Blaine. He looks up and he sees that Blaine looks very worried. Of course, he would notice. The others are still celebrating and congratulating and Wes has popped the cork of another bottle of wine. But Blaine notices that there is something wrong.

The two stare at each other for a very long time, until Kurt gives in and shakes his head. Blaine sits next to him and pulls him close, which leads to other people noticing. When Kurt starts sobbing, they realise that those are not happy tears.

Kurt has his face against Blaine’s chest, but the couch dips. Someone’s sitting next to him.

“Are you- Are you not happy for me?” Rachel asks, confused.

“I am happy, Rachel,” Kurt says, still not looking at her, “But if feels wrong.”

The room has gone silent and Rachel takes in a deep breath. “Wrong how? What could be wrong here, Kurt? I want this. I’ve wanted this for so long with him-”

“Stop! That is where it is wrong,” Kurt yells out and he looks at her and the realisation dawns upon Rachel. The others whisper and the atmosphere has changed.

“I am not replacing him, Kurt. He’s been dead for almost fifteen years and I-”

“Don’t. Rachel, no. Sorry. Not now.” Oh God. He’s completely ruining Rachel’s big day. Knowing her, she’s been looking forward to revealing the news and Kurt is ruining it because this stupid, irrational grief stands it all in the way.

Rachel is not shy of letting Kurt know that. She looks livid and Kurt looks away in shame. He’s ruined her big day.

“Finn is dead, Kurt. He’s dead. He’s deceased. He’s passed. He’s six feet underneath,” she says. She’s trying to sound fierce, but her voice waivers when she says: “I cried, I wrote a hesped, I wore white and I went through the phases of mourning, and it still doesn’t feel enough because a part of me will always be mourning. But I have moved on and Jesse-” Both Rachel and Kurt look at Jesse, who looks very uncomfortable with the sudden attention “-is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time and our marriage and this pregnancy are signs of our love. I know you don’t believe in soulmates. Hell, I don’t even think that I do, but if they were real, then people would be able to have multiple soulmates. Finn was my soulmate. Jesse is mine now _and I am happy_!”

The room is tense. Kurt can’t stand it.

He frees himself from Blaine’s embrace and he stumbles towards his room. “Sorry. So sorry, everyone. I am so sorry.”

* * *

Kurt’s sitting on the bed, looking at his mother’s dresser. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t have anything useful to say. He’s ruined it with Rachel.

The door opens and Kurt want to tell Blaine to get out and that they’ll talk later, but to his surprise, Wes sits down next to him. They don’t talk. Together, they just stare at the dresser.

Kurt doesn’t like it, though. He’d like to be alone. He turns to face Wes and says: “Did you get the shortest straw, or why are you here?”

Wes chuckles. “Classic Kurt.”

Is it? Well, Kurt wouldn’t know. Kurt’s about to tell Wes to get lost, but Wes is the first to speak.

“I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It must be hard.”

Kurt’s stunned into silence. In the past seven months, no one has downright told Kurt that they’re sorry for his loss, since the loss isn’t fresh anymore. Then, Kurt notices the blank stare and the tears forming in Wes’s eyes.

“Have you, uhm, lost someone?”

Wes wipes his eyes and nods sadly. “Her name was Angela. She was my older sister, my 姐姐. She committed suicide years ago. She was only thirteen years old. So young, and yet so filled with self-hatred and sadness.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kurt says and he means it. He puts his hand on Wes’s shoulder, which surprises Wes, but the two of them continue to stare at the dresser. Does it comfort Wes in the same way as it comforts Kurt?

“Not that I mind, but why did you tell me?” Kurt asks after a while.

“Do you know how old I was when she died? I was only three.”

“ _Three_?”

Wes sighs sadly and Kurt sees that he needs time to compose himself, so Kurt waits patiently for Wes to tell the story.

“My parents always wanted a second child. After years of trying, they just gave up. My mother had accepted that her biological clock had passed, but then, ten years after the birth of my sister, my mother got pregnant. To this day, my parents still call me their miracle baby. According to everyone I know, Angela absolutely adored me. She’d watch me sleep in my crib every night with a big smile on her face. I’d like to think that I adored her as much as she adored me, but I don’t know. I don’t remember her very well.”

“Oh, Wes-”

Wes holds up a hand, which silences Kurt. Wes isn’t finished yet, so instead, Kurt gives him a squeeze on the shoulder.

“If it weren’t for the many videos and photos of Angela, I wouldn’t have even known what she looked like. I don’t have any concrete memories of her, only feelings. They’re happy ones, so that’s why I’m certain that I loved her. I must’ve liked spending time with her. There are home videos of the two of us playing with toys and I always had a big smile on my face. I don’t know her, but I miss her every day of my life. She would’ve turned forty-five this year.”

Wes turns to Kurt, looking serious.

“I’m telling you this for a reason. I’m not even going to pretend that I am feeling the same thing you feel, because your position is extraordinary. I can’t even imagine how isolated you feel, since all the others have moved on with their lives. What I’m trying to say is that I do understand that grief can be a bitch. When I was a teen, I missed Angela so much, I had to see a therapist for it to help me process it. I felt like I couldn’t grief her. After all, I barely knew her, how could I miss her?

I’m thirty-five now, and I still don’t fully understand it, but all I know is that I do miss her and that my grief counts. It’s different from the people who actually remember her, which makes it difficult to share. I do feel isolated as well, but in a different way. I can’t relate to my parents or other family members, since I can’t join in on stories about her. When they bring up Angela, they talk about their concrete memories of her, but I don’t have them. All I know is that I loved her and that she liked pink.

I know things about Angela, but I can’t distinguish actual memories from stories I’ve heard. I also know that she loved to sing. Do I know that she loved singing because I remember so, or because I’ve been told so? It’s exhausting. I’m not going to push you to talk if that is not what you want. I know that it’s weird and exhausting and so isolating. Just know that if you do want to talk, I’m here. From one isolated grieving process to another.”

Kurt lets the words sink in. He doesn’t talk and Wes seems to really understand it. The two of them just sit in silence.

* * *

“You know what, Wes? I understand why Blaine thinks you should be a therapist. You’re easy to talk to.”

“True, but I want to become a judge one day so that I can bang my gavel in a professional manner.”

“That’s fair.”

* * *

He must’ve fallen asleep, because when Kurt sits up, the room is dark and Wes is gone. He looks around and he sees the invitation to Finn’s funeral standing on the windowsill. Blaine had put it there months ago.

Kurt feels the urge to burn it.

He can’t think about it, because the door opens again and Blaine has a sad smile on his face. Kurt immediately jumps of the bed.

“I have to talk to Rachel!” he says frantically. He has to tell her that he’s sorry for ruining her day and making her feel bad for loving someone else than Finn, but Blaine shakes his head.

“Rachel does not want to see you right now.”

“But I need to-”

“Kurt, _Rachel does not want to see you right now_.” Blaine sounds stern and cold.

Kurt is stunned into silence and he falls back on the bed. He’s really ruined it. “What happened afterward?”

Blaine sits next to him. “Well, Isabel was pretty upset. She’s very sensitive when it comes to emotional atmospheres, so Brittany and Santana said their goodbyes and we will see them tomorrow. They think Isabel might be autistic, but they’re still looking into it.”

“Oh. Everyone has autism nowadays?”

Blaine shifts next to him. He still sounds stern and cold when he says: “I was under the impression that that hurtful rhetoric was of the late 2010s, not the late 2020s, but I cannot be certain. I have the tendency to block out this kind of bullshit.”

Kurt bursts out into tears. He shouldn’t have said that. He’s making matters worse. It feels undeserving when Blaine scoots closer to comfort him. “I’m sorry!”

“I know you are,” Blaine sounds more soothing now. The sharp edge in his voice is gone, but he still adds: “Just don’t act out and hurt the people who have nothing to do with this. That is not who you are anymore.”

 _Anymore_. Right, yes, fifteen and a half years have passed. And sure, he’s improved, but at times like these, he acts out. It is a shitty defence mechanism and Blaine sees right through.

“Brittany, Santana and Isabel left pretty quickly. Adam and Sebastian had other plans, since they were only invited for the end, so they left as well. Rachel was fuming, so Jesse took her home as well, but she will calm down eventually. She knows you mean no harm.”

“Doesn’t erase the fact that I caused her harm.”

“I know that. She knows that. That is why she doesn’t want to see you right now, but tomorrow we’re going to see a show together and things will be different.”

Oh God, Kurt hopes that is true. The show must go on, really.

“Wes was inside with you for a long time, so Mae, Kitty and Roderick helped with the cleaning and the dishes. They’re all gone now. It’s just us.”

“Good.” No more need for appearances.

“The hospital did call, but I told them you were unavailable.”

“Great,” Kurt says sarcastically. Add that to the pile of things that are reminding Kurt of the amnesia.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kurt sniffs and admits that he’s not handling growing up as well as he’d thought. He’s okay with adjusting to the 2028 life, but as a nineteen year old. But he’s not nineteen and neither are his friends. “I’m turning thirty-five in three months, not twenty. Seeing Isabel, and then Rachel’s pregnancy, and also the grief… It is all too much, my sweet.”

Blaine rubs his back and he kisses his head.

“Oh God. I am thirty-four. Rachel’s pregnancy… I never saw it coming, because it didn’t hit me. Did you- You probably saw this coming from miles away.”

But Blaine shakes his head. “No, not at all.”

“Not even a hint?” Kurt asks. Rachel and Jesse have gotten married in 2019, the same year Kurt and Blaine started dating. It’s kind of surprising that they were childless for so long, since it’s apparent that Rachel longs for a family. She’s just like Brittany and Santana. They’re in their mid-thirties.

Blaine seems to internally debate something.

“What is it?”

“… I don’t want to push you even more, Kurt.”

What could possibly be the case here? Why is Blaine suddenly looking very apologetic? But Kurt can’t take any more secrets.

“Please, tell me.”

Blaine still looks torn, but he nods. “Rachel didn’t want to get pregnant right now because… well… uhm. The four of us had planned on Rachel becoming our surrogate around this time. We were planning on having children ourselves.”

Blaine was right. This is pushing Kurt over the edge. His mind goes numb.

The wedding. The planned move afterwards, which has been on hold. It all makes sense.

Kurt replays the words of Santana and Rachel: they were longing for settling down and staring a family. Kurt and Blaine must’ve felt it as well.

But then something Kurt confuses him.

“The four of us?”

Blaine smiles sadly. “Quinn is part of it too. She wanted to donate the eggs, but she was too afraid to carry the baby herself. Apparently, she had a daughter in high school and that birth had been very painful and traumatic. She thought it was fine until the possibility of giving birth again came up and she spent all day panicking.”

“Then why did she want to donate the eggs?”

“You two promised that to each other in high school. Don’t ask me, I wasn’t there. She never wants to give birth again, which is why Quinn and Puck adopted-” _Oh great. They have children as well._ “- but even though Quinn can do questionable things, she’s very loyal. Rachel told us that she wanted to carry our baby. She joked about it being a test run for her own child. Ah…” Blaine sounds a bit bitter.

“… Are you mad at Rachel for getting pregnant?”

Blaine immediately shakes his head. “We can’t expect the people around us to put their lives on hold for this.”

That does not make Kurt feel better. In fact, it makes it even worse. Oh God, he’s preventing Blaine from living his life as well! He’s putting his life on hold.

“I know what you’re thinking, love.” Of course. Blaine knows him very well. “I don’t mind my life not going as planned, as long as I’m with you, I’m fine.”

It is a lovely sentiment, but Kurt’s stomach still twists with guilt. He doesn’t say anything and instead, he leans closer to Blaine. Blaine probably knows that Kurt is not at ease yet, but he doesn’t say anything.

Tomorrow, he’ll talk to Rachel. Tomorrow, it’ll be fine.

* * *

Kurt’s decided to meet Rachel beforehand. He doesn’t want to bring the others into the awkwardness. He takes the train to her apartment and the doorman lets him in. He’s been here before.

Rachel knows he’s coming.

Kurt rides the elevator and he hasn’t felt this nervous in a very long time. He’s rehearsed what he wants to say several times in his head while rearranging the closet. Afterwards, he even rehearsed it with Blaine.

But Rachel is unpredictable. Kurt has no idea what will happen and how she will react. He’s extra slow when he makes his way to her door.

He takes a deep breath and he knocks loudly.

After a while, he hears footsteps approaching and Kurt’s about to die from nerves. The door slowly opens and Kurt forces himself to meet Rachel’s gaze. She looks sad when her eyes land on him. He’s about to open his mouth to recount the rehearsed speech, but to his utter confusion… Rachel hugs him tightly.

Kurt’s too stunned and confused to hug her back. Isn’t she furious with him?

“I forgive you, Kurt,” she whispers and Kurt can feel himself tear up again.

“I am so sorry.”

“I know, and I accept your apology.”

A huge burden has been lifted. Kurt sniffs and he finally hugs Rachel back. “I hurt you.”

“Oh, I know. You did and I was really, really angry at you. But I’ve thought it over and I am sad that it has happened and that I will always think of our fight when I think back on the reveal, but this entire situation is just fucked up and I know that this is a lot for you.”

Kurt laughs a little bit. People always laugh during awkward moments. He is happy that Rachel is so forgiving, but it is true that he’s forever tainted her memory of this day. “When did you get so smart?”

“Oh Kurt, fifteen years and I am still learning,” Rachel laughs and sure, the reminder stings, but Kurt laughs as well. Rachel has matured a lot. “Besides, Jesse keeps me grounded.”

“I’m happy that you’ve found each other,” Kurt says truthfully.

“Thank you, Kurt.”

* * *

Brittany and Santana’s time in New York comes to an end. Everyone’s waving them goodbye. Despite the disastrous pregnancy reveal, the reunion ended on a happy note. It’s a good thing that Kurt and Rachel talked before seeing a Broadway show.

This was the not family friendly show called Wrapped, so Brittany and Santana left Isabel with a New York-based friend and they all loved the show. This time, Santana was free to make not family friendly jokes.

“No, but really? Why are all the new 2028 musicals named after condoms? The Rubber and Wrapped? Wanky!”

Santana might be thirty-four, but some things never change.

And now, they’re leaving. Brittany is whispering something to Blaine and Santana is saying goodbye to Kitty and Roderick. After a handful of goodbyes, Isabel walks up to Kurt with a sheet of paper. Blaine has explained that Isabel draws something every year to express how she feels. She draws her expectations of the trip beforehand and then on the day they leave, she shows the drawing.

She’s only four and she started doing this at age two, but Blaine has shown the drawings to Kurt. They were hidden away in the office.

Isabel holds out the drawing and Kurt smiles widely when she sees that it is a happy drawing. She is clearly too young to understand what has changed, but she felt it beforehand. It’s good to see that she still expected fun.

“Did you have fun?” Brittany asks her.

“Yes!” she yells loudly.

“Alright, Isabel, we’re going now. Mama is putting you into the car seat,” Santana says. She’s already at the car. Isabel starts to resist Brittany, but Brittany just scoops her up and they say their goodbyes. Isabel is still a bit of a menace.

They drive off and the others wave until they’re out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kurt makes a small ableist comment while acting out, but it isn’t much. The nitty gritty part of the chapter is the conversation about grief. Wes mentions that his older sister has committed suicide years before and they have a conversation about complicated grieving processes.
> 
> 姐姐 = jiě jiě, older sister in Chinese.
> 
> The part about Angela was written months ago, somewhere around the same time as chapter 6 (beginning of December 2019). I told you that Kurt and Wes would have their own moment as well.


	20. Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I completely forgot to mention, but the whole multiple soulmate thing that Rachel was talking about in the previous chapter was inspired by the fanfic Too Late by zavocado.
> 
> Anyway, the update took longer than expected. As a consolation: it is 4K+ words long. The state of the world surely kills the creative mood. I hope you guys are all safe and healthy and that the world isn’t wearing you down. Remember that Black Lives Matter, even when the “hype” dies down and when it gets too much, take a break. There’s a difference between indifference and denial on one side and taking a break to perserve your mental health on the other.
> 
> I will finish this beast of a fic before the next Advent (if there will be one). 
> 
> As a result of the chaotic state of the world, I did tone down this chapter. I love angst as much as the next person, but the creative mood came back to me by writing positivity to get me out of the negativity surrounding me. That is also why it took so long, because I basically changed the plans that I made half a year ago. Here we go.

**TREAT**

“Kurt, there is a wedding emergency!”

Kurt’s already out of the door. “Mae, what is wrong?”

“Our florist unexpectedly went bankrupt. Wes found a new one, but due to the short notice, they don’t have our arrangement ready in time, so we need a new one,” Mae says and she sounds very panicked through the phone.

“Meet me at the Pret on the way from my house to yours. Bring photos!”

And so, ten minutes later, he and Mae are sipping coffee and eating cookies at the Pret A Manger. Mae shows him all kinds of arrangements. It obviously has to fit their colour scheme. Mae browses through them on her phone, but she quickly skips one.

“Wait, go back!”

Mae seems to hesitate for a second, but then she swipes back. It’s a simple, but beautiful arrangement.

“This is the one, Mae!” Kurt says excitedly, but Mae shakes her head. Before she can explain, Kurt’s continues: “Oh, come on! I know you loves roses, so the flower choice is great. The simplicity of the bouquet fits your somewhat minimalistic aesthetic and the colours can easily match with your colour scheme. It is fate.”

“I can’t do that, Kurt.”

Kurt scoffs and he rolls his eyes. “Why’s that?”

“Because you and Blaine chose red and yellow roses for your wedding.”

Oh.

The atmosphere has turned awkward, and Mae makes it even more awkward by asking: “How is it going? You’ve been working extremely hard on my wedding, but how is your wedding doing?”

Yes, his wedding. The wedding that has been looming over him for literal months. It’s not that Kurt and Blaine haven’t talked about it anymore, but there is just a lot of confusion. The wedding is end may and it’s mid-march. Kurt isn’t stupid. He knows that time is running out.

Blaine had told him not to worry about money. If they cancel last minute, they will lose their deposits, but that is fine.

Kurt still worries. He still isn’t used to having money. He can actually buy designer clothes without thrifting. It feels wrong to throw it all away.

So, is he aware that he’s putting extra pressure on himself? Absolutely. Is he still somewhat in denial? Totally.

“Kurt?” Mae frowns.

“Can we just… can we talk about your flowers?”

Mae once again looks conflicted. Kurt kind of hates himself for putting the people close to him through the waiting game as well. Then, Mae nods and she swipes to the next photo.

* * *

Kurt barely gives Kitty time to sit down when he blurts out: “How did you know that you wanted to marry Roderick?”

Kitty doesn’t answer outright. Instead, she takes her time sitting down and going through the lunch menu. The small wait drives Kurt insane.

“I’ll go for a classic Caesar salad and a glass of red wine,” Kitty says nonchalantly. Kurt’s about to rip the menu out of her grip, but then Kitty says: “And I don’t know when I was certain. I just knew that it clicked. We’d been together for years and we’d talked about marriage plenty, so it was just there, you know?”

She’s still looking at the menu, even though she’s decided. She doesn’t see the annoyed look on Kurt’s face.

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t explain it otherwise, Kurt. One day, I just knew. It wasn’t a grand gesture like Blaine’s proposal. I just went to the nearest jewellery store, bought a banging ring and went down on one knee the moment I got home from the store. Poor Roderick had just gotten out of the shower and he almost dropped his towel in shock. Not that I would’ve minded.”

She smirks and Kurt can’t help but smile as well.

“He said yes on the spot and we had great sex afterwards. Nothing special, but it still felt special to us,” Kitty closes the menu and finally, she looks at Kurt, “That is what it’s about. There has to be something special. There has to be this realisation of pure admiration and wanting. I wanted to marry him. He wanted to marry me. We were ready.”

Kurt looks at the beautiful ring on Kitty’s finger. “Two years later and still going strong.”

“Oh, I plan on it. So many divorce in my family… it is tiring,” Kitty rolls her eyes, “I’m here to break the divorce streak.”

“Blaine and I are the only ones of our friend group still unmarried.”

“Correction, Sebastian and Adam are unmarried.”

“… Oh, yeah. Why is that?”

Kitty shrugs. “Ask them.”

The waitress comes over to ask for their orders. They don’t have to wait long for their wines and they continue their conversation while they wait for their food to arrive.

“Blaine’s showed me a video of his proposal. It was beautiful,” Kurt sighs. He wishes he could remember it. The small video did spark some memories, but as always, they’re not very concrete or useful in the grand scheme of things. What does Kurt have to do with the knowledge that the place smelled like lavender?

“I sobbed like a maniac,” Kitty says.

“Yeah, I saw it on the video. The tear streaked mascara look suits your evil bitch vibe.”

Kitty puts up her middle finger and the elderly couple at the table next to them looks appalled, but Kitty doesn’t give a fuck. That hasn’t changed at all. Kurt and Kitty have gotten closer since New Year’s and she really has changed, but her attitude will never completely leave her.

“What would’ve been your perfect proposal?” Kurt asks Kitty.

“The one I had.”

Kurt gives Kitty a look and she rolls her eyes.

“Alright. I give in. I would’ve loved to do it during a road trip or something,” Kitty admits, “We fell in love during a road trip after graduation, so it would’ve suited perfectly. But then again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Oh, the road trip with the other New Directions people, right? It’s a cool idea to go to Disney for graduation,” Kurt says absently.

Kitty chokes on her wine. She coughs a couple of times and the annoying elderly couple are annoyed, so Kurt shoots them a nasty look and waits for her to be okay.

Kitty is a bit red and then says: “I haven’t really told you that story yet.”

“Oh.”

“But yes, Roderick and I went to Disney together with the twins, Jane, Spencer and Alistair. Myra was too young to come with. Roderick and I had graduated, so we saw it as one last hurrah before going off into the world and we didn’t expect to fall in love, but we did. Or at least, we realised we liked each other back. I liked him way before that.”

“Sounds like one hell of a road trip,” Kurt says quickly. He doesn’t want to dwell on the memory that he should have.

Kitty gets a blissful look on her face. “That is the first time everything fell into place, Kurt. The proposal was the second and our wedding day was the third. Trust me, Kurt. When the time is ready, you know.”

* * *

There is a wedding that Kurt does remember: his dad’s. He yells at Lizzie to start a video call and a few seconds later, his father appears on the screen.

“Hey Kurt!”

“Hey dad,” Kurt says and just seeing his dad makes him happy. He’s gotten used to his dad looking older, and he’s glad that the previous feelings of dread and annoyance are mostly gone.

They chat for a while about small things, like Kurt’s show and his dad’s new TV habits. Kurt also tells him about the new calls from the hospital. They want to perform some tests.

“Wait, are they going to treat you for something? You’re not ill.”

“I’ll have an appointment this weekend in order to get more information. I will let you know.” Kurt doesn’t want to dwell on it too much, since there is too much uncertainty and he doesn’t want his dad to get stressed over it. Besides, he has a more pressing matter.

Eventually, Kurt asks him about marrying Carole.

“I just knew, Kurt. It’s as if everything fell into place.”

It sounds similar to Kitty’s answer. Kurt should’ve seen it coming. He must have a thoughtful look on his face, because his dad asks: “Is this about your own wedding?”

Kurt nods solemnly.

His dad frowns. “This is really wearing you down, isn’t it?”

“It’s so close, dad,” Kurt says. He picks up the phone to sit down in the living room. “I mean, I am thirty-four, which is a great age to get married, but you know what has happened. I’m trying to- I feel like I need to integrate into this life, since it’s not going away anytime soon, and marrying feels like part of it.”

“Kurt, you don’t have to get married. I know that Blaine isn’t pressuring you. Yes or no, Kurt: Do you want to get married.”

“… yes.”

“But?”

“Not now.”

“Then tell him to call of the wedding!” his dad says loudly, as if it’s obvious. And okay, maybe it is obvious, but Kurt’s just anxious. What if he says no and Blaine breaks up with him for good? What if Kurt loses everything that he’s built in these past few wacky months?

No, Blaine wouldn’t leave him. He’s said so himself a while ago.

_I don’t mind my life not going as planned, as long as I’m with you, I’m fine._

His father is staring at him. He’s giving Kurt time to think.

Blaine would do anything for Kurt. Kurt is stopping him from living his life and sure, Blaine might be okay with that, but Kurt isn’t. Blaine is thirty-three. He wants to get married. He wants kids. He wants a house with a garden outside of the busy city centre. He probably wants to adopt a couple of dogs.

And he’s not getting any of that.

… Should Kurt break it off and leave to let Blaine go? Have him find another man to give him the things he wants? He’s a catch, so he’d find someone soon. But Kurt shakes his head. Fully breaking it off might hurt Blaine even more than just cancelling the wedding. But what should he do?

“Dad…”

“Yes, Kurt?”

“Blaine would do anything to keep me happy, right?”

“Of course.”

“… Then, shouldn’t I do the same?”

His dad frowns.

“Should I marry him to keep him happy?” Kurt asks. Would it really be that bad to marry Blaine earlier than planned? If it keeps the smile on Blaine’s face, it’ll be worth it. Blaine’s been struggling a lot since New Year’s.

But his dad immediately blurts out: “Oh hell to the no!”

“Mercedes’s influence is everywhere,” Kurt tries to divert attention with a joke, but his father isn’t having any of it.

“Kurt, no listen,” his dad sounds serious, “God, I feel like I’ve had this talk with Blaine before, but there’s a difference between giving up some things to make the other happy and making big life decisions against your will. I know you remember the sex talk, Kurt, and I know this is a different situation, but you matter!”

Oh, no case of amnesia could make Kurt forget the embarrassment of the sex talk.

“Marriage isn’t something small like not going to a particular movie or what not since your partner doesn’t like that particular movie. Heck, it’s even way worse than Blaine not telling you things in order to not overwhelm you. And besides, how do you think Blaine would feel when he finds out that you didn’t want to really marry him and only did it for him? That would mess him up even more!”

“Then what do I do?” Kurt yells out. But he already knows the answer.

“Call of the wedding!”

It’s silent for a while. His dad has gotten really worked up and he is doing those breathing exercises again. Kurt’s also taking a deep breath.

He knows it’s the right thing to do, but the anxiety can’t seem to calm down. He’s fidgeting with his clothes and he listens to his dad’s breathing.

He doesn’t want to think of the “what ifs”. His dad is right.

How is he going to tell Blaine?

* * *

Kurt is at his mother’s dresser. Swipe left. Swipe right. Swipe left. It is a standard routine. Kurt has perfected it after months of it. He always cleans the same spot.

So when the paint starts to come off, Kurt should’ve seen it coming. The sight of the brown paint coming loose, makes Kurt back away instantly.

_No. No. This can’t be real._

This is his mother’s dresser. This is one of the only things he’s left of her. He’s tried to keep it in the same state ever since she died. He looks down at the part of the sleeve he used to swipe the dresser. He’s-

Well, he’s ruined it.

Kurt sinks to the floor as he watches the small spot of loose paint. There’s only one thing Kurt can think of.

“Blaine!” he yells out, “Blaine! Blaine! _Blaine_!”

After a couple of more shouts, Kurt hears some movement. Blaine appears in the door frame.

“Kurt?” he looks confused when he sees Kurt on the ground, “Did you- what is going on?”

Kurt points towards the dresser and Blaine moves closer to inspect the damage. He frowns when he sees the loose paint. “How did that happen?”

Then he sits next to Kurt and he pulls him closer. Kurt doesn’t need to say it out loud. After the many years they’ve been together, Blaine obviously knows what the dresser stands for and how much it means to Kurt.

Kurt doesn’t want to cry. It’s just a dresser. He can get the paint fixed.

He knows he’s only fooling himself.

“I was just cleaning the dresser. You know, just as always. And I- maybe I’ve cleaned it to vigorously but it just… it is breaking off.”

He can feel himself tearing up. A part of him still wants to yell at himself: _don’t cry. It’s just a dresser. Don’t be stupid and be emotional over that_. But another part of him knows that it’s good to let it out. A tear starts rolling down his cheek.

“I just wanted it to be perfect.”

Blaine wipes the tear away. Kurt leans on Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine lets him cry. They sit together for a few minutes.

There is no pretence. Kurt doesn’t have to act like it’s stupid to cry over paint. Blaine rubs comforting circles on his back.

“Love, look at me.”

Kurt does.

“Everything will be alright. Tomorrow, we can decide what to do with this.”

“Okay.”

Then, Blaine frowns in confusion. “Kurt, have you been cleaning this dresser every day? It isn’t really necessary.”

Kurt nods. “Yes, at certain moments a day. I feel kind of restless when I can’t do it.”

Next to Kurt, Blaine tenses up. “What do you mean?”

Kurt thinks Blaine’s reaction is a little bit weird. It’s just cleaning, but unfortunately, his passion for cleaning has led to the paint coming off. He might have overdone it a little bit. Kurt looks back to Blaine, so that he doesn’t have to look at the memory of his mother falling apart.

“I just like being in control of something. It’s good.”

Blaine looks panicked when he hears that. He turns away from Kurt and he puts his head in his hands.

Kurt touches Blaine’s shoulder. “Blaine, my sweet, what is wrong?”

But Blaine shakes his head several times.

“… Blaine?”

When Blaine looks up, Kurt can see that he’s started crying as well.

“Oh my God, I am so shit!” Blaine yells out and the sudden volume in his voice makes Kurt fall backwards.

Kurt and Blaine look at each other, and they both have tears in their eyes. Kurt can understand why he’s crying, but he has no idea why the dresser affects Blaine so much.

“It all makes sense. How could I not see it?” Blaine says, mostly to himself.

“Blaine, I am not following.”

“The colour coordinated wardrobe, the rearranging of the kitchen cabinets, you always being at your mother’s dresser around the same time… It is right in front of me,” Blaine mutters. Then, something dawns upon him. “Oh God, you’ve been straightening your clothes and tapping your nose too, right?”

Kurt tilts his head in confusion. Blaine is definitely right, but how would he know that and why does he act like it’s bad?

“And I didn’t notice cause I’ve been too caught up in my own bullshit,” Blaine says. His shoulders sag and he leans back against the bedframe. He looks very sad and also ashamed.

He holds out his hand. Kurt takes it.

“I will do better, Kurt.”

“Better for what?”

Blaine smiles weakly. “Your compulsions.”

Kurt wants to laugh, but then he looks at the paint coming loose. “Like, OCD?”

“We’re definitely not knowledgeable enough about that, so we can’t say for sure, but ever since your dad’s cancer treatment, you’ve been showing these things every now and then. When you’re stressed, you start doing all kinds of things like this. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t notice.”

Kurt’s still looking at the loose paint. He’s always cleaning the same spot, preferably around the same time. He always has the same routine: swipe left, swipe right, swipe left. Okay, maybe that might sound a bit precise, but nothing bad has happened. Well, apart from him singlehandedly ruining one of the only things left of his mother.

He feels another pit in his stomach. His actions have led to this. He might have to tell his dad to take it back home to Lima before Kurt fucks it up more, but at the same time, the thought of it being gone makes Kurt gloomy.

Still, it’s not bad to have a routine or anything. And okay, the thought of not being able to do it makes Kurt’s stomach turn uneasily, but that doesn’t mean anything.

“I should’ve known better,” Blaine says solemnly.

“You haven’t been doing well either, Blaine. I can’t blame you for focusing on yourself,” Kurt says calmly. He has no idea what all of this means, but if he’s going to freak out, then Blaine’s going to freak out, and then the two of them will just spend the entire night crying.

“I know that,” Blaine yells out, “But we also should be able to just talk to each other. Why don’t we ever just… talk?”

“We talk plenty,” Kurt points out. Many people have said him that he’s become more open in the past few months and Kurt has to agree with them. If this had happened months earlier, Kurt probably would’ve freaked out by the assumption that he has compulsive behaviour.

Now, he’s just numb about it. He files it away for later instead of immediately seeing it as an insult. He’s actually surprised himself by how calm he’s about all of it.

After all, it makes sense. He hates to admit the possibility of something being _wrong_ with him, but then again, he also has a huge case of amnesia. He is already used to something being definitely wrong with him. After all, why would the hospital want to run new tests?

“I don’t blame you, Blaine,” Kurt says, “I don’t blame you for anything.”

“Oh.”

Blaine looks at him with wide eyes.

“You hear me? I don’t blame you at all. Did you blame yourself?”

“… I don’t know,” Blaine says, “I didn’t think so. But hearing you say that still feels like a huge relief, so maybe I did? I don’t know. I’m just too caught up in my own thoughts and my head is a mess.”

“I think we’re both a fucking mess,” Kurt says. Then he jokes lamely: “I’m crying over paint.”

Blaine snorts. It’s not funny, but the timing is just weird.

The two of them have tear streaked faces, but they still manage to laugh through it.

Blaine wipes away his tears. “God, this is my life now. Every other week, my fiancé and I are having a breakdown.”

Kurt laughs. “Yeah. We are professionals by now. We need to treat each other well.”

“How about we just tell each other everything from now on? No longer this weird ‘oh, he’s suffering already’ stuff?”

“Ah…” Kurt trails off. He does have a big thing to tell Blaine. The fact that Blaine called him his fiancé again doesn’t really help.

Blaine has noticed the tone of Kurt's voice, because he’s observant like that, so he has a welcoming look on his face. “Alright, out with it.”

It’s better to completely rip off the band-aid in one go, so Kurt blurts out: “I want to cancel the wedding!”

He waits for Blaine to burst into a fresh round of tears, or to panic, or to just get up and walk out. None of that happens. Blaine doesn’t even look away from Kurt.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt starts to ramble, “I still want to marry you. I’ve said that before, but I am not ready. Over the past few days, I’ve been agonising about this. Everyone tells me that it’s a feeling of understanding, as if everything makes sense, but I don’t have that. At least, not yet. I know I want to be with you and I know I want to marry you, but the idea of getting married already just makes me uneasy. I can’t do that.”

Kurt’s analysing Blaine’s face for a trace of sadness or anger or hurt, but there is none. In fact, Blaine starts to smile.

“Okay. Long engagement it is.”

Kurt blinks a couple of times. He smiles cautiously.

“You’re- you’re not mad?”

“Disappointed? Oh yeah, for sure,” Blaine says and Kurt’s face falls, but then Blaine continues, “But I can never be mad at you for it. And besides, I saw it coming.”

“You did?”

Blaine gives him a look. “Kurt, you’ve refused to talk about it for months. A while ago I realised that it’s not going to happen. Adam is already looking into possible cancellation fees, but I think we’re still on time. I think some of the people who we hired also got the gist. I mean, I’ve been keeping in touch with all of them, but we haven’t had a final cake tasting or anything.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” It surely would’ve made it all a lot easier.

Blaine once again looks ashamed. They really need to get over their guilt and shame towards each other. “I suppose a small, irrational part of me still had hope.”

“I still love you, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Blaine says happily.

Kurt gives Blaine a small kiss before saying: “Total honesty. I know we’ve tried it before, but we are going to keep on trying.”

“Total honesty,” Blaine says in agreement, “And we will figure out what to do with the dresser. I know you don’t want to get rid of it and I think that painting it again sort of tarnishes your mom’s memory, but we’ll find a solution.”

“We will.”

Blaine looks very happy with that answer. “Alright. We’ve been sitting on this floor for way too long now.”

He stretches and gets up.

“We’re getting old,” Kurt jokes and Blaine laughs and neither of them point out that this joke wouldn’t have worked a few months ago. Kurt might never really get over the amnesia, but they are at a point that they can joke about it.

“Maybe you should call Emma,” Blaine holds out his hand. Kurt takes it and Blaine helps him up.

“I don’t know who that is.”

“The guidance counsellor from your high school?” Blaine frowns in confusion, “You know, with the nice red hair and the doe eyed face. Rachel’s words, not mine.”

“Mrs. Pillsbury? We’re on first name basis?” Kurt asks and Blaine shrugs nonchalantly.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t keep track of what happened at that crazy school of yours. All I know is that you’ve talked about OCD with her before.”

And again, a part of Kurt wants to protest and insist that he doesn’t have to. But Kurt pushes that aside and says: “Yeah, maybe I should give her a call.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of Kitty and Roderick falling in love is currently being written, but it is one of my many, many, _many_ WIPs. Side note: Myra is Myron after her transition. My headcanon is that she comes out as trans a few years after the show ended, just like her actress Josie Totah.
> 
> Another potentional WIP is a side-story in this verse from Burt’s perspective, but we’ll see. 
> 
> The next chapter will be a Blaine POV, which is what I had planned, but since the tone of this chapter has changed, so will that one. A part of me wonders if it’s a bit anticlimactic that all this build up around the weddings ends like this but a) I think I have explained myself reasonably enough and b) I actually like that it has shown how much these silly boys have grown.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with the story and its messy updating schedule.


	21. User

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go, number 21! It’s a Blaine perspective and it’s his side of the story and everything that has happened since the fight at New Year’s. There is really no consistent way of telling Blaine’s story, but that’s my fault. Ah well, I love it. 
> 
> Also, you might’ve noticed that AO3 now lists this as part 1 of a series. I wrote a small sad snippet from Burt’s perspective called [Myosotis discolor](https://forabeatofadrum.tumblr.com/post/621757826553053184/myosotis-discolor-a-myosotis-sylvatica-story). I might write another one, but there are no promises. 
> 
> Last, I hope you all are well and safe. If you are a Broadway fan and you have some free time, I highly recommend watching Samantha Williams and Sky Lakota-Lynch’s video [Black Theatre Matters](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DFA14sCUsuG8&t=MDRjMjdiZDI0MzgyNjUzZDdjZDBmYjQ5MWI4MWZmY2NjYTYzZmM1OSxZbmJSaEs3NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F621942636636471296%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-2124&m=0). It is highly informative.
> 
> Enjoy and thanks for still sticking around. 

**USER**

Wes and Sebastian are looking at the stack of papers on the table in front of them. Then they look at each other before finally looking at Blaine.

Blaine shrugs. “It’s been a weird couple of weeks.”

* * *

_Few weeks earlier_

* * *

Wes is pacing. It kind of drives Blaine mad, but he knows that it strangely helps Wes to find his words. Blaine himself is sitting on Wes’s couch with his phone in his hands.

“You feel no creative juices flowing through your body?”

Wes pacing around doesn’t mean that the words are going to be great.

“Don’t ever say that sentence again,” Blaine says, but then he answers: “Yeah. It’s all dried up. I wanted to talk to you before I told the others that we’re definitely going to postpone the album. It’s a good thing we’re in an early stage of making it. It’s not like I expected to release it very soon.”

“You can’t tell me that you haven’t written anything since the last album, Blaine. Can’t we continue with that? You must have materials from before the memory loss.”

And Wes is right, but Blaine doesn’t want those any more. He’s asked Mimi to delete the files on his phone. They don’t feel right anymore after everything that has happened.

“Blaine, you write about everything. _Everything._ You wrote about a tuna salad sandwich. You basically sing your own made-up jingles while watching TV, you know, the ones you make up on the spot. The last time your creativity was gone…”

Wes trails off. He finds it difficult to talk about it, even now.

“It’s not like that this time, Wes,” Blaine reassures his friend. Wes doesn’t seem at ease, so Blaine gets up and he takes Wes’s hands to stop Wes from pacing even more. “Look at me. It’s not like that. You know that you’re the first one to know when I need help.”

“Fuck, dude, you know what I’m like? I’m the mom friend. It’s in my nature to worry.”

“I know. Most of the Warblers group chat is you checking on everyone. Sebastian finds it almost annoying.”

“Yeah, but I never cared for Sebastian’s opinion any way. I’m the biggest mom of us all. And as a mom, I worry about your mental health.”

“It is the most worrisome aspect of my life.”

Wes shakes his head. “No, that is your seventy pieces big bowtie collection.”

“Seventy and counting. My mental health is the second most worrisome aspect of my life after the bowties. Noted,” Blaine says and he straightens his bowtie. It’s the one Burt got him for Christmas.

The two of them laugh and the tense atmosphere has slowly disappeared. So, they’re more relaxed when Wes asks: “Then, what is it, if it’s not some sort of relapse?”

Blaine shrugs. He can’t really put a finger on it. He isn’t unhappy or anything, but he walks around with an unsettling feeling. He obviously knows where it comes from, but that doesn’t make it better. There is just this emptiness. He has no new lyrics in his head. There’s nothing.

“Art represents life,” Blaine answers, “Art shows the world how I see the world. But I have no idea what my world is like. I look at the lyrics I wrote before the amnesia and it doesn’t feel real anymore.”

“The opposite to war isn’t peace, it’s creation?”

“Nice RENT reference, but I can’t call it a war, though,” Blaine says, “In fact, I think for the first time, there’s peace.”

Of course, Blaine has told Wes all about Kurt’s epiphany. Wes and Mae are invited to Kurt’s second opening night. Blaine’s had a lot to think about and he realised that it helps no one to be stuck in the past. Kurt’s memories will probably not come back and it’s better to focus on accepting that than living in denial.

But the only thing he’s held on for the past few months has disappeared.

And Blaine knows that he can grieve what he had without feeling bad, and he will always love Kurt. Parts of who he used to be are still there and new aspects of his personality are added. Even with the hope of Kurt regaining his memories almost gone, the love will always be there. He’s still Kurt, just different.

So all the lyrics about who Kurt used to be no longer feel real. He just needs new things.

* * *

Blaine watches Kurt reconnect with Tina, Artie and Mercedes. This is a good thing. Every now and then, Kurt looks over his shoulder to look at Blaine.

Sebastian claps Blaine on the back. “ _He loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah_.”

It’s supposed to be a nice gesture, but Blaine still winces. “Too soon, Sebastian.”

Sebastian and Adam share a look and Sebastian sighs deeply: “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. Thinking back on the proposal must be painful for you.”

Blaine thinks back at the beautiful day in New York. The weather was perfect. They were surrounded by friends. Even his Warblers had flown out to New York to sing back-up for him. Kitty was crying non-stop.

“But he does love you, Blaine. I mean, he left me for you,” Adam quickly says before the atmosphere turns too sad. The three of them laugh at their inside joke. Honestly, it doesn’t hold up anymore, now that Kurt can’t remember dating Adam, but it still makes them laugh.

Blaine has a warm feeling. He knows that Kurt loves him. Kurt maybe hasn’t noticed yet, but Blaine sees him looking. A while ago, Kurt had admitted that he could see himself falling in love with Blaine and Blaine’s pretty sure it has happened.

“Does that make your creative juices flow?” Adam asks and Sebastian snorts.

“I will kill Wes for that sentence,” Blaine laughs as well. The ‘creative juices’ has basically turned into a meme between the people who work on the album. 

“Well, has it?” Sebastian asks.

Blaine shakes his head solemnly. He hasn’t told Kurt yet, since Kurt’s been so busy preparing for tonight, but he will. But now, he doesn't want Kurt to worry, since it is his opening night. Blaine excuses himself to talk to Kurt, who’s apparently talking about him.

Kurt loves him. He knows it. Blaine feels like he can breathe again.

Later, Blaine talks to Elliott about a possible collaboration in the hopes of finding his ‘creative juices’ and he hangs out with Eva Noblezada and the next thing he knows, Kurt tells him that he loves him.

They spend the rest of the evening dancing to the soundtrack of Hadestown. It’s a perfect opening night.

* * *

A few days after Kurt’s opening night, Blaine sits him down to talk. He tells him everything that has been on his mind since New Year’s Day.

Kurt scrunches up his face in confusion. “What do you mean? You have absolutely nothing written down?”

Blaine shrugs nonchalantly. “I have no story to tell.”

“Then what do you do when you’re in the office by yourself?” Kurt asks, confused.

“Trying to write,” Blaine answers, “There are lot of drafts in the trash. Nothing feels right anymore. I have been in a weird mood since our argument after New Year’s. I’m just not in the right headspace to write anything. There’s nothing.”

“I’m sorry?” Kurt asks, but he already notices that he has nothing to be sorry for.

“We’re good. We’re fine and I love you.”

“And I love you too.”

Blaine still gets a warm feeling. It’s quite recent, and it feels so good to hear it again.

Kurt still looks confused. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing, love. I am certain it will pass. It’s just a creative rut and it happens to the best of us,” Blaine says. It’s only half true. He’s been hoping that this uninspired phase will pass for weeks now. Blaine does not want Kurt to burden with all of this. He can talk to Wes about the nitty-gritty stuff while Kurt’s off killing it on Broadway.

Kurt looks uncertain. “Okay, but promise me that you’ll talk to me if something goes wrong.”

“I will,” Blaine lies easily.

It’s clear that Kurt wants to continue this conversation, so Blaine just picks up the TV remote and turns on the TV. “Netflix? We should definitely inform them that you’ve forgotten your password for obvious reasons. This is why we should’ve shared Netflix accounts. Ah well, at least we have your User ID.”

Kurt’s still looking uncertain, but he plays along and says: “Well, not my fault that my account has more premium content.”

Blaine huffs as he selects his own account. “What’s the point of paid streaming services when they also charge for additional premium content.”

“Don’t tell me. This whole streaming on demand thing is still relatively new to me!”

Then, Kurt cuddles closer and Blaine puts on a romantic movie. For now, they can focus on that. They’re fine and in love.

* * *

Rachel is fuming. Kurt’s just left the room and the awkward atmosphere is palpable. Isabel looks very uneasy. Rachel’s on the verge of tears.

“Come on, dear, this much stress and anger isn’t great for the baby,” Jesse says and he puts his hand on Rachel’s belly.

“I love Finn,” Rachel grits out and she tries to blink the tears away, “I really, really do. I love him and I always will, Jesse, but why can’t he see that I love you too?”

Jesse looks solemn and he makes Rachel sit down. Blaine’s afraid she’s going to snap Jesse’s hand, since she holds on tight. Jesse doesn’t flinch, though.

“He will, though,” Blaine says quickly. They all know it is true. “You know that this is new for him. When you got engaged years ago, he had a similar reaction, but he’s fully accepted Jesse as part of the club.”

“Oh, of course you’re taking his side!” Rachel snaps, “He can’t do anything wrong in your eyes, can he? He can literally regress all our fucking lives and you will still stand by him, since you don’t have the guts to ever stand up for yourself!”

“Hey!” Wes and Sebastian yell at the same time, before looking at each other in surprise. They’re not used to backing each other up. Blaine remains silent. He feels like he’s been slapped in the face.

“Okay!” Brittany yells loudly and everyone turns to her. She’s holding Isabel close. Isabel has her face buried against her mother's chest and she’s shaking. “You guys can talk this out, but I think we’re going back to the hotel.”

Santana crouches down and she says something in Spanish. Isabel nods slowly and she pulls her other mother closer.

Adam and Sebastian also announce their departure. After all, they had other plans.

“I’ll walk you out,” Blaine says. He doesn’t want to be around Rachel.

“She’ll come around,” Santana says when they’re in the hallway.

“I know she will,” Blaine says. Rachel is very impulsive with her words. That doesn’t make it hurt less, though.

Brittany gives him a kiss on the cheek and the three of them leave. They will see each other tomorrow. Adam and Sebastian also both give him a big hug before taking each other’s hands. They leave as well. Blaine has no reason to stand in the hallway, so he takes a deep breath before going back inside. Time to face the music.

Rachel’s on her feet again and she looks less angry. Wes is nowhere to be seen, but Mae quickly nods towards the bedroom to indicate that Wes has gone to Kurt. Jesse looks incredibly awkward and Kitty and Roderick have started cleaning up.

Blaine and Rachel look at each other and they wait for someone to talk.

Blaine is the first one to break the silence. “I have nothing to say to you, Rae.”

Rachel nods and says: “I’m not sorry for what I said, but I am sorry for the way I said it.”

Silence. Again. Rachel genuinely believes that Blaine doesn’t have the guts to defend himself.

Jesse cuts in by saying: “I think we should go home.”

Rachel agrees. “Yes, I don’t wanna be even near Kurt right now.”

Blaine wants to say something in Kurt’s defence, but then he sees the warning look that Jesse shoots him and he remains silent. Instead, he nods and Jesse seems relieved.

“I’ll walk you out,” Mae says, so that Blaine doesn’t have to do it. The three of them go to the hallway and Blaine follows Kitty to the kitchen. Roderick is doing the dishes.

“You know we have a dishwasher, Rod,” Blaine points out.

Roderick nods. “I know, but I like to wash the dishes when I need to take my mind off things.”

“Yeah, what a party,” Kitty says and whistles, “Happy for Rachel and Jesse, though.”

“This was not supposed to happen like this,” Blaine says sadly.

“No shit,” Kitty says shortly, “Nothing was supposed to happen like this. Kurt losing his memories acts like some sort of catalyst for everything else. If Kurt hadn’t lost his memories, our lives would’ve gone differently.”

“It would’ve gone the way it was supposed to go,” Blaine says bitterly.

“I thought you had accepted it,” they hear. Wes and Mae are standing in the doorway that leads to the kitchen. Wes looks confused. “You said so yourself. We all know by now that the chance of Kurt ‘coming back’ is slim and we have to live with that. You two talked about it after New Year’s.”

“I know that, Wes,” Blaine groans, “And we’re trying. We all are. But it’s easier said than done. He wants to continue living, but time after time, he gets reminded of something like this. First Isabel and now Rachel’s pregnancy… imagine his reaction when I tell him that we were supposed to start having kids!”

“Kurt knows that life is going to be weird for him, especially with his newfound commitment to continue living in this year instead of 2013. He just needs time,” Wes says.

“Yeah man, you don’t have to explain and defend Kurt’s actions to us. We can all see what is going on,” Kitty adds and Mae nods in agreement.

Blaine looks at all his friends. “Guys, do you think Rachel is right?”

Roderick starts scrubbing a pan rigorously and Kitty grabs a towel to dry the dishes so that she doesn’t have to meet Blaine’s eyes. Mae looks at her feet. Only Wes has the guts to look Blaine in the eyes.

“I agree that she could’ve worded it differently, but she has a point,” Wes says, “Hell, you know that she is right. After all, that’s why you’re working so hard on caring about yourself as well and not always putting Kurt up front.”

“Thank you for telling me that directly,” Blaine says and he eyes his other friends.

“The upside to having a straight friend is that I can give it to you straight,” Wes shrugs.

“You are forgetting that everyone in this room is straight except for Blaine and Mae,” Kitty points out, “We’re just non-confrontational and occasionally shitty friends.”

Blaine laughs. “At least you’re self-aware.”

“Of my heterosexuality?” Kitty says innocently.

“Okay, let’s get this place all nice and clean,” Wes claps his hand, “Awkward time is over. Cleaning time is starting! Rod, do you still wanna do the dishes or can we load the dishwasher with the remaining stuff?”

“ _Whatever_ ,” Roderick sings.

“Blaine, tell Mimi to put on a cleaning playlist. We’re gonna turn this into a party after all!” Mae says.

“Mimi, start Spotify playlist Cleaning Showtunes!” Blaine yells.

“No, not the showtunes one!” Kitty groans, but a couple of minutes later, they’re all singing along to It’s A Hard-Knock Life from Annie.

* * *

So, the wedding is officially cancelled.

Blaine saw it coming from miles away and he’s calmer than expected, but that does not mean that he’s jumping with excitement about this new development. He helps Kurt up from the floor and they talk about Kurt contacting Emma and they talk about the loose paint.

“It’s almost poetic in a sad way,” Kurt says as he looks at the dresser, “Nothing is the same anymore.”

“Life might not go back to normal,” Blaine says nonchalantly.

“I guess it’s time to make a new normal,” Kurt sighs and Blaine looks up.

“A new normal?”

Kurt laughs bitterly. “Normal doesn’t seem normal anymore. What can we do otherwise? We can’t go hoping for things to go back to normal.”

Blaine thinks about that. He’s been telling himself that he’s okay and that he’s let go and that he’s accepted all of this, but he still wanted to go back to normal. But there is no normal.

“Well, I should call my dad to ask him about all of this. Maybe we should send back the dresser before I ruin it even more,” Kurt says and then he looks at Blaine, “I’m going to need some time alone. Is that okay?”

“You don’t have to ask, love,” Blaine says. Besides, he thinks he wants to take a walk around the city. It’s still nice outside and March in New York can be lovely. “Take your time. I’ll see you at five anyway, since we have to be at Kitty and Roderick’s place at six.”

“Ah yes, another dinner date. We truly are in our thirties.”

“We are.”

Kurt takes his phone from the nightstand and Blaine sees that as his cue to leave. He goes to the hallway to get his coat, his phone and Springo and a scarf, and then he’s out of the door.

He walks around the city and luckily no one stops him to ask for a photo. He does see some girls take a photo of him, but he brushes it off. He’s walking around and he looks up to see the wires everywhere. New York really has changed ever since he first moved here. He’s always taken it for granted, since he lived through those changes with ease. He can’t remember the way he felt when they first started putting the wires everywhere. Surely, he was sceptical, but he can’t actually remember what happened. One day, the wires were there.

He continues his walk and he tries to imagine what New York used to look like in 2017, when he first moved here. When did the first Pret A Manger arrive? Where did the buildings from Google used to be? In what year was the Apollo finally a recognised Broadway theatre? Did the H&M always have that logo? Or the Starbucks? And if not, when did they change logo’s?

All those changes have passed in the past eleven years, but for Kurt, they all happened in one night all those months ago. Kurt had been in the city since 2012. This version of New York is his new normal, but for Blaine, it is just normal.

He fishes his wireless earbuds out of his pocket and he tells Mimi to put on some music. He also texts Adam to cancel all remaining wedding obligations and then he continues to look around in awe. When was the last time Blaine actually looked around New York?

He does look at it with a new lens, though. He tries to imagine what New York would be like in a new normal. His life is absolutely ridiculous and he knows it. For months, nothing has made sense, except for Kurt just being there. And sure, they’ve gotten so much better at living in this new normal, but Blaine hasn’t exactly stopped to think about it.

Kurt doesn’t blame him for anything, though. It’s something that Blaine didn’t know he needed to hear. After all, his friends have pointed out that Blaine is too invested in all of this. Yet, he was also caught up in his own mess up until a point where he did not notice something so vital as Kurt’s compulsive actions. Everything’s been messy for months.

He needs to take a step back and look at it from this new perspective.

Mimi stops the music to show that he’s getting a call from Adam, but Blaine waits for the call to end. He can deal with the wedding cancellation later. Right now, he’s just a guy walking around in New York City.

The dialling tone dies down and the music comes back on, but Blaine suddenly feels something he hasn’t felt in a very long time. He takes out his phone in order to stop the music and he opens the notes app. He selects the voice-to-text option and he starts talking about everything that’s on his mind. Mimi writes it all down for him.

He’s inspired.

Blaine walks around New York with a smile on his face while rambling. It isn’t song writing, not yet, but it feels good.

* * *

“It’s been a weird couple of weeks.”

Wes and Sebastian are still looking at him. Blaine doesn’t blame them. He’s been bitching about not being able to write for weeks and suddenly he arrives at Sebastian’s doorstep with a stack of papers with lyrics. It’s quite a change.

“So, the creative juices are back?” Sebastian asks hopefully.

“Stop saying creative juices!” Blaine says and he rolls his eyes.

Wes puts a hand on his chest. “Oh, my influence! I could be a late 2010s Instagram influencer!”

“You could still be an Instagram influencer, but I wonder if your influence will be interesting enough since no one uses that app anymore,” Blaine points out.

“Stop derailing the conversation,” Sebastian cuts in before Wes can say anything else about Instagram. He picks up the first page so that he can actually read what Blaine’s written. “Again, I assume that the creative juices are back?”

But Blaine shakes his head. “I don’t think so. At least not yet, but this is a start.”

Wes tries to look over Sebastian’s shoulder so that he can also read the first page. “Dude, this is one hell of a start. This is a big stack of lyrics. It’s almost an entire album.”

“Well, you can call it a concept album if you’d like.”

Sebastian reads the page and he seems impressed. “If it’s not the - sorry for saying this again - creative juices, then where did all of this come from?”

“Blaine, this is really good,” Wes says as he skims the page, “I agree with Sebastian: where did all of this come from?”

“Thanks, and it is the result of realising that I have no fucking clue what is happening. I think I told Wes weeks ago that art is about presenting or representing life and that I had no clue what life looks like.”

“I remember that, yeah.”

“Yeah. A while ago, Kurt said something that made me think. Everything’s been shit, guys. Everything has been complete and utter shit for a while now. I had no idea what my world looked like and the fact that I was constantly going back and forth truly wasn’t helping. One moment, I felt at peace. The next moment, I thought I was losing it. On one day, Kurt and I would be super confident about all of this, and the next we’d be crying our eyes out. It’s good and we’re happy and in love, but it’s also shit and rough. I have no clue how I want to present life, so I decided to just not care.”

“It’s been an emotional roller coaster for all of us,” Wes says solemnly, “But you two have been hit the hardest during the ride.”

“That is actually a great metaphor and I might use that in a song one day,” Blaine says and Wes shoots some finger guns.

“Credit me.”

“Always,” Blaine also makes finger guns.

Sebastian groans and waves his arms. “Back to the roller coaster and the juices – wow, this is getting worse, Wes – because I actually really want to know how you’re doing! You’re good?”

“I’m good,” Blaine confirms, “I think I was stuck in this mindset that I wanted things to go back to normal. And then I had accepted that that wasn’t going to happen, but then I got stuck in the mindset that I wanted things to go back to normal as much as possible. The thing is that normal doesn’t exist anymore. I need to stop looking from this normalcy perspective and I need something new. We all need something new.”

Wes looks incredibly proud when he says: “Is that why you called his concept album A New Normal? I thought it might’ve been a Next to Normal reference.”

“Well, it is true that I am advocating for a revival of that show, since it closed in 2011 so it’s been long enough-”

“Blaine.”

“-but yeah, that is why it’s called A New Normal. Or, I mean, it’s all just a work-in-progress, but that was the first thing that came to my mind. I just rambled and Mimi transcribed everything. Then I turned all my musings into lyrics. A lot of stuff has happened. I feel like I’ve grown and matured and changed more in these past few months than in my entire life and it was a lot. It’s like every time we take two steps forward, we take one step back.”

“But that is still one step forward,” Wes says.

“I was about to say that, smartass,” Blaine says and Wes sticks out his tongue.

Sebastian rolls his eyes, but he laughs when he says: “Yes, we’ve all matured so much.”

“Shut up,” Blaine says and he also sticks out his tongue. Sebastian, who’s always the more stoic one, breaks and starts laughing and then Wes starts laughing and when Wes laughs, Blaine laughs. The three of them are still laughing when Adam gets home.

Blaine’s surrounded by laughing friends. He’s really good. He looks at the stack of papers and the sheet of paper in Sebastian’s hand. It’s a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line about “two steps forward, one step back” is inspired by [ItsNotEasyBeingQueen’](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fusers%2FItsNotEasyBeingQueen%2Fpseuds%2FItsNotEasyBeingQueen&t=ZTEzMWJhMmFlODAyYzEyNWE2ZTA5YWM0ZmU4NTRhNjEwYjdhMTRiZixZbmJSaEs3NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A1_FbMVvKlyXyfeQlKE-AmQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fforabeatofadrum.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F621942636636471296%2Fmyosotis-sylvatica-2124&m=0)s comment. I remember reading that comment and going: “This is it! Congratulations, you’ve stripped down Myosotis sylvatica to its bare essentials!” 
> 
> The story is slowly coming to an end (2 more chapters and an epilogue, yo!), but these boys will get there.


	22. Verdict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By now, you’re probably used to my long notes. This is going to be another one. I was going to write something like “remember when the neuroscientific stuff had to be taken with a grain of salt, then take the microbiological stuff with even more grain of salt” (which is still true, by the way, check the end notes for more) and then I was going to promote Amber Riley’s [#unMUTEny tag on Twitte](https://twitter.com/MsAmberPRiley/status/1268591432924712960)r that’s all about boosting Black voices in the entertainment industry. I was going to post this beast of a chapter in July to keep up my accidental “one-chapter-a-month” update schedule after finishing my university paper.
> 
> And then Naya Rivera died.
> 
> It’s been a month since her body was found and I still cannot believe this happened. I’ve expressed my thoughts on Tumblr and I leave you with my [previously mentioned university paper since I dedicated it to her](https://justasmallbloginabigklainefandom.tumblr.com/post/624197619287310337/final-paper). It’s about representation of queer women in glee. I never expected to write an orbituary in a university assignment/scientific paper, but I also never expected her to die so early.
>
>>   
> _NAYA MARIE RIVERA_  
>    
> _* JANUARY 12 TH 1987 - _  
>   
> _† JULY 8 TH 2020_  
>   
> 

**VERDICT**

Kurt is very nervous. It is his first time on television. Sure, it’s Blaine who is in the spotlight and Kurt’s in the audience’s front row, but Kurt doesn’t mind swaying in the background for once. The whole fame thing still boggles his mind, so it’s nice to have a chance to watch a televised moment unfold from afar.

The last few weeks have been quite a blur for Kurt and Blaine. Career-wise, a lot has happened. His previous understudy, the one who took over from Kurt during his leave, has left the show to pursue a film role and Kurt is back on the principle contract. Blaine’s “creative juices” have somewhat returned and he’s working hard with his team on recording and producing.

They were supposed to get married this month, but now they’re occupied with other stuff.

The applause pulls Kurt out of his thoughts. The late night show happily introduces Blaine. Of course, the album isn’t finished yet, but Sebastian thought it’d be a good idea to already start some promotional stuff, so that people can get excited. It’s been working so far. _A New Normal_ is a highly anticipated release.

Kurt watches Blaine walk on the set with so much poise and grace. He smiles charismatically and he thanks the host for having him. They talk easily and Kurt is charmed. This is Blaine at his best. He’s happy, he’s confident, and he manages to charm the entire audience with a couple of words. It’s quite a difference from the sadness and anger that have been haunting Blaine for the past few months.

And those little shits are still there as well, but right now, Blaine is doing what he’s best at and he loves it.

“Yes, of course, the past few months have been really weird for you,” the host says and the noise dies down. Kurt knew that the host was going to talk about the amnesia. Kurt gave his blessings, but now it is actually happening.

They’re going to talk about the amnesia for the first time since Kurt posted that Firmspring post.

Blaine makes a face. “Obviously.”

The host laughs and repeats: “Obviously.”

Blaine laughs along, but Kurt can see that it’s forced. So far, Blaine’s been his authentic self, but now, the media façade is coming up. Kurt knows that the camera will pan to him, so he also tries to school a neutral expression.

“I can imagine that it is quite a difficult situation to talk about, since this is very uncommon,” the host continues.

“Very, and I’m not going to lie, it’s been pretty terrible,” Blaine says and he shrugs. Kurt nods along. He doesn’t want to take his eyes off Blaine, but he knows that a cameraperson is focusing on his reactions. It feels weird. “We thank our fans for their patience and their continued support during these weird times. We also absolutely love our friends and family for their love and support.”

Blaine looks directly into the camera and mouths ‘thank you’. Kurt puts his hands over his heart and he also nods. He agrees with everything that’s been said.

And then it happens. Kurt knew that this was going to happen. A crew member holds a microphone in front of Kurt’s face.

Kurt keeps his neutral expression, but initially he tries not to freak out. He consented to this. He is going to show the whole world how much he loves this man.

The host turns to Kurt in the audience and says: “I cannot even imagine how strange it is to wake up 15 years into the future. If I may ask, how did you hold up?”

The _I didn’t_ dies on Kurt’s tongue. No, now is not the time to share his personal burdens. He would like to keep that personal. Instead, he looks at Blaine and says: “I’m just happy that I have Blaine with me. He’s been nothing but kind and accommodating throughout this entire ordeal. We’ve really worked together. As cliché as it might sound… we’re a team. I didn’t expect to have a gorgeous boyfriend, but he’s here and he’s real and I love him very much.”

It’s cringy, but it is true, so Kurt doesn’t regret saying that.

The audience coos and applauds. The host talks about Kurt and Blaine as a couple and Blaine adds some fun stories.

Then, the big question gets dropped: “How did this amnesia happen?”

Kurt sighs and Blaine’s smile slowly disappears. “We don’t know.” 

* * *

In the past few weeks, there have been a lot of trips to the hospital. They’ve been happening ever since the ‘Brittana Visit’ (Isabel’s words, not Kurt’s). The hospital had called to talk about a certain new field in biology regarding DNA and memory.

At that point, Kurt had been desperate for an answer (he still is), so he said yes. Ever since, doctors occasionally have been running tests. Of course, Kurt is still in contact with the neuroscientist, but another field of interest cannot hurt, right?

Kurt’s also had to gather DNA from family members. He’s answered questionnaires about illness within the family. He’s even been in a weird brain simulator, since the biology department works together with the neuroscientific one.

Of course, nothing is done without Kurt’s consent. The doctors have explained it. His main new doctor, doctor Park, has explained it several times.

“Over the past few decades, the idea that DNA can heavily influence memory has gotten more substantial empirical evidence,” she had said, “The genetic memory theory proposes that memory can be transferred biologically and therefore is stored in one’s DNA at birth.”

“Then, why aren’t babies fully-fledged humans after birth?” Blaine had asked. Of course, Blaine was with him most of the time.

“Because those memories are incorporated into a genome, waiting to be triggered by external stimuli,” doctor Park had answered, “Human development is a process and therefore all memories are not always accessible from the beginning.”

“This sounds like a sci-fi plotline,” Kurt had whispered to Blaine, but apparently, doctor Park has impeccable hearing.

“That is true, Mr. Hummel, hence the experimental aspect of all of this. After all, we do not have all skills from our biological parents whereas genetic memory theory predicts that all those skill memories are part of our DNA. Nevertheless, the idea that DNA impact memory has grown. After all, DNA already impacts almost everything else from disease to aging to hair colour et cetera. Some even claim that our DNA will become a storage for data. The idea that DNA can impact memory is no longer sci-fi.”

“But the thing is that I’ve _lost_ memories, not _gained_ them,” Kurt had said. He didn’t mean to sound condescending, but his head was hurting from this information dump.

Doctor Park didn’t comment on the condescending tone. “True, but if DNA can impact memory in general, then DNA might also impact memory in a negative way.”

And with that in mind, Kurt’s been doing experimental procedures and other kind of test. He’s not the only one working with the scientists, but due to privacy laws, all the participants are anonymous to each other. Honestly, Kurt doesn’t mind, but he does wonder if he’s not the only one with a huge chunk of unexplained memory loss, or if some people have different kind of memory problems.

He will have to wait and see. Kurt obviously is interested, but life goes on and he has other things on his mind. His wedding might’ve been cancelled, but his birthday is something he cannot cancel.

* * *

“Happy birthday, love,” Blaine is standing in the doorframe of their bedroom. He’s holding a breakfast tray.

Kurt puts away his phone and smiles. “Oh, so this is why you insisted on me staying in bed.”

“Well, I can’t make you breakfast in bed if you’re not in bed,” Blaine says. Something in Kurt’s memory tugs at that sentence, but Kurt pushes it aside. Not today.

Blaine hands Kurt the tray and he climbs into bed.

“Oh, I see how it is. This is a shared birthday gift,” Kurt jokes. Blaine rolls his eyes.

“Your actual present is in the living room. See this as a pre-game.”

“The word pre-game makes it sound like we’re hitting the clubs afterwards.”

“Aren’t we? Who knows!” Blaine says, “Maybe Rachel has organised a club night.”

On the day of his birthday, Kurt has to go to a surprise party. His surprise party. To absolutely no one’s surprise, Rachel begged Kurt to let her organise the party. Rachel really gets a kick out of organising lavish parties. She’s already planned seven different kind of baby showers.

“No one does gender reveal parties anymore, since that is so 2010s or early 2020s, so that means I have more time to plan other kind of parties!” she had said.

That includes Kurt’s 20th or 35th birthday party. But that is later in the afternoon. Now, he has breakfast and Blaine.

“Blaine, is this my 20th or my 35th birthday?” Kurt asks.

“I have no idea,” Blaine answers, “What do you think?”

“Well, obviously I _feel_ 20, but I guess I am 35. I think this will continue for the remainder of my life. I will have two ages.”

“Does that bother you?” Blaine asks.

Kurt shrugs. “Like I said, I think it will always bother me. I might never get over this happening to me, but life goes on. I have reached a level of acceptance.”

“How very sophisticated.”

“Yes, especially for a twenty-year-old,” Kurt snorts.

“Well, I am actually in my thirties and I can tell you that being in your thirties does not grant you the wisdom of the world,” Blaine says.

“Ah, there goes my excuse of ‘well, I am technically thirty-five so I better sound sophisticated’.

Blaine laughs and he leans his head against the headboard. “Remember when we were kids? We all thought that all adults had all the knowledge in the world. Kids are so damn gullible.”

Kurt takes a sip of his coffee before saying: “I don’t think little Kurt could’ve ever predicted this. Hell, even teen Kurt had no idea what was going to happen. I never thought adulthood would be so _medical._ ”

“Medical?” Blaine makes a funny face at the word.

“Wrong choice of words, sorry,” Kurt says, “But I mean with all the tests, and therapy for you and maybe for me, and all this talk with doctors and Mrs. Pillsbury about compulsions. It’s a lot.”

Blaine barks a laugh. “What an interesting thought on a day like this. Happy birthday, your adulthood is medical!”

Kurt also smiles. “Enough of that now. Today is a day for celebration. My ‘medical’ adulthood will have to wait.”

* * *

Blaine has his hands on Kurt’s eyes. He’s leading Kurt to the venue. Of course, Rachel has hired a venue.

Blaine whispers into Kurt’s ear: “Three… two… one…”

At the ‘one’, Blaine removes his hands and Kurt can see an entire group of people.

“Happy birthday!”

The loud crowd is deafening. Kurt looks around in shock. Dani, Clara, Luke, Elliott, Adam, Sebastian, Mae and Wes are here. Kitty and Roderick are standing next to Brittany and Santana. His dad and Carole are in the front of the group. Kurt does a double take when he sees that all of the New Directions is here.

He hasn’t seen some of these people in, well, _years_. They’ve all grown sixteen years. He’s seen Artie, Tina and Mercedes, but now everyone else is here as well. Sam has a ponytail, Quinn has dyed her hair red, Mike has grown a moustache, Puck is wearing too formal clothes and so on.

Then, behind all of that, Kurt’s friends and co-stars from his show are there.

He knows that not everyone in his life is here. A lot of people have come and gone in sixteen years. He’s forgotten most of them, which sucks, but right now, these people are here to celebrate him.

Kurt laughs when he sees Jesse at a DJ booth and Rachel has a microphone in her hand. “Let’s party!”

* * *

Quinn and Puck live in New Haven with their two adopted kids. Their son is named Finn and their daughter is named Lucy.

“Finn and Lucy are staying at auntie Frannie’s house in New Haven. We didn’t name Lucy, obviously,” Puck tells Kurt, “She was seven years old when we adopted her. That is why she’s older than Finn. Changing her name felt cruel. Besides, Quinn goes under the name Quinn, not Lucy, so it’s not like they both have the same name.”

“Finn was a name we both agreed on,” Quinn adds, “He was adopted as a baby, so we felt more comfortable changing his name. His birth parents never gave him a name, but the hospital called him Chad. What a terrible name!”

“But we kept it as a second name,” Puck sighs, “So our son is now called Finn Chad Fabray-Puckerman.”

Sam still lives in Lima and he is the glee club director, but he’s happy. Kurt still wonders if his relationship with Mercedes works out.

“Sure, we miss each other and we’re constantly talking about what to do next, but Lima truly is more my speed. I made my NYC dreams happen anyway. I assume that Mercedes has told you the story behind this,” Sam points towards his shirt. A photo of him being half-naked on a side of a bus in New York is printed on it. Kurt knew about the half-naked part, but not about the shirt.

Mike is married to an unknown woman named Miranda and they have an baby daughter. Mike’s wife and daughter are still in Chicago, since Miranda had work commitments.

“You don’t remember, but you love her!” Mike says while he swipes to the next photo of his baby. He coos when he sees a family photo. “Oh, Miranda was in such a sore mood, but Mei looked so cute in this romper. Miranda says hi, by the way, and she hopes that you can re-meet her soon.”

“Mike, Miranda and Mei?” Kurt asks.

“My father-in-law calls us the Triple Ms.”

Kurt loves hearing how everyone’s lives has worked out. He knew that all the New Directions members are successful, since Rachel and Jesse told him that months ago, but actually hearing it from these people in person makes him feel proud. Sure, he’s talked to them through messaging apps, but this is much better.

Rachel demands a performance and Kurt freezes in horror when the instrumental of _Don’t Stop Believin’_ starts playing, but he can’t deny that it’s their anthem. Mercedes takes him by the hand and the two of them join the others for a stellar performance.

It is a wonderful birthday.

* * *

Almost a full month after Kurt’s 20th or 35th birthday, doctor Park asks him to meet her. It sounded urgent, so Blaine cancels a meeting about scheduling an album photoshoot so that he can come along. They arrive at the hospital early in the morning. They scan their Springo’s to register and identify, and they take the elevator to the right floor. Doctor Park leads them to her office.

When the three of them sit down, doctor Park tells them something they did not expect to hear: “We might’ve found a highly possible cause for your amnesia.”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other in shock, before looking back to doctor Park.

“A highly possible cause?” Kurt asks in disbelief. He can’t believe it. He’s been waiting for this for nine months.

“What’s the verdict, doc?” Blaine asks, sounding cool, but Kurt knows him better by now. Blaine’s scared for a bad answer.

Doctor Park turns towards a monitor and Kurt’s test results and scans appear, but also something else.

“We’ve examined your DNA and we’ve found a small amount of a certain DNA methylation. This is a biological process by which methyl groups are added to the DNA molecule. Methylation can change the activity of a DNA segment without changing the sequence. DNA methylation is essential for normal development and is associated with a number of key processes. One thing that can happen is a case of amnesia.”

“And this is known?” Kurt asks.

Doctor Park nods, but she quickly says: “Before you ask me why we haven’t considered it before, let me explain. DNA methylation can indeed lead to amnesia in memory, but your amnesia is extreme. Your DNA had been checked before, but this aspect was quickly discarded. And we were correct, but only recently, we found out that there is actually a different kind of methylation. A hereditary one.”

“Hereditary?” Blaine asks.

Doctor Park nods solemnly. “A recent discovery has been made in Denmark’s microbiological field. Kurt, you are not the only one with this problem. Your condition is incredibly rare, but over the past three years, people have been experiencing a similar kind of problem.”

The monitor changes and ten dots appear on a world map. Two in Africa. One in Europe. Three in North America, one in Asia and, three in South America. “Ten people in a population of billions is nothing and who knows how many more people have flown under the radar. We might have to add an eleventh one, also in New York. This person decided to look for help after seeing you and Blaine on television. If there are already two in New York, then the chances of, for example, only one person in all of Asia is ridiculous.”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other again. Their story has made people seek help.

“Are you saying that a new condition is being discovered and Kurt is one of the registered people with this condition?” Blaine asks, amazed.

Doctor Park nods. She enlarges three other images on the monitor with a hand movement. She doesn’t even touch the screen. Some technological advancements are mind-boggling, even after months.

“This is your father’s DNA,” doctor Park enlarges one of the three images. Then she swipes to the second one. “This is yours. We’ve traced your bloodline. That is why we asked your father for a DNA sample. Other biologist over the world have done the same and everyone except for you had one thing in common: a change in DNA shared by a biological parent. Your father does not have this amnesia DNA part, but you do. And so do all the other ten people and their parent.”

“That doesn’t make sense!” Kurt yells out, “Then why are you associating me with these other nine people?”

Doctor Park looks him in the eyes and Kurt quiets down. Her stern stare makes everyone shut up.

“I was getting there,” doctor Park says and she swipes to the third image. It’s labelled _DNA MOTHER._ Kurt’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. His mother’s DNA?

Doctor Park sees the confusion and she explains: “We remembered that your mother has passed away twenty-seven years ago. You put it in one of our first questionnaires. Luckily for us, it is very common to be able to recreate DNA nowadays. We do that by using your DNA and your father’s DNA.”

“You can do that?” Kurt asks in surprise.

“It’s quite common, love,” Blaine says, “It’s on the news a lot. It helps solving criminal cases involving DNA.”

“It is 2028, Mr. Hummel, and a lot has changed since 2012. We sure can,” doctor Park says happily, “Your partner is right. It is a common practise and criminologists marvel over it. You can compare it with a simple math equation. If you add two and three together, you get five. Now, if you have the number five as your final answer and the number three as one part of the equation, you know that you have to subtract that three from five to get the other part of the equation: two. Of course, with DNA it is more complex than a basic math principle, but this is the best way to explain it. With this method, we’ve recreated your mother’s DNA.”

Kurt wants to comment on the possible unethical aspects of this, but doctor Park enlarges the image with his mother’s DNA. She puts it next to the image of Kurt’s DNA and it matches.

His mother had an amnesia DNA without knowing and she transferred it to Kurt.

Luckily, Kurt’s already sat down, because he needs a moment to process this. His mother probably didn’t know, since his father never mentioned it. His father probably doesn’t know either. Hell, he probably doesn’t know this amnesia DNA exists. Kurt didn’t know of its existence until a few minutes ago.

Next to him, Blaine has his head in his hands.

“Well, good thing I’m gay so I won’t be able to transfer this gene to my kids.”

But then Kurt remembers that it’s easier for same-sex couples to have biological children in 2028 and that he and Blaine were planning on having kids with Rachel and Quinn, so the terrible joke dies out.

“If you want to take a moment to yourselves, then I can lea-”

“No,” Kurt immediately says, “Doctor Park, I would like to ask more questions, if that is okay?”

Doctor Park smiles warmly. “Of course, Mr. Hummel, but do keep in mind that this is a quite recent discovery.”

Kurt nods. He still feels a bit numb, but his curiosity is stronger. If this is really happening to him, then he wants to know everything.

“So, my mother most likely had this condition as well?”

Doctor Park nods.

“Okay, then why didn’t my mother have this amnesia? My mother was in her thirties when she died and she didn’t have amnesia.”

“You pointed it out yourself, Mr. Hummel,” doctor Park says, “Your mother died in her thirties. Of course, we cannot account for your mother, but we can account for the other nine parents.”

“They all have amnesia like this?” Kurt asks, bewildered.

But doctor Park shakes her head. “No, not like this, but they do all have memory problems and some amnesia periods and all of that took place in their later years. These nine people all got some memory problems in their sixties.”

“So if my mother had lived, she would’ve been in her sixties as well. She would have had memory problems?”

“That is most likely,” doctor Park confirms, “There are hereditary conditions that get worse every new generation, like the Steinert muscle disease. That one becomes worse every generation, but problems also arise earlier every generation. Person A might get it in their eighties, offspring B will get it in their fifties, offspring C will get it during their teens, and so on. This is still a hypothesis, so speculation, but so far it looks like this is one of those hereditary conditions.”

“Wait, so I can get it again in my sixties? It can get worse?” Kurt asks and he immediately grips Blaine’s hand, “This can happen to me again?”

“Jesus fuck,” Blaine cries out. Blaine barely loses his cool in front of people like doctor Park.

Luckily, doctor Park shakes her head. “We can’t completely out rule it, but if it’s like the Steinert disease, then it will probably not happen again. Once it happens, it happens.”

“How will we know for sure, you know, that previous generations had it at a later age?” Kurt asks.

“That is what scientists are working on right now, but this is more difficult,” doctor Park answers and she lists: “First off, we only have nineteen people in our sample, not including your mother, which scientifically speaking is not a lot and as a result, it can lead to people questioning our validity. Second off, most people of your grandparent’s generation are dead. Third off, if those people all had memory problems at an older age, say eighty to a hundred, then it can easily be brushed off as Alzheimer’s or old age. And lastly, it’s still difficult to recreate DNA with only one DNA sample as a starting point. For your mother’s DNA, we had your DNA and your father’s, but for both grandparents on your mother’s side, we only have hers. Same goes for most the grandparents of all the other nine people involved. If I am correct, only the Brazilian person still has one grandparent alive, so we can take their grandparent’s and their parent’s DNA to recreate the DNA of the other grandparent, but that is only one person. Not only that, but your mother DNA is a remade, which creates even more problems.”

All the DNA talk boggles Kurt's mind, but he thinks he understands it.

“Bottom line, nothing is certain?” Kurt asks sadly.

Doctor Park looks remorseful. “That is true.”

Blaine takes a deep breath and Kurt thinks he’s doing his breathing exercises.

“But on the plus side, uncertainty means that the negative outcomes aren’t certain either. It is possible that this happened to you and that it is it. Of course, it has brought its problems-”

“You don’t say,” Blaine mutters. His voice shakes and he continues to breathe calmly.

“-but you can continue your life as ‘normal’ as possible,” doctor Park uses air quotes for the word ‘normal’. She also knows that these past nine months have shown a new normal.

Kurt has no more questions to ask and the reality sinks in. “Doctor Park, could we have a moment after all?”

“Of course,” doctor Park quickly gets out of her seat and she leaves the office.

“What now?” Blaine asks.

“Do what she says. We must live on, even with all this uncertainty,” Kurt says solemnly. He leans against Blaine. This is a lot to take in. “I think we should tell my dad about mom.”

“I’ll ask Mimi to put a call reminder in the calendar,” Blaine says weakly.

“Are you sad?” Kurt asks.

“Are you?”

“… I don’t know,” Kurt admits, “I just feel numb. These past few months seems surreal. I know that they’ve happened and I know it isn’t all bad, but it sounds like something from a story. This doesn’t happen to real people. This doesn’t happen to me. Besides, I have spent so many times grieving what I’ve lost, I feel like I don’t want to be sad about this and start all over.”

“You can be sad about this, love,” Blaine says.

Kurt nods. “I know. And I probably will be, but if there’s one thing that I’ve learned since New Year’s is that I must keep on living. I can’t act every day as if I’m going to lose it all, even when that is a possibility.”

And it’s true. Kurt will probably have bad days about this. There will be moments where it’s just too much, but he must carry on. He leans away so that he can look Blaine in the eyes. He’s not surprised to see that Blaine’s crying. Kurt doesn’t know why he’s become the more rational one in this relationship, but both of them crying won’t help anyone. He wipes Blaine’s tears away.

“Whatever happens, we’ll do it together.”

“Fearlessly and forever,” Blaine says back.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

After they dry Blaine’s tears, they ask doctor Park to come back in to talk about their options. This sucks, but they have to go on anyway. Blaine has an album to release and Kurt has to do eight shows a week. Kurt loves his life, even though it didn’t go as planned, and this won’t stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *claps hands* So, that sure was something! 
> 
> Just to be clear: as far as I know, everything that I’ve written down is fiction. Myosotis sylvatica is not meant to be sci-fi, but this is fiction. I know way too little about DNA and microbiology and genetics to predict if this is a plausible future for those scientific fields, but in this story, it is. The gene theory aspect in this story is meant to be that: a possible future research question. I left some things vague for that reason, because I simply cannot go into details.
> 
> I did once again wrack my brain over readings that I did not understand. I cannot post my bibliography here, since it pushed my end note over the allowed word count, but you can find it in [the Tumblr version of this chapter](https://forabeatofadrum.tumblr.com/post/626285545451143168/myosotis-sylvatica-2224). While you're at it, feel free to reblog this chapter!
> 
> Still, it is fictional and take the factual information with an extreme grain of salt. I mostly read the abstracts and 90% of the time, I did not understand it (this is why I am studying social sciendes). For example, I have no clue what a methyl group (big part of the whole DNA methylation thing) is and what it does. Everything I found, even on Wikipedia, was written in biologist jargon so I did not understand it. I don’t even know if these articles here are all about the same thing, but hey, I tried.
> 
> If you do actually understand anything about this and you notice some (possibly extreme) inaccuracies then, well, then I guess Myosotis sylvatica has become sci-fi after all.


	23. Worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! For my birthday, I gave myself a finished chapter! (Well, actually, I finished this on the 15th, but I’m publishing it on the 16th, and who’s counting?)
> 
> We’re coming to an end, since chapter 24 is a very long epilogue. I’ll save my thank you’s for that moment, but I do want to give a shoutout to todaydreambelieversfic on Tumblr and their Author Spotlight series. Thanks guys for putting me in the spotlight this week.

**WORRY**

_“I hate you!”_

_Santana rolls her eyes. Kurt fights the urge to do the same. By now, they’re used to Rachel’s outburst. That’s the side-effect of living with her. Although, this time, Santana gave Rachel a reasonable reason to yell._

_“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Rachel keeps yelling while she’s rinsing her bag._

_“Oh, get over yourself!” Santana’s speech is still slurred. She’s still incredibly drunk. Some people feel better after throwing up, but Santana looks like she’s about to do it again._

_Rachel keeps shouting and Santana yells back. Kurt sighs and retreats to his room. He hates his curtain-walls in times like this, but he gets ready for bed and he tries to sleep. Tomorrow, it will all be over. He knows his roommates._

_Tomorrow, it will all be fine._

* * *

_Kurt’s head is pounding. He slowly opens his eyes and he blinks at the sudden light. He’s lying on a cold floor._

_There’s someone hovering over him._

* * *

It is August 1st 2028. A year ago, Kurt woke up on the kitchen floor and his life was changed forever.

Kurt takes the day off.

It’s morning and he sits on his bed. He’s deep in thought.

How do you handle a day like this? Do you celebrate it? Do you go out for dinner and raise a glass while yelling “ _A year, baby_!” as if it’s a big anniversary? He doesn’t feel like celebrating it, but it is also too important to just ignore it.

Sometimes, Kurt dreams that _this_ is all a dream. He dreams that he goes to bed to block out Rachel and Santana’s fighting and that he wakes up the day after in 2012. He wonders if those dreams are dreams or memories. After all, Kurt’s lived through August 1st 2012 . He’s lived from that day all the way through July 31st 2027, but he just can’t remember it apart from the few glimpses that sometimes show up in his daily life.

Kurt’s started writing down all his small memories, but it’s still only a few pages filled with random trivia. Most things that come back to Kurt are so minor. The big life moments are gone and maybe for good.

Doctor Park and her team are trying to dissect the pieces of the amnesia DNA, as they call it.

Life is confusing and at moments like this, Kurt wishes that his mother’s dresser were still here. They sent it back to Ohio to have it repaired and then they decided that it would be better off at Burt and Carole’s condo.

He shakes his head. No, the dresser wouldn’t do any good. Sure, the emotional support aspect of feeling his mother close helped, but as Mrs. Pillsbury put it, it can become too much.

Besides, his mother’s love will always be there. He does not necessarily need an object to symbolise it. He just knows that he is loved.

“What are you shaking your head for?”

Blaine is leaning against the doorframe. He also took the day off so that he could be with Kurt for now.

“Thinking about how my compulsive behaviour has affected my life. Just the usual stuff,” Kurt deadpans. Blaine looks a bit concerned, so Kurt rolls his eyes playfully.

“Sorry, I worry,” Blaine says, “You looked like you were deep in thought. I almost didn’t want to disturb you.”

Kurt stares at the spot where his mother’s dresser used to be. “It’s been a year.”

Blaine sits next to him and he leans his head on Kurt’s shoulder. “That is true.”

“What do you do on the one year anniversary of the day that you lost 15 years of your memories?” Kurt asks.

Blaine snorts. “Well, who knows. As far as we’re aware, you’re one of the ony people in the world who has this condition.”

Kurt nods. “Doctor Park said that if 0.0001 percent of the world’s population has the amnesia DNA, it will still be ten thousand people. Nothing compared to the full ten billion, but Blaine, _ten thousand people_. There might be ten thousand people like me out there and who knows how many people have been there before me.”

“The world’s population also keeps growing. Three billion more people in the past sixteen years,” Blaine says.

Kurt thinks about that. Blaine is right. There might be more people with this condition than expected. Doctor Park’s numbers are high, even with such low percentage, but that’s an estimate that’s based on other kind of unknown conditions.

“Yes, so then the amount of people with the amnesia DNA might increase as well. After all, 0.0001 percent of fifteen billion is fifteen thousand people.”

Blaine looks up. “Not that I’m not interested in anything that you have to say, but why are you talking about these big numbers?”

What if those numbers are higher, but not due to a higher number of people, but due to a higher percentage?

“You have your thinking face on,” Blaine says.

“What if I can use my fame to spread awareness?” Kurt looks back to Blaine, “Isn’t that what influencers are all about? After all, doctor Park estimated that percentage based on other conditions. What if I make people aware of this and people will step forward. One person already has.”

Blaine has a huge smile on his face and he then pulls Kurt towards him for a kiss.

“What was that for?” Kurt asks when Blaine pulls away, “Not that I’m complaining.”

“I’m just so proud of you.”

“So you think it is a good idea?”

“Fuck yeah, I think it is a great idea!” Blaine exclaims enthusiastically.

“This does mean that I finally should become active on social media?” Kurt jokes.

“It’s a wonder that you’ve barely touched it in these past twelve months. That’s unheard of in 2028!” Blaine says back, “Heck, it was probably unheard of in 2012 or 2013.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. His avoidance of social media isn’t that special. He’s still used to the 2012 social media and now, it’s become overwhelming and it is weird that people share and monetise every aspect of their lives. But he also hasn’t given it a chance, so maybe now is the time to learn. With great difficulty, he says: “Yeah, maybe Sebastian can help me out.”

Blaine raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Does that mean that Wes is the only Sebastian-hater from now on?”

Kurt laughs. “Probably. I never truly hated him. Does Wes?”

“Oh, yeah, definitely,” Blaine deadpans.

“Hm, well, I can understand why.”

Blaine shrugs. “He’s also never fully forgiven me for forgiving Sebastian, which is valid.”

Kurt shakes his head. He might never fully understand whatever relationship Wes and Sebastian have, but Kurt might never understand a lot of things. This is a minor detail.

“Well, time for you to get us an ‘Our get along’ shirt,” Kurt says.

“You don’t have to fully depend on Sebastian. I can help out too. I’ve used my platform for advocacy before and I will continue to do so,” Blaine says. He tilts his head. “Are you serious about this?”

Kurt honestly has no idea what all of this will entail. He has no idea how to be an ‘influencer’, or whatever catchy term they will come up with in the following years. He has no idea if he’s cut out to be an advocate, but then he thinks about that one person who’s already reached out after seeing Kurt and Blaine on television, and he just feels a surge of pride and happiness.

“Yeah.”

* * *

Kurt and Blaine decide to go out for dinner later. It’s not really a celebration, but it’s something, and they don’t feel like cooking. Even though they aren’t doing much, the emotional side takes a toll on them and they’re not in the mood to cook.

Apart from that, they spend the day talking about what will happen now and how Kurt feels. Raising awareness will mean that Kurt has to open up in front of a huge audience: the entire internet.

Over the past year, Kurt’s learned to be more vulnerable and he’s learned to let people in. He’s matured more in these past months than in his entire life.

Which makes sense, in a way. After all, he had to do 15 years’ worth of work in one year and he’s not finished yet. No one expects him to redo 15 years of emotional growth in such a small moment and it will never be the same, but Kurt’s confident with his abilities and he feels great.

So they don’t plan on big things. They’re going to keep August 1st small and simple.

At least, that was the plan.

Kurt and Blaine are in the laundry room when the phone rings.

Jesse.

Kurt asks Lizzie to put Jesse on speakerphone.

“It’s happening!” Jesse sounds panicked. Blaine drops the laundry that he is folding and Kurt and Blaine look at each other in shock. They immediately know what Jesse’s talking about, but he still yells: “Rachel’s gone into labour!”

“It’s happening!” Kurt echoes.

Blaine nods and also says: “It’s happening!”

“It’s happening!” Jesse says again and then he hangs up to call the others. Kurt and Blaine are still looking at each other. They’re in awe. Rachel’s due date was indeed in August, but they still didn’t expect it to be so early. Her due date was later in August.

Of course, Rachel Berry steals Kurt’s thunder on Kurt’s big day.

“Well, at least we no longer have to worry about plans,” Blaine says as he rummages through the wardrobe. They’d planned the outfits for Rachel’s labour weeks in advance. They’re Kurt and Blaine, of course they’d do something like that. And Rachel practically demanded it, but they were happy to comply. The fact that Rachel wanted them to be there during the birth felt like a gift so this is the least that they could do.

They get changed and Blaine tells Mimi to hail a taxi.

“Rachel is in labour,” Kurt mutters to himself when they leave their apartment, “I cannot believe this is happening.”

“Didn’t Quinn give birth to Beth when you guys were in high school?”

“That was different! That was teen pregnancy! Typical day at McKinley!” Kurt says frantically, “This is adulthood.”

“Whatever you say, love,” Blaine sighs, “McKinley sounds like a weird place.”

“It was!” Kurt yells when he pushes on the button to get the elevator.

“Pushing the button multiple times isn’t going to make the elevator get here faster.”

“I know!” Kurt yells. Just then, the elevator doors open. Kurt ushers Blaine inside.

Blaine looks at him weirdly. “Kurt, you’re freaking out.”

“Aren’t you?” Kurt asks indignantly, “This is _Rachel._ She is giving birth. She’s becoming a mother.”

“I can’t wait to see your face when we get kids,” Blaine snorts before realising what he’s said, but Kurt’s too frantic over the fact that Rachel is in labour, that he doesn’t comment on it. They get into the taxi, who’s gotten there very fast, and they drive off to the hospital. They’re rich, so they give the driver a huge tip before practically running to the hospital entrance.

Roderick and Kitty are in the waiting room. They’re wearing matching bowling shirts, again. Kurt can’t comment on it, because Roderick grabs them by the arm.

“Go!” Roderick practically lunges Kurt and Blaine towards the reception, “They’re inside!”

Kurt furrows his brow. “You guys aren’t coming with us?”

Kitty snorts. “Kurt, only a limited amount of people are allowed to go in and you guys obviously have the priority here.”

Kurt doesn’t have time to dwell on that, because Blaine’s talked to the receptionist and he’s being dragged along.

“Oh thank FUCK you’re here!” Rachel yells when Kurt and Blaine enter the hospital room in scrubs. She’s sweating and midwifes are surrounding her. Jesse is standing in a corner and he looks very, very afraid.

Kurt raises an eyebrow and Jesse motions to him to come closer. “She’s becoming quite violent. She accidentally kicked a midwife in the face. Gosh, we once had to do one of those birth simulator things for a Broadway YouTube channel, so I know what it is like. I can’t blame her, but it’s best to stay out of her reach.”

Kurt did _what_? He tries to have the memory come back, but it doesn’t happen. When he sees Rachel in pain, he realises that it’s a good thing that he can’t remember it. Just then, Rachel almost kicks another person in the face. Kurt and Jesse exchange a horrified look.

“Jesse, not that we aren’t honoured, but why are we here? Kitty and Roderick didn’t get dibs on being the first to meet your child,” Blaine ponders. He’s also joined them in the corner, since Rachel is kicking and screaming.

Jesse looks a bit alarmed. His eyes widen and he stares at Rachel. “Well, she’s going to ask you to be the baby’s godfathers. But please, when she asks you after the birth, ask surprised! I wasn’t planning on telling you now, but I can imagine that you have questions.”

Kurt and Blaine stare at each other. They’re loss for words. Them? Godfathers?

They also look at Rachel, who sees them staring and she promptly asks: “What the fuck are you three looking at?”

The three of them quickly look away.

Blaine is still a bit loss for words, but he stammers out: “Jesse, I- we-”

“Save your thank you’s for later,” Jesse says and he winces when Rachel lets out a scream. Rachel usually makes a scene, but this time, everyone forgives her for it.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Kurt watches Rachel, one of his oldest friends, yell out in pain and agony while giving birth. She is old in Kurt’s eyes, but so is he. She’s having a freaking baby. Kurt’s long over the initial feelings of confusion and dread, since he’s gotten used to everyone being older, but now that it is actually happening, some of it comes back.

_Rachel_ is having a baby. _Rachel_. A _baby_!

This truly is happening.

* * *

Barbra Finley Berry-St. James is born on Tuesday, August 1st 2028 around 7:38 PM in the hospital in New York. She’s named after two people who have died: after Rachel and Jesse’s icon Barbra Streisand, died in 2026, and after Finn Hudson, died in 2013.

They’d kept the name a secret up until this moment. Kurt sobs quietly when he hears that the baby is named after his brother. Sometimes, it still doesn’t feel real that Finn is dead. Everyone else got to grow 15, now 16, years older, except for him. He isn’t the father to Rachel’s child, like it was supposed to be in Kurt’s mind.

But Finn’s legacy lives on. Daniel “Danny” Finn Schuester-Pillsbury, Finn Chad Fabray-Puckermann and Barbra Finley Berry-St. James are examples of his legacy. All the kids of the New Directions alums will hear about him, not only the ones who are named after him.

Kurt doesn’t want to think about being a father himself yet, but once he’ll have a child of his own, he’ll teach them all about their uncle.

Rachel is lying in the hospital bed and she’s cradling her newborn child. Jesse sits next to her and he’s in tears. Kurt and Blaine have changed out of the ugly hospital scrubs so that they can show Rachel and her new baby their well-chosen outfits and they sit on the chairs next to the bed.

“Barbra! Barbra Finley,” Rachel says sweetly towards the baby. Kurt’s never seen Rachel this loving and affectionate. The look on her face is made out of pure joy, adoration and happiness. Parenthood changes people. Kurt’s already seen it up close with Brittany and Santana, and now it’s time for Rachel and Jesse.

Rachel looks at Kurt and Blaine with tears in her eyes. “Boys, the reason I asked you to be here…” She asks them to be Barbra’s godfathers and even though Kurt and Blaine already heard the news from Jesse, they accept tearfully and they’re genuinely choked up.

They’re both well-renowned actors, but there was no acting needed. The four of them cry from happiness and after a while, Kurt and Blaine decide to give them some time alone. Kitty and Roderick are still waiting in the waiting room. They have already heard the news that Barbra’s born and they’re calling other New Direction members and friends of the family to tell them the big news.

Kitty hangs up when she sees Kurt and Blaine approaching and she pulls them both in a hug. “She did it!”

“She really did,” Blaine says.

“Luckily, she approved of my outfit,” Kurt says and he leans into Kitty’s hug. What a difference a year can make. A year ago, the thought of them being friends sounded too stupid for words, but now it’s reality.

“God, she better approves ours,” Roderick says, “This is my best bowling shirt!”

“ _Our_ best bowling shirt, Rod,” Kitty says while she’s still hugging Kurt and Blaine.

“Why do you guys insist on wearing bowling shirts on special occasions?” Kurt asks indignantly, “Roderick doesn’t even wear bowling shirts full-time anymore. You guys told me that it was his high school phase.”

Kitty pulls away and she sticks up her nose as a joke. “From all people, you should be the one to recognise fashion!”

Blaine laughs. “Kurt’s a trendsetter. Kitty has showed me photos of him in 2015 and he wore clothing that’s in style _now_.”

“Exactly, Kurt, know your damn fashion!”

“Do you still have those photos of me?” Kurt asks Blaine.

Blaine shrugs. “I don’t know, love. Most photos were sent through apps like SnapChat, so they got deleted. Other photos also ultimately got deleted to create storage. They were just silly snapshots to us. If we’d known that you were going to lose your memories of 15 years, then we would’ve put more effort in keeping them.”

“Shameful,” Kurt thinks, but he suddenly has a clear image of a certain outfit that he’s never owned before. Or at least, he doesn’t remember him owning it. “I did rock a long brown scarf.”

Kitty’s smile falters a bit. “Yeah, you threw it away in 2020, because Elliot’s dog peed on it.”

Kurt wrinkles his nose in disgust. “Past me left an expensive scarf in a place for a dog to pee on?”

“In your defence, alcohol was involved,” Roderick says.

Kurt laughs. “Tell me the full story later. We’re now here for Rachel, who’s stolen the spotlight on my big day.”

Kitty furrows her brow and Roderick also looks confused, until Blaine tells them that it’s exactly one year since Kurt lost his memories.

Kitty’s eyes widen. “Oh my God, Kurt!”

“Are you, uh, are you guys…” Roderick looks for the right word, “Celebrating? Commemorating?”

“Well, we had dinner reservations, but then Rachel had to go into labour. Damnit, Rachel!” Blaine says. Kurt laughs.

Kurt looks over his shoulder, back to the maternity ward. “It seems fitting. I forgive Rachel for stealing my thunder, but only this time.”

“Fitting?” Kitty asks.

Kurt turns back. “Yeah.”

Blaine, Kitty and Roderick all look at Kurt with questioning looks.

Kurt sighs. “It’s not like I’ve died a year ago, but still, it is a big loss. We’ve talked about this before. You three all know how I feel about this. I may never fully make peace with the fact that this has happened, and I will always feel a bit lost, and I will always feel two ages at the same time, but I’ve established a while ago that life doesn’t end. Life, in some way, has started again. It’s not like I planned, but it is what is given to me. And Barbra being born on this day sort of feels like August 1st can be about new life, not about loss.”

The three stare at him, speechless, and Kurt starts to doubt himself. Did that sound stupid? Was that too corny? Was it wrong of him to connect these events together?

But then Kitty lets out a whistle. “Damn Anderson, you’re no longer the only poetic one in our group of friends. Man, this is like a Hallmark movie!”

Roderick gives him a pat on the back and Blaine looks at him with his classic heart eyes.

“I love you,” he says and Kurt smiles.

Kitty pretends to raise a glass. “To new life, to Rachel’s spawn, to Kurt’s many revelations! To Barbra Finley Berry-St. James!”

The others join her. “To Barbra Finley Berry-St. James!”

An older woman shushes them and Kitty yells back: “This is a maternity ward, so expect celebrations, you dumb old h-”

“Alright, Kit-Kat, alright!” Kurt quickly shuts her up.

Jesse arrives not much later, so that Kitty and Roderick can also meet the baby. Some of Jesse’s friends are also on their way, but now it’s time for the New Directions. Kitty, Roderick, Kurt and Blaine follow Jesse back to the hospital room. Kitty coos and Roderick sheds a tear when they see Rachel with the baby.

Everyone moves closer and Jesse asks one of the midwifes to take a photo of the six of them with Barbra. Kitty puts it on the New Directions First Gen group chat (Kitty’s an honorary member, and therefore, Roderick is one as well) and all their phones blow up with messages and emojis and many, many gifs of dancing cats.

And memes. Sam spams everyone with memes.

Mike replies with photos of Mei, Quinn sends a video of Lucy and Finn shouting happily when Puck tells them the news, and Brittany and Santana send a selfie of them with Isabel. The New Directions have all grown up and it finally feels right.

* * *

A year ago, Kurt woke up on the cold floor and his life was changed forever. He’s spent an entire year trying to get back what he’d lost, only to find out that it was impossible. He’s lost and he’s grieved and he’s accepted that it will never be the same, but he’s also grown and he’s learned a lot.

And he’s gotten Blaine.

Blaine, who loves him and adores him and who has baggage on his own, but it’s nothing that the two of them can’t deal with. Kurt’s never grown this close with someone this fast, but Blaine’s defied all the odds. They’re a team and they will continue to be.

If you’d asked Kurt a year ago “Where do you think you’ll be in one year?”, he didn’t expect the answer to be in a maternity ward, surrounded with people he didn’t expect to find here. A year ago, the thought of Rachel being a mother was too weird. He didn’t expect it. He didn’t expect Jesse to be the father to her child. He didn’t expect to be close friends with Kitty Wilde of all people. He didn’t expect to know Roderick. He didn’t expect to be in love and to be happy with a man who loves him back.

But now, he watches Kitty make stupid selfies with Barbra while Jesse and Blaine laugh and Roderick and Rachel complain, and it feels right. Kitty sends them to everyone and Mae, Wes, Sebastian and Adam all send their very excited reactions and their congratulations.

Kurt looks down to Barbra, still bundled up in a blanket in Rachel’s tight embrace and he can’t help but to feel utter joy.

“To new life, little Barbra,” he says.


	24. Yearn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are. After 11 months, we have reached the end of the 2019 Advent. Thank you for waiting patiently, since I am ten months late, but here we finally are.
> 
>   
> While writing this long epilogue, I also wrote some ‘missing scenes’ about Blaine’s family finding out about the amnesia. The three chapters are published in [Myosotis scorpioides](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26702482).
> 
>   
> Now, enjoy reading the end of Myosotis sylvatica.
> 
>   
> 

**YEARN**

**January 2029**

Mae and Wes decided to marry on January 1st 2029, a year after their engagement. Yup, they have a New Year’s Day wedding. Some people in the wedding party still seem hungover. Mae and Wes both have wedding parties and Kurt is part of Mae’s.

They did not want to divide their wedding parties by gender, since that is outdated in 2029, and because they did not wanted to be limited in choosing their wedding parties. Besides, Mae’s sibling’s gender identity changes based on who’s fronting, and Mae definitely wants her sibling in her wedding party.

Kurt’s honoured to be chosen by Mae. He’s here with Kitty, Roderick and some people he doesn’t really know. Everyone’s sitting in the bride’s room, watching Mae panic.

Mae is shuffling around the room. She’s dragging the train of her beautiful wedding dress around.

“Mae, sit down, you’re driving us all mad!” Kitty snaps. It’s probably not appropriate to get angry at the bride on her wedding, but Kitty doesn’t care and she’s right. Mae’s shuffling is slowly getting on people’s nerves, since her dress rustles a lot.

Roderick says: “Should I sing?”

Kurt snorts. Roderick’s singing is often a miracle cure, but Mae is so utterly nervous that even that might not help.

“I’m not nervous about marrying him,” Mae says, as if she’s read Kurt’s mind, “I’m absolutely sure that I want to marry him and to start a family with him. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I love kids, that’s why I became a teacher! But my entire family is about to be here and some of them can be kind of judgemental and some of them flew all the way from Senegal and the Netherlands to be here and I just… gosh… jitters!”

Kate, one of Mae’s friends, gets up and she puts her hands on Mae’s shoulders. “Inhale.”

Mae does.

“Exhale.”

Mae does that as well.

“You know that your mom and dad will have everything under control,” Leslie, an alter of Mae’s sibling, says carefully. Mae is too nervous, so everything can set her off. As far as Kurt knows, Leslie is the one who fronts the most and who’s closest with Mae.

“I know, _I_ _know_ ,” Mae sighs, “But grandma Joke is gonna be here and you know what she’s like.”

“Fuck grandma Joke and her weird conservative views,” Leslie yells.

Mae rolls her eyes. “Nice of you to show on my wedding, Jan.”

“They’re right,” Kurt says quickly, “Today is about you and Wes. No one else. Not even us.”

Kitty nods. “Even though we’re the best wedding party ever!”

“Heck yeah,” Jeremy yells. He’s Mae’s closest colleague.

Mae still seems nervous and Kurt sighs. Wedding nerves. Kurt almost had them. It’s insane to him that he’s now at the age that his friends are getting married, but then again, Rachel had told them that Brittany and Santana got married in their early twenties.

Kurt’s phone beeps and he smiles at Blaine’s text.

_> Wes is totally freaking out. How’s Mae?_

Kurt looks at Mae talking frantically to some other people in the wedding party and he sighs.

_> I think she’s losing it tbh. How are you dealing with Wes freaking out?_

A reply comes quickly.

_> Not. I’m letting Adam handle all that for now._

Kurt snorts. He still thinks it is quite funny that Adam is part of Wes’s wedding party whereas Sebastian isn’t involved. The only reason that he’s invited is because of Mae. Wes almost barred him from coming.

_> He misses Angela, tho. He wishes she were here._

Kurt knows what Wes means. Kurt might not get married today, but knowing that Finn won’t be there at his wedding hurts. All this wedding talk has made Kurt think a lot about weddings and marriage. He watches Mae fumble with her dress, which horrifies Kurt, since the lace is delicate. Despite that, he smiles warmly when he sees Mae. She’s getting married! Kurt’s extremely happy for her.

The wedding planner comes in to tell everyone that it’s time to go. Mae pales slightly.

“Mae, Kurt is right,” Kate once again puts her hands on Mae’s shoulders to steady her, “Forget everyone else but Wes. Focus on him and how much you love him.”

Mae exhales deeply. “Okay.”

They all move to the barn, since Mae and Wes have a wedding in a barn just outside the city center. They were inspired by Brittany and Santana, who apparently had a barn wedding as well. The entire place is beautifully decorated. It’s a cold day, but Mae and Wes have put heating devices everywhere. It is really nice inside the barn.

Blaine and Wes’s old glee club does the music and they’re singing an acapella cover over _Can’t Take My Eyes Off You_. Wes is standing at the altar. Kurt and Leslie walk down the aisle together. The other members of the wedding party follow suit and eventually, Mae walks down the aisle with both parents.

Kurt moves to the side to stand with Blaine.

The officiator starts: “Welcome everyone to this wedding, bienvenue à tous à ce mariage, 欢迎大家参加这场婚礼, welkom allemaal op deze bruiloft.”

Kurt’s very impressed by this person’s language skills, but it’s true that people from all over the world are here. The officiator continues their speech. Mae and Wes didn’t write vows, because they simply didn’t want to, so the ceremony is relatively small.

“Do you, Wes Xiùlán Montgomery, take Mae Anniek Ndeye Faal-De Vries as your lawfully wedded spouse?”

“Heck yeah!” Wes yells loudly, which causes some people to laugh. To Kurt’s horror, some of the Warblers dab. Blaine has explained dabbing to him and it’s ridiculous.

“Do you, Mae Anniek Ndeye Faal-De Vries, take Wes Xiùlán Montgomery as your lawfully wedded spouse?”

A tear streams down Mae’s cheek when she says: “I sure as fuck do.”

“Then, by the power invested in me by the internet and the state of New York, I now pronounce you married!” the officiator says, “You may kiss each other.”

Mae immediately dips Wes into a kiss and the attendees stand up to applaud them. Kurt takes Blaine’s hand as they watch Mae and Wes kiss. It’s beautiful. The kiss goes on and on, but no one complains.

When they’re finally done kissing, they hold hands and they run down the aisle while the others applaud. Kurt and Blaine are standing side by side and they cheer loudly when their friends pass them.

All the other people in the wedding people follow after them, but Kurt makes Blaine stay put.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Kurt says nervously.

“Hm?”

“This whole wedding thing put things in perspective for me,” Kurt says. He takes a deep breath. “I think I’d like to get engaged again.”

And it is silent for a moment. Some might wonder why Kurt cancelled the wedding in the first place, since he got engaged again only a few months later. Some might say that Kurt should’ve postponed it, instead of fully cancelling everything. For a split second, Kurt is worried that Blaine’s going to ask those questions, since Blaine looks a bit confused.

But then he smiles widely.

“… Love, that is one hell of a romantic proposal!”

Blaine understands. Of course, he does understand why Kurt is asking him to marry now. It’s all about feeling. A few months ago, it didn’t feel right, but now it does. Blaine cups Kurt’s face and he plants a big kiss on his face.

There’s no ring. They are standing in the barn where their two friends just got married. But it’s just another thing that happened in an unexpected way, but it still feels right. It’s not the proposal Kurt dreamt of, but it’s his. Kitty said it a while ago. When you’re ready, you know, and Kurt and Blaine are definitely ready.

* * *

**July 2030**

On some days, Kurt still struggles with the fact that he’s lost 15 years of his life. He also still struggles sometimes with the fact that he has put everyone else’s lives on hold.

Especially Blaine’s. Most days, he can remind himself that Blaine truly does not mind, but other days aren’t as easy.

Quinn’s illness comes like a shock for everyone. She calls Kurt and Blaine to tell them the bad news.

“But I will be fine,” Quinn says confidently, “We caught it in its early stages. Medicine has evolved a lot in the last few years and there’s a big chance of a full recovery!”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other. They’re still not entirely at ease.

“We’ll be there for you,” Blaine says.

Kurt nods, even though Quinn can’t see it. “Yup, just say the word and we’ll fly to New Haven immediately.”

“Thanks boys, but I needed to talk to you about something,” Quinn says seriously, “It’s about our plan with Rachel. The treatment will leave me infertile. I will no longer be able to donate the eggs. I can freeze them, but is that what we want?”

Kurt looks at Blaine, who looks down to the phone.

“Well, it probably wasn’t going to happen anyway,” Blaine says solemnly, and Kurt feels his heart break. He’s right, though. Rachel has announced her second pregnancy and she accidentally let it slip that this is going to be her final one. Her body is done with being pregnant.

They never actually sat down to talk with each other and Rachel and Quinn about this, but now it is inevitable and under shitty circumstances.

Blaine tries to keep it together, but when he tells Kurt that he’s going to the office to write, Kurt knows that Blaine needs some space. The office is still a place for Blaine to retreat. They once talked about turning it into a nursery, but those plans are completely dashed now.

The moment Blaine’s in the office, Kurt tells Lizzie to call Kitty.

Kurt tells Blaine that he’s meeting up with Kitty and off he goes. On his way out, he looks at his Springo. It’s been almost three years since the amnesia and Kurt still goes rogue as often as possible, but he’s learned a while ago that going out all alone and rogue is hard.

He sighs deeply and he takes his Springo before walking the relatively short route to Kitty and Roderick’s new place.

Kitty knows that Kurt wants to talk about this. He’s told her over the phone.

Roderick is also at home, but he’s heading for the studio, so Kitty and Kurt have the place to themselves. Kitty makes a pot of tea and they sit in the living room. Kitty listens when Kurt tells her everything that’s on his mind.

“I mean, we were supposed to have kids three years ago, Kit-Kat. Quinn and Rachel were ready for us. Now, Rachel is pregnant with her own child and Quinn is ill. Now, I obviously don’t blame them, because we know that they aren’t baby machines for us, but this sucks. I am not ready to have children, but now it’s too late and Blaine will get nothing. And now I also feel like a dick because Quinn just got diagnosed with _fucking cancer_ and I am making it all about us.”

Kitty nods. “It is understandable why you two feel crap. And as long as you’re not totally making it about you, it isn’t terrible. After all, you care about Quinn.”

“Of course!”

“See! And with the baby thing… well, by now, we all know that none of this was ‘supposed’ to happen.”

Kurt groans out. “Yes, I know that! We are living the alternative to what was supposed to happen and despite some flaws and bad days, it’s going grand. But what is the alternative for this? I don’t think I can handle having a baby to care for in the next few years.”

And Kurt wants children, but he is only twenty-three. Emotionally. As he pointed out, he is living his ‘twenties’ differently than expected, but emotionally, he’s not ready. But the clock is ticking. In reality, he’s nearing his forties.

It’s as if Kitty knows what he’s thinking, because she says: “You know, my dad was forty when I was born and it never affected my childhood in a bad way. Sure, my childhood had one shit part, namely my parents’ divorce, but that was due to my parents not being compatible, not due to old age.”

Kurt shakes his head. “You don’t get it. I am just waiting to get that _feeling_ you know? The feeling of being ready. I remember how Brittany and Santana described it and I want that, but I also don’t see it happening. I’m not ready to be a father before my thirties, but unfortunately for me, I am fifteen years older than wanted.”

It’s just difficult. Kurt wonders if Kitty will truly get it. Kitty and Roderick don’t want children. Neither do Sebastian and Adam. All their friends who do want children already have them. Mae and Wes welcomed their first child a couple of weeks ago, so they’re swamped with work and Kurt doesn’t want to drop in unannounced.

“You don’t want to have a baby when you’re in your forties or possibly fifties?” Kitty asks, just to be sure, “Why? Because you don’t want your kids to grow up with parents that are too old?”

Kurt nods solemnly. Kitty put it in words, but it seems like that’s going to happen or Kurt and Blaine will die without having children. And sure, Kitty is right that ‘too old’ is subjective and there are probably children out there with ‘old’ parents who are absolutely fine, but Kurt does not want it.

Kitty looks deep in thought. Kurt drinks his tea while he waits for Kitty to tell him what she’s thinking about.

“Well, I might be saying some weird shit here, but have you ever considered… not having a baby? Like, instead go into fostering or maybe adopt an older child. Lucy was seven when Puck and Quinn adopted her.”

Kurt furrows his brow.

Adoption?

He can’t say that he never considered it. After all, he’s gay, so from a very young age he had to think about alternative ways to have children. Using a surrogate just felt like the obvious option to him and the fact that he, Rachel and Quinn made a pact in high school shows that he kept that as his most obvious option throughout his life.

“What are you saying?” Kurt asks.

Kitty smiles. She must feel so smart about her epiphany.

“From my perspective, it sounds like you’re afraid to be too old to have a baby. You are afraid that there’s a time limit and even though I can tell you that there’s not, you seem to be troubled with the idea of raising a young child at an old age. Yet, you still want kids. So yeah, have you and Blaine ever thought about fostering or maybe adopting an older child? Kurt, the world still sucks, so unfortunately, there are still a lot of kids in need of a loving home. Who would be more loving than you two?”

Kurt lets the idea sink in.

Kitty throws her free hand in the air. “Look, I am just saying! But, like, think about it.”

Before they can continue their conversation, Rachel unexpectedly shows up. She has plans to make a virtual card for Quinn and she wants all the New Directions members from the first generation, and Kitty, to be on it together with their partners.

“Oh Kurt, I couldn’t reach Blaine, but will you tell him to come over to sign it when everything’s ready?”

“You couldn’t reach him?” Kurt asks.

Rachel shrugs. “Nope.”

Kurt sets down his cup of tea. “I think I should go home.”

“But my card!” Rachel shrieks and Kitty rolls her eyes.

“You and Kitty can get a head start. Call me later. I will tell Blaine.”

He lets himself out and he walks back home. Kitty’s made a very good point. There are still alternatives to the alternatives. Once he’s home, he hears music coming from the office.

Blaine’s playing guitar and Kurt lets himself listen for a while. He always loves listening to Blaine. But then, the melody turns sad, so he knocks on the door.

The music stops and Blaine asks: “Kurt, is that you?”

“Yes, can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Kurt opens the door and he sees Blaine sitting on the couch with his guitar in his hands. His hair is a bit messy and he looks like he’s been crying.

“Rachel came over. She tried to reach you, but she couldn’t.”

“I had my phone on silent,” Blaine explains, “I needed some time to think.”

Kurt nods. That makes sense.

“Anyway, Rachel aside, Kitty and I talked about something interesting.”

“What is it?” Blaine puts the guitar away.

“I think we need to look into alternatives,” Kurt says and he closes the door behind him.

* * *

**July 2033**

At forty years old, Kurt did not expect to be standing at his brother’s grave. He’s visited Finn every time he’s in Lima, but this summer is the 20th anniversary of Finn’s death. It’s still weird that Kurt is out here, at forty years old, or twenty-five if you will, standing at the grave of his brother who never lived past nineteen.

Rachel is standing next to him with Barbra next to her. She’s holding her second child in her arms. On Kurt’s other side, Burt and Carole are talking to Finn. It’s sort of tradition. Apparently, on the 10th anniversary of Finn’s death, a lot of Finn’s loved ones crowded the graveyard so that they could talk to him, all together.

The graveyard is filled with Kurt’s former glee club. It is a weird reunion.

Wes is here as well. There’s a cruel kind of irony here. Angela is buried in the same graveyard as Finn. Wes and Mae don’t go to Ohio very often, since their families live elsewhere, but when they do, they do it for Angela.

Kurt and Wes don’t really discuss the talk about grief that they had a couple of years ago, but the mutual understanding is still there. Right after Kurt and Blaine’s wedding, the four of them came home to Ohio so that they could share stories about the weddings with their deceased siblings.

This time, Kurt has more big news. He waits for Carole to wrap up, but of course, Kurt gives her time. After all, he was her son.

Carole buries her face in Burt’s chest and together, they walk away. Kurt never asks what Carole tells Finn, since it feels too private.

Kurt, Rachel and Barbara move closer to the tombstone. Kurt crouches down to put down a fresh bouquet of flowers.

“Hey there. It’s me. Sorry I haven’t been here in a while, but I have a reason. Remember when I told you last year that Blaine and I were planning on moving out of the city center? Well, it happened. Of course, we’ll never truly leave New York, but now we have a house with a garden. I am not looking forwards to the commute to Broadway, but the garden is great and the garage is huge, and there’s a kid’s room.”

Barbra nods when she hears this. “It is for me, so that I can have sleepovers!”

Kurt and Rachel laugh.

“No Barbra, remember what we said? Kurt and Blaine moved house so that they can have other kids live with them if necessary.”

“Like me,” Barbra exclaims and Kurt stifles another laugh. Barbra automatically assumes that everyone revolves around her. She’s got that from her mother.

Rachel sighs. The irony is that Rachel finds Barbra a bit annoying, yet she has no problem thinking that the world revolves around _her_. Kurt looks at Rachel and Rachel says: “Let Kurt talk to Finn, okay Barbra?”

Barbra nods, so Kurt continues.

“Blaine’s still in New York to do some more work on the house. He says hi. We’ve started going into foster care. We might possibly adopt. Luckily, it’s become way easier in the 2030s, since a lot of new legislations have made the process easier and better. This way, kids can have a home earlier than before. We’re excited. We’re nervous.”

Silence. Of course. The tombstone can’t talk.

“I hope you’re excited too.”

Rachel puts her free hand on Kurt’s shoulder for support. “He sure is.”

* * *

**December 2035**

“Smile for the camera!” Blaine says and Kitty pushes the video recorder out of her sight. Kurt laughs when he sees it.

“Really? An old video recorder? What is this? 2005? That’s thirty years ago, Anderson!”

Blaine puts the focus of the camera back on Kitty and he says: “I am singlehandedly bringing back the old-fashioned home video, Wilde. None of this will end up on Firmspring, so no vlog. It’s all for us!”

Wes laughs from behind. “Woah, what’s next? You’re gonna turn it into a _DVD_?”

Blaine turns around, so that the camera focuses on Wes. “You’re joking, but I actually considered it. You can still get DVDs at tech antique shops. Or junkyards. But no, I’m gonna convert it to quirl file immediately. Honestly, I wish people would still use DVDs!”

“Yeah, because it was definitely fun to have all those discs scattered around your house instead of having it all on one quirl,” Wes deadpans in a sarcastic way.

“Yes, yes,” Isabel says from another corner of the room, “The DVD. Mama has told me about it. It’s what you used for your flip phones so that you could use Twitter.”

Isabel nods knowingly and after a small beat of silence, all the adults in the room burst into laughter.

“Close enough, kid,” Burt says.

Blaine makes a close up of Isabel’s confused face. “Isabel, I have memorised this moment!”

Kurt laughs again before leading Blaine away from Isabel. “Come, come, let’s not bother Isabel. She made a wonderful drawing for Julie, so let’s focus on that.”

Blaine looks up from the lens. “Where is Julie, actually? This is her birthday home video!”

Kurt looks around and he spots Julie talking to Rachel. Or, Rachel is the one talking and Julie seems desperate for a way out, so Kurt grabs Blaine by the arm and they walk towards her.

“Julie!” Blaine yells excitedly.

Julie and Rachel look up and Julie’s eyes widen at the sight of the camera.

“Oh my God, dad, don’t tell me you’re streaming this,” she says, panicked. Kurt and Blaine fall silent for a second before bursting into laughter again.

“Jules, this bad boy can’t even stream,” Blaine says as he taps the old video recorder, “It’s so old, it doesn’t even have Wi-Fi.”

Kurt laughs. “Your father is singlehandedly bringing back the old-fashioned home video.”

“Kids these days,” Blaine says mockingly before zooming on Julie’s face. She rolls her eyes. Blaine continues: “I can’t even imagine growing up in a time where it’s normal for parents to share their children’s entire lives on the internet.”

Kurt nods in agreement and he shudders at the thought of his parents filming his every move for views, but it’s a sign of the times. This home video will be for family and friends’ eyes only.

“Your dad is documenting this special moment,” Kurt says, “Uncle Cooper and aunt Devorah are almost here and then it’s time for the big birthday gift.”

“We want to remember this moment forever!” Blaine adds.

Apart from Julie, her friends, and the kids, everyone knows what the gift is going to be and as a result, many took the effort to be here. That’s why Cooper and Devorah are flying in from Los Angeles. Blaine’s mother was the only one who tried to come, but who couldn’t, but Blaine will definitely send her this video.

Rachel’s about to open her mouth to say something, but Julie quickly cuts in and says: “Well, in that case, I better wait at the front door.”

And then she’s gone. Blaine turns off the video camera, so that it can save battery life for the moment of the gift. This old camera still uses a cable that needs to be plugged into a electricity socket.

“God, it feels like yesterday since she started living with us and look at her now,” Blaine says, sounding emotional.

“The best two years of our lives,” Kurt agrees easily.

Julie was fourteen years old when she got placed in the Hummel-Anderson household. Then, everything went swimmingly. Sometimes, Kurt thinks it went too swimmingly. It almost sounds like a fantasy: Kurt and Blaine decide to foster and the first child they take in is the perfect fit. Julie’s the part that has been missing in their lives.

But then everyone reminds him that the systems have improved a lot over the years. Now, the happiness of the child will always be the first priority, and Julie soon realised that she wanted to be a part of the family.

Of course, the first few months were a bit rough, but once they broke through Julie’s shell, it became perfectly clear that this was supposed to be forever. All three of them wanted it.

When Kurt and Blaine started thinking about adopting older kids, they were thinking about seven year olds, like Lucy, or maybe slightly older or younger. And now there’s Julie, at age sixteen. She doesn’t know yet, but the envelope that she will be given for her birthday has the papers that confirm the adoption process.

Kurt’s life truly went different than planned. Here he is, at age forty-two, or more accurately, twenty-seven, and he’s leaning against his husband, thinking about his sixteen year old soon-to-be daughter.

For the first time since he woke up on that kitchen floor, something that ‘wasn’t supposed to happen’ feels different. This time, it feels like this was supposed to happen. Kurt, Blaine and Julie were supposed to be a family.

Kurt gets pulled out his thoughts when the doorbell rings. He turns around and he sees Barbra and Finn pressing themselves against the window.

Finn yells: “It’s Blaine’s brother and his wife!”

Blaine looks surprised.

“Earlier than I thought,” he says and he turns on the camera again. It’s go time.

“He’s finally on time for something.”

Julie was truly waiting by the door, so by the time Kurt and Blaine have reached the door, she’s already hugging Cooper’s wife Devorah. Cooper and Devorah also comment of Blaine’s old camera, but then everyone gets ushered into the living room.

Blaine pans around and everyone waves and smiles while they’re in the frame. It’s a messy bunch. It’s a mix between family, Julie’s friends from school, Kurt and Blaine’s friends from the city, and New Directions members that could come to New York for the weekend.

Blaine’s still filming Julie and they’re talking, so Kurt has the time to retrieve the envelope.

“Happy 16th birthday, dear!” he says and Blaine focuses the camera on Kurt, so that he can film the exact moment where Kurt hands Julie the envelope.

But then Quinn pats him on the shoulder and she whispers something in his ear. Blaine nods and he hands the camera to Quinn, so that he can join Kurt and Julie.

Quinn gives them a thumbs up from behind the camera. Her smile is radiant. She’s looking healthy.

Julie looks at the envelope with a curious look on her face.

“Open it, Julie,” Blaine says. Kurt can feel that Blaine’s bursting with energy. They’ve waited for this moment for quite a while now.

Julie opens the envelope and she takes out the first sheet of paper. At first, she scrunches up her face in confusion, but then her eyes start to dart across the paper and they grow wide when she realises what she’s holding.

“Really?” she looks at Kurt and Blaine, “ _Really_?!”

Blaine nods and he’s too choked up to speak, so Kurt says: “Really, really.”

And then there’s screaming of joy, and hugging, and crying, and a lot of cheering from everyone else in the room.

* * *

The last party guests have left and Blaine’s cleaning up some mess in the kitchen. Kurt wants to help out, but then he sees Julie sitting in the garden. She’s sitting on a blanket and looking up at the stars.

Kurt grabs his coat and he opens the door.

“Did you have a nice birthday?” Kurt asks.

Julie looks over her shoulder and she smiles when she sees Kurt. “Yes.”

Still, she as a weird look on her face. Kurt sighs and he sits next to her. “What is on your mind, Jules?”

Julie shakes her head, but Kurt raises an eyebrow, so she says: “It’s just weird. It’s official. Don’t get me wrong, it is good weird, but after being in care for so long and then two years of a voice in the back of my head saying ‘Julie, they will turn on you’, I was so convinced that you guys were going to give up on me, but you didn’t.”

Kurt knows that Julie’s had that voice in the back of her mind. Their accompanying social worker has talked a lot about it. The three of them have talked about it.

He also knows that the voice became smaller as time flew by. As Julie said: it is official. She’s theirs.

“Life takes a completely unexpected direction sometimes,” Kurt says, “I would know. I’m only twenty-seven.”

Julie snorts. “I can’t believe my dad is only eleven years older than I am.”

Kurt laughs too. “See! Weird, right?”

“I remember when I first heard about it on the news. And then when I first met you and dad, it didn’t click, since I didn’t know that dad was the face behind some of the greatest songs of our generation and I didn't connect you to the face behind one of the biggest neuroscientific research activist groups. But now, it just makes sense. You’re twenty-seven and forty-two at the same time.”

“And I still haven’t figured out the secrets of the universe,” Kurt says.

Julie rolls her eyes. “Dad, I know that adults don’t have all the answers.”

“God, I wish that were me as a child,” Kurt laughs.

Julie looks up to the stars again. Kurt follows suit and the two of them remain silent while they look at the stars. It’s quiet in the suburbs. Sometimes, Kurt and Blaine miss the city center, but they don’t regret their choice to leave. It’s peaceful here.

Julie likes it, and that is what matters most.

Eventually, Julie breaks that silence. “I wonder if the secrets of the universe are out there. But what are the secrets? I always wanted a normal life, but what is normal?”

“Don’t let your dad hear you, or he’s going to break into song,” Kurt jokes, referring to Blaine’s Grammy-winning album _A New Normal_.

“I wouldn’t mind. Dad has an amazing voice. So do you.”

“So do _you_ ,” Kurt points out and Julie looks bashful. Julie is extremely musically talented. They really are a perfect fit. “But I get what you mean. Ever since the amnesia happened, I spent a long time yearning for normalcy. The moment you realise that normalcy doesn’t exist, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders.”

“Exactly!” Julie exclaims. Then she looks back to Kurt. “You two have lifted that burden for me.”

Kurt smiles and he pulls Julie closer. “I love you, Jules."

They hear the door open and when they look over their shoulders, they see Blaine’s looking at the two of them with a fond look on his face.

“You’re doing a family hug without me?” Blaine pretends to be hurt.

Kurt spreads his arms. “Come here, my sweet.”

It doesn’t need to be said twice. Blaine also grabs his coat. At first, doesn’t move to Kurt. Instead, he sits next to Julie’s other side and Kurt and Blaine cuddle her from both sides.

“What were you guys talking about?” Blaine asks.

“Oh you know,” Julie says nonchalantly, “The secrets of the universe, the unexpected alternatives to your life, the old yearning for normalcy and how that burdens you. The usual for a 16th birthday.”

Blaine barks a laugh. “Sounds about right. You know, I based-”

“-entire Grammy-award winning album _A New Normal_ on those exact same questions?” both Kurt and Julie finish at the same time, which makes Blaine laugh again.

“We’re happy, though,” Kurt says, “We’re happy, despite everything.”

“Yeah, we are,” Julie agrees and Blaine also hums in agreement.

The three of them huddle closer and they talk about the day and their plans for the future. Those plans are not certain. Nothing is certain. That’s what they all have learned, but it doesn’t matter. Alternatives are out there. There will be bad days and moments of grief on what could’ve been, but in the end, it all works out.

“Should we sing?” Blaine asks and Julie laughs out loud.

“It’s not family night without your father forcing us to sing, Julie,” Kurt says jokingly.

“Oh, you love it!” Blaine says back.

Julie starts tapping her feet, Blaine claps in a rhythm and Kurt hums.

Blaine starts singing. It’s a silly song that the three of them wrote together. It’s not great, but it’s something in the family.

_When everything is doom and gloom_   
_You have to look at a flower in bloom_   
_When life gives you another shot_   
_Pick a beautiful forget-me-not_

Kurt and Julie chime in too and the three of them sing their hearts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, that’s a wrap. 
> 
>   
> I hope you all enjoyed the end and the look into Kurt’s life. I considered also writing their wedding, but honestly, I’m fine with keeping that up for interpretation. After all, I had no clue what, where, when and how it happened.
> 
>   
> Bienvenue à tous à ce mariage, 欢迎大家参加这场婚礼 (Huānyíng dàjiā cānjiā zhè chǎng hūnlǐ), welkom allemaal op deze bruiloft = welcome everyone to this wedding. First French, then Chinese, then Dutch. 
> 
>   
> Julie is based on Julie Molina, look-wise and voice-wise. I watched all of _Julie and the Phantoms_ in one go and I highly recommended it. If someone has the power of Photoshop and you’re willing to photoshop Darren Criss, Chris Colfer and Madison Reyes together, tag me! Find me on tumblr ([justasmallbloginabigklainefandom ](https://justasmallbloginabigklainefandom.tumblr.com/)or [forabeatofadrum](https://forabeatofadrum.tumblr.com/)).
> 
>   
> The song in the end is written by me and it is indeed terrible. I tried to find a song about memories to end with, but none of them felt right. And then I considered adding _Flowers_ by Hadestown, but that is too sad. So now you got treated to my mediocre songwriting.
> 
>   
> Last story note: I published a Myosotis sylvatica timeline [here](https://forabeatofadrum.tumblr.com/post/632163483551727616/myosotis-sylvatica-timelines). If you want to know the exact dates, then you can find them here.
> 
>   
> Thank you all for reading. This story was one hell or a ride and it got deeper and longer than initially anticipated. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for the comments, especially if you left a comment on every chapter. Thank you for the kudos. Thank you for reading. I love that this fandom still has people reading fic, five years after the series finale.
> 
>   
> And with that, I bid you farewell. For two months. See you guys for the next advent!


End file.
